Why the ones we want run and the ones we don’t cling.


I recently received an email asking:


Why do the ones I want run and the ones I don’t cling?


There’s one side of the coin:


You decide you like someone. So you start showing them some interest. Your mind wildly conjures up stories of romance and true love and images of lustful encounters. It drives you to start a saga of pursuit. You chase someone, actually deep down KNOWING that they aren’t right for you. And you chase them anyway. There’s a delicious gratification in trying to tame the untameable. And they don’t respond. So you get clingy. You start stalking them across the wide array of social media. You hang out in the places they might hang out. You wonder and squander many passing hours with fanciful ideas of what it might be like to finally have them in your life.


And then the other side:


You meet them one day amongst your wayfaring. A potential new friend.  Time passes and you realise there’s not that much of a connection there. They still text at random times to see how you are….. or late at night….. “good night angel“. You can barely remember their name. They unfailingly endeavour to capture your attention with less-than-subtle suggestions and a slightly desperate look in their eyes. Perhaps they’re a really nice person. But it’s possible that you’ll never know, as their advances and attempts carry with them a sense of admonished rebuke. Something just doesn’t feel quite right. It’s off-putting for some reason.


Both sides of the coin create conflict in some way or another.


It’s not rejection, it’s an outcome. You can only truly be rejected when you reject yourself & your emotions.” ~ The Daily Love


When I read the musings of  psychic Anna Costello in Sarah Wilson’s always intelligent and influential  article I started to think about how our relationships with ourselves affect our relationships with others, as I hear this story so very often:


“Why the ones we want run and the ones we don’t cling?!”


This is what Anna had to say:


“People want to know why the ones we love so often reject us or act ambivalent. And, why the ones we’re not that into can’t be shaken! As I psychic I can often see the inner feelings and beliefs people have, and see that people get caught in this dynamic because deep down they believe they are unlovable or unworthy.


When a person holds these kind of beliefs, they feel uneasy and uncomfortable when they meet someone who wants to be with them. After all, that person must be desperate or have something wrong with them! And people who reject or hurt feel safe. The relationship feels right because mistreatment fits with beliefs of being unloveable or unworthy. This is why so many women love bad boys and how you can have chemistry with someone who isn’t good for you.”


I possibly couldn’t have said it better myself.


Some part of us believes that we are not worthy of getting what we want. That the person we desire is out of our reach. That we are unloveable. So we seek out situations that reflect our beliefs back to us.


People have a tendency to chase rejection because that is what they expect. Their sense of self-worth isn’t what it could be and their negative thought patterns needs to be validated.


It’s so fascinating to see how we often put ourselves in a position to have our negative thought patterns validated, but it gives us the opportunity to take a good hard look at them and then take the steps to change them.


There’s a cycle here. You are rejected by someone who you think you want but doesn’t want you. Or you reject and thereby fulfil someone else’s need to self-validate their belief that they are unworthy of your love. Two sides of the same coin.


The point here however is, how to change this pursuit of self-affliction. It doesn’t serve you or anyone else. How, you ask?


Most of this behaviour pattern is based on insecurities and lack of self love.


Where you invest you love, you invest you life” ~ Mumford + Sons


Rather than seeking what you desire from someone else, make sure you are the one who gives it to you. Give yourself the love and attention that you crave. Treat yourself in the manner that you wish to be treated. Cherish and adore yourself . It’s radical self love. And it will change the way the world and people approach you. No longer will you glance wistfully at those that reproach you. As you no longer need them. You are self-approved.


1. End the cycle of negative self-talk by dropping the beliefs and replacing them with positive loving thoughts. At first the positive affirmations won’t feel real. It kind of feels like you’re lying to yourself. But persevere …. It works. Try saying “I deeply love and fully accept myself ” every day at least 100 times. At any given moment. This practise will transform you and your life.

 2. Stop investing so much energy focusing on another person. Focus all of that on yourself instead. What does it take to make you feel whole, fulfilled, complete, happy and thriving? The happier you are with yourself and your life the more you attract the kind of people you actually deserve and the more attractive you are in general.

3.  Realise that relationships are meant to be graceful; with ease and joy. If a relationship is a struggle and bringing disharmony and negativity into your life, then it’s highly likely not the one for you. Love makes life better, happier, smoother – not harsher, harder and scarier.

4. Recognise that all the qualities you admired in that person, you carry within yourself as well. Allow those parts of you to shine and encourage them to grow. Clearly they are attractive characteristics! We can only recognise the good in others that is innate to ourselves also. People and our experiences of people are always a reflection.

5. Focus on being YOU. You are a precious gift to the world and if you are waiting for another person to recognise that, well…..you may be waiting all your life. You have to be the one that recognises your worth first and then others will be able to do the same. As your sense of self-worth and self esteem grows, so will other people’s opinion of you. And before long you will attract the lover you have always dreamed of into your life.


Image source.

14 Responses to Why the ones we want run and the ones we don’t cling.

  1. Thank you my lovely!

    With regards to your question, that’s where you have to make a commitment to yourself, and embark on a self-love journey.

    Learning to love yourself is one of the best decisions you’ll ever make in your life!


  2. one of the best articles ,i’ve ever read.
    but one question—- when a 1000 people tell me that i am stupid,,(though i know they may all be wrong),,how do i convince myself ,that i am perfect, and “not flawed” ??

  3. Love that you love it beauty. We always have to give ourselves want we yearn for from others. Because once we do that, it all comes so easily! xo

  4. I love this post! Just the message I need! We are what we put out attention on… seeking someone’s non-forthcoming affection is exactly that! Putting energy into generating a deep, abiding sense of self-love and a love of our OWN lives – that’s where I want to be putting my energy. Thank you so much for your words! xo

  5. Ah darling Nicole! I’m happy these words have helped you. All the best with your own current journey through the highs and lows of love and relationships! xx

  6. So happy this post resonated with you beauty! It’s always a big and important lesson to learn on our paths of living the life we dream of xx

  7. I love this post! I definitely had a revelation like this a few years ago. The notion of deciding the kind of person you wanted to be and wanted to attract to your life instead of hopelessly chasing those who were figments of your own insecurities. Wonderful stuff!

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