where have all the good men gone? is not the real question


I am completely fed up with frustrated women asking each other this question. Where have all the good men gone? It makes me feel really uncomfortable, like I constantly need to defend men against snarky, cynical women and I’m not sure why this is so I decided to do some research. (Please don’t misunderstand me here, I adore women-folk, clearly being one of them myself!) I started chatting to my good friend Google who informed me that an article in the New York Times has been published earlier this year on exactly that topic by Kay Hymowitz who argues that too many men in their 20s are living in a new kind of extended adolescence.

There are endless amounts of theories to explain this phenomenon that it seems women, no matter where they live, from Sydney to London to New York and everywhere in between seem to be moaning about. If you want to read about the current thoughts and ideas flying about on the topic, click on these links here:

International Business Time writer Rob Ogden argues that feminism since the 60’s has emasculated men and given them less responsibility and made them confused about ‘how to be a good man’.

Daniel Malito shares his views from a man’s perspective in the Huffington Post. (I love his point of view… please listen to the man!)

Ammmm, so girls, they haven’t gone anywhere. They’re all right here, in front of you. Living out their lives, doing their thing just like the rest of us.

I think that women (the one’s that are distressed that there are no men……. and perhaps some men also) have come to a place where they are holding onto an idea of what their perfect man might be like, might approach them like, that they have left no room for actually allowing it to happen. There’s no room for surprise because in their minds they have a set idea of how it all should be. The amount of happily-ever-after stories I have heard where girls end up with a guy completely the opposite of what they thought they wanted is incredible. Girls who thought they wanted a “suit” and ended up with an artist. Girls who wanted a musician and ended up with a banker. Girls who thought they wanted someone straight-laced and ended up falling in love with a tree-hugging hippy. Girls who were sure that they wanted someone their own age and then ended up connecting with someone significantly younger or older than them. And these are true love stories, romances that I adore and admire in their strength and connection. The truth is, you just never know who might be right for you.

I am also fed up with stereotyping….it’s a waste of time and doesn’t allow people the show their individualism. If we stopped trying to put each other in boxes and passing judgements based on race, job, education, background and so on and gave each other the freedom to just be who we are, perhaps we would all find it so much easier to connect.

Maybe the old-fashioned and out-dated gender roles from the past don’t apply to us any longer. Life and how we live it is constantly evolving and we with it. As humans beings we live longer now than ever before, are healthier, more educated, and have more choices and possibilities. Perhaps taking longer to “grow up” is a reflection of that. And perhaps we don’t really need to grow up at all. Hymowitz identifies that “marketers and culture creators help to promote pre-adulthood as a lifestyle”. Perhaps. It’s the lifestyle that I am also living. Not just men. Maybe I’m too young to remember what ‘real grown-up men’ are like, maybe I belong to a generation where I regard this extended adolescence as the norm. I have nothing else to compare it to so I can’t tell you. But I know that I’d rather be with a man who is passionate and creative and switched on and still wants to go to gigs and explore the world and create his own life than with a man who is deeply entrenched in society’s dinosaur gender role of merely being a provider who works so hard that he doesn’t enjoy his life or spend time with his family. You can have fun, enjoy life, be young at heart and responsible, and have a family if you wish, and live a full life and mature through it.

And I know plenty of men who perhaps would ask the same question: where have all the good women gone? It’s not men versus women. It’s about people. Having a hard time connecting with each other. Maybe we all need to become a bit more open-minded and accepting.

The real question is, what is it that you really want? And is that truly what you want or just what you think you want? If you sincerely look into your heart, what values and qualities matter the most? And how many people do you know, whether male or female match those ideals? Is it more important that a potential partner has the job or the body that you consider as ideal or that he or she has the same deeply entrenched values and beliefs as you? Is it more important that you can look into each other’s hearts and eyes and recognise each other or that the other person looks good on paper?

As I have lamented previously here and here, I love gender roles. I think that even though men and women are clearly equals, they also are opposites on the gender continuum and there is no point pretending to be the same. We are quite different and our strengths and weaknesses differ in a way that we balance one another out. We are currently just figuring out a whole new way to express our gender differences and the roles that we choose to play within our interactions.

This is absolutely an inconclusive discussion, however one that fascinates me immensely so your thoughts and comments are more than welcome. What do you think?

Image source.

13 Responses to where have all the good men gone? is not the real question

  1. Well now with so many women that have their Careers today are so very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, greedy, picky, and so very money hungry which really speaks for itself why many of us Good Men are still Single today.

  2. The reason you are hard pressed to find a good man, is that men are very sensitive creatures. No most of us do not say anything about our sex lives to others except perhaps a very close friend. No most of us do not talk about women on a 1 to 10 scale. Oddly most of the time we do not judge other men either, although I gather it is common for women to do so. While you claim to be open minded, the fact that you assert these things, and say “how you act” with regards to all men – speaks to exactly the opposite. It would likely pay to see who speaks, and who does not in regards to preference, and in what circumstance they do it. Yes there are men who do this, and it is a question of what they think will be acceptable. The pick-up artist community was founded on a basic discovery – that women are disproportionately attracted to assholes. These women then have a series of bad encounters – because of the type of men they are attracted to. Pay a little more attention – to the guys who are not trying so hard.

    The nice guys have heard all about “hollaback” where “How are you doing” is harassment – and are frankly choosing to mind their own business. They are going to avoid women who generalize about men, as they will understandably worry these same have bought a whole bunch of stereotypes. A sensitive artistic man – may also just be aware of the easy broad judgement you just passed on all men – ask yourself – how woudl you react to a man who made the same judgement about women?

  3. Not interred in marrying any man,why can’t men have a grown up relationship without always having an agenda

  4. First off, I hate to be a bother but please correct any grammatical error in your comment, it’s very off putting compared to your comment.
    Second, I’m actually not selfish. If I were to be selfish, everything would be about me and no one else.I put everyone’s care before myself, I’ve always been that way. But it has hurt me too. That’s why I am extremely particular about the guys that I date. And I’m not hurt by your comment, yeah, I am taking it a little personal but that’s how I react to criticism.But it’s pretty obvious that you don’t realize that when two partners come together, they have to have a lot in common in order to make the relationship work. If they are so different then things will go down hill.
    I dated a guy who was so different, it didn’t work out at all.
    Yes. No two people are the same. Everyone has different aspirations and dreams. But if you are not on the same level of your partner, then you can say goodbye to the relationship. I’ve been studying psychology and sociology since I was 16 years and there are several pieces of evidence that backs up my comment.

    And, there’s another reason why women say “there are no good men left” is because how you act. Do not act like some hound dog on the side of the street and whistle while telling your friends “I hit that” or “she’s a 10 out of 10”. It’s degrading and also, it makes you look like an imbecile and less attractive.

    Lastly, get to know a person before making any accusations. I’m the most open-minded person you will ever meet. I don’t judge a person on their looks, religion, sex, or race. I do judge them on their actions and how they treat others, especially their parents.

  5. One of your posts, among others, seem to indicate that “MGTOW” is somehow rooted in hate for women. Actually it just means what the acronym is, “Men Going Their Own Way”. They look at relationships and , especially, the legal system and have determined that their is not much reward in participating.

    It causes automatic responses from hardcore feminists because they need guys to hate women. As such, that is how they are described by feminists who get far more automatic credibility than men do. “MGTOW” guys are basically doing the one thing that those women hate the most, leaving the argument.

  6. Your screwed! and a little self obsessed, try snogging a mirror maybe that’ll work! Seriously though if you have no room for anyone different to yourself of course your gonna find it difficult as we all have different goals and aspirations. Try being a little more open minded, you never know what could happen.

  7. Unlike most women, I refuse to settle for anyone that isn’t on my level. I’m a writer and traveler, so I refuse to be with someone who doesn’t appreciate art and doesn’t like to travel. On top of that, I don’t conform for anyone. Anyone.
    I’m going to be 24 years old soon and I am still single with no family on the horizon. I’ve always wanted to have the career that I’ve always wanted (which I do), the lifestyle that I love (which I do live), and my one true love and have the family I’ve always wanted (which is non-existent).
    Every blind date I’ve been on has been horrible. They are either gay or taken, which is actually true in my situation.
    So, if any other woman that has been on the dates I’ve been on, then they are telling the truth.

  8. I actually just commented this on another blog I was reading on the subject of the Hymowitz, that eventually linked me here. I was searching the topic due to some discussions with friends about my life choice. I didn’t know this was such a thing (i’m from Australia) – but i’m not surprised.

    … I think the attitude shown by Hymentwit is either a perfect example of WHY men are less interested in the ‘traditional’ roles, or its a perfect example of how even large publications are now more interested in troll pieces that create controversy (and clicks) than actually investigating the real issues.

    I was recounting how happy I am in my life right now as a fit (young) 40 year old single male to a friend. My friend told me I was a ‘mgtow’. After googling mgtow I disagree, as I don’t harbour i’ll feelings towards women. The mgtow thing actually seems like sad geeks who are angry at women. However, it did clarify perhaps why I am the way I am.

    Looking at my prospects as a bachelor and comparing it to what is on offer in the traditional roles of marriage and fatherhood there is no way in hell I’m having a wife and kids – not in the context of today’s modern society.

    Being or not being a husband / father has nothing to do with manliness.

    Equating manliness to the desire to have a family, or saying that the lack of this desire is unmanly and selfish, is simply a bullsh1t meme – and must be decried as such, every single time it is voiced.

    I’ve built an engineering business and now have a medical practice. I can climb mountains, built and race motorbikes, write books/poetry, compose music, chop trees, make furniture, cook for a crowd, ride, shoot, surf, fight and f#ck better than many.

    I can also choose to be smart enough to avoid getting sucked into the biggest con in the history of modern man. In today’s world there is little incentive to marry and have children… And it isn’t ‘my duty’. ‘My duty’ in this context doesn’t exist – it’s not an issue because it isn’t a thing.

    As a Dr I know all about dedication and caring for people. I even take time out to offer my services free to homeless. A duty to helping humanity can be a real thing. A duty to marry and have a kid..? You can’t be serious.

    The money I’d otherwise waste keeping a princess and her unchecked animal desire (aka the need to give birth) happy goes to helping indigenous children. As far as growing up goes. I don’t own a TV let alone an xbox.

    Anyhow, why the heck would I want all the problems that come with marriage and risk being shackled to paying support when my modern women’s relationship ADHD fails her?

    I look at some friends of mine and their lives have been ruined from buying into the story that you need to marry and have kids to become self actualised. It can happen in the blink of an eye.

    Some of them don’t learn and get back into it again. The stats on marriage and divorce aren’t pretty – especially for men. No right thinking man who actually thought it through would entertain it. Perhaps, just perhaps, Gen Y are now cluing up to this?

    Almost every single married male friend of mine asks me to share tales of my life and has lamented that the joy of fatherhood isn’t what it is cracked up to be. However, I do not reciprocate any envy to any aspect of their life, not for an instant.

    In fact I think that one of the unmanly weaknesses that might lead a man to marriage is an exaggerated need for security (i.e. fear) and/or an inability to enjoy solitude with himself (what the weak might feel as loneliness). Just a thought…

    No, I don’t hate women, I really love and value their company. Do I have relationships with women? Yes. Am I scared of commitment? No. I commit to many things.

    I simply value certain aspects of my life (please remember girls this is MY life i’m making decisions about). I am not easily sucked in to a story that doesn’t add up in today’s modern society.

    Taking ‘Where are all the good men’ which is a womans’ problem and linking it to ‘a man’s duty to marry’ or insinuating it is because of mens’ failing, and that they need to ‘man up’ has a rather sinister, manipulating smell to it…


  9. Thank you Vienda for this refreshing post. I personally disliked very much Ms Hymowitz’s article, which is, in my opinion, yet-another-man-bashing article: “Men are dumb”, “Men refuse to grow up”, etc…

    I welcome your general message of acceptance, rather than the usual blaming and shaming.

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