4 lessons on dealing with angry friends

4 lessons on dealing with angry friends

 

Life always seems to repeat lessons in life until I get them. My recent lessons have been about friends who carry a lot of anger, and have a tendency to express their inner angst, frustration, animosity and rage against the world. I understand their feelings, I hold enormous amounts of compassion for everyone’s point of view of the world. There is a lot to be angry about in this world, if that is the reality you choose to believe in.

 

Yet, obviously, I have much less understanding when those negative emotions and temper tantrums are projected and directed at me! This at times will occur when there are people in your life and world that are carrying this kind of fury around with them. Every now and then a tempest storm will break out, the anger must be released and woe be you if you happen to be standing in the firing line!

 

So, what do I do?

 

Lesson #1. Don’t take responsibility for other people’s emotions.

Firstly, I recognise that this emotional outburst has nothing to do with me. It’s all them, baby! Just because it has been directed at me and this person is annoyed because I have not or am not fulfilling their emotional expectations doesn’t mean that their reaction is actually about me.

Every single one of us is responsible for our own feelings, reactions and emotions. What YOU are feeling is all yours, and has nothing to do with anyone else. It’s YOUR emotional reaction. So own it. And perhaps consider choosing a positive one instead!

 

Lesson #2. Release and forgive the person for directing their negativity at you.

Secondly, there’s nothing worse than carrying anger and resentment around for what someone else has said or done to you. Let go of any resentment as quickly as possible and forgive them for acting out, by recognising from Lesson #1. that it wasn’t about you anyway.

Notice if certain parts of your body have tensed up in response to the experience and relax them, do something that makes you feel really good (there’s lots of good ideas in the 88 ways to love yourself till you levitate listomania!), meditate, chant or say to yourself that you love and forgive this person until it feels true for you. There are lots of ways, by now you ought to know yourself well enough to know what works for you!

 

Lesson #3. Ask yourself what you can learn from this experience.

Thirdly, I always wonder why I have attracted this experience, these angry people into my life? What is it within me that I am to learn from this?

Your answer might be different to mine but what I learnt from my recent experiences with angry friends was that I needed to forgive and heal the part within myself that had a fearful or hurt reaction to their anger. I had to practise what I preach which is that….

 

Lesson #4. If we want to change and heal our external world we have to change and heal our internal world first.

So my lesson in these circumstances was to heal, love and forgive myself in order to change and heal the part within me that was creating experiences and putting myself in circumstances where I was relating and spending time with people who felt and expressed a lot of anger. Healing that part if myself heals and changes the experience.

And as I was recognising and extracting my lesson from the current experiences I was having I synchronously discovered the following story which I just HAD to share with you.

 

Simple Steps to Healing: I Love You, I’m Sorry, Please Forgive Me, Thank You
by Dr. Joe Vitale

Two years ago, I heard about a therapist in Hawaii who cured a complete ward of criminally insane patients – without ever seeing any of them. The psychologist would study an inmate’s chart and then look within himself to see how he created that person’s illness. As he improved himself, the patient improved.

When I first heard this story, I thought it was an urban legend. How could anyone heal anyone else by healing himself? How could even the best self-improvement master cure the criminally insane?

It didn’t make any sense. It wasn’t logical, so I dismissed the story.

However, I heard it again a year later. I heard that the therapist had used a Hawaiian healing process called ho’oponopono. I had never heard of it, yet I couldn’t let it leave my mind. If the story was at all true, I had to know more.

I had always understood “total responsibility” to mean that I am responsible for what I think and do. Beyond that, it’s out of my hands. I think that most people think of total responsibility that way. We’re responsible for what we do, not what anyone else does. The Hawaiian therapist who healed those mentally ill people would teach me an advanced new perspective about total responsibility.

His name is Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len. We probably spent an hour talking on our first phone call. I asked him to tell me the complete story of his work as a therapist. He explained that he worked at Hawaii State Hospital for four years. That ward where they kept the criminally insane was dangerous. Psychologists quit on a monthly basis. The staff called in sick a lot or simply quit. People would walk through that ward with their backs against the wall, afraid of being attacked by patients. It was not a pleasant place to live, work, or visit.

Dr. Len told me that he never saw patients. He agreed to have an office and to review their files. While he looked at those files, he would work on himself. As he worked on himself, patients began to heal.

“After a few months, patients that had to be shackled were being allowed to walk freely,” he told me. “Others who had to be heavily medicated were getting off their medications. And those who had no chance of ever being released were being freed.”

I was in awe.

“Not only that,” he went on, “but the staff began to enjoy coming to work. Absenteeism and turnover disappeared. We ended up with more staff than we needed because patients were being released, and all the staff was showing up to work.”

This is where I had to ask the million dollar question: “What were you doing within yourself that caused those people to change?”

“I was simply healing the part of me that created them,” he said.

I didn’t understand.

Dr. Len explained that total responsibility for your life means that everything in your life – simply because it is in your life – is your responsibility. In a literal sense the entire world is your creation.

Whew. This is tough to swallow. Being responsible for what I say or do is one thing. Being responsible for what everyone in my life says or does is quite another. Yet, the truth is this: if you take complete responsibility for your life, then everything you see, hear, taste, touch, or in any way experience is your responsibility because it is in your life.

This means that terrorist activity, the president, the economy – anything you experience and don’t like – is up for you to heal. They don’t exist, in a manner of speaking, except as projections from inside you. The problem isn’t with them, it’s with you, and to change them, you have to change you.

I know this is tough to grasp, let alone accept or actually live. Blame is far easier than total responsibility, but as I spoke with Dr. Len, I began to realize that healing for him and in ho’oponopono means loving yourself. If you want to improve your life, you have to heal your life. If you want to cure anyone – even a mentally ill criminal – you do it by healing you.

I asked Dr. Len how he went about healing himself. What was he doing, exactly, when he looked at those patients’ files?

“I just kept saying, ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I love you’ over and over again,” he explained.

That’s it?

That’s it.

Turns out that loving yourself is the greatest way to improve yourself, and as you improve yourself, you improve your world. Let me give you a quick example of how this works: one day, someone sent me an email that upset me. In the past I would have handled it by working on my emotional hot buttons or by trying to reason with the person who sent the nasty message. This time, I decided to try Dr. Len’s method. I kept silently saying, “I’m sorry” and “I love you.” I didn’t say it to anyone in particular. I was simply evoking the spirit of love to heal within me what was creating the outer circumstance.

Within an hour I got an e-mail from the same person. He apologized for his previous message. Keep in mind that I didn’t take any outward action to get that apology. I didn’t even write him back. Yet, by saying “I love you,” I somehow healed within me what was creating him.

In short, Dr. Len says there is no out there. It would take a whole book to explain this advanced technique with the depth it deserves. Suffice it to say that whenever you want to improve anything in your life, there’s only one place to look: inside you.

And when you look, do it with love.

Note: This article is edited from the book Zero Limits by Dr. Joe Vitale and Dr. Len.

Dr. Len states that we are all responsible for everything that we see in our world. By taking full personal responsibility and then healing the wounded places within ourselves, we can literally heal ourselves and our world.

Dr. Len suggests a four-stage process for this work. Whenever a place for healing presents itself in your life, open to the place where the hurt resides within you. After identifying this place, with as much feeling as you can, say the below four statements:

I love you.
I’m sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.

Image source unknown. Found on Tumblr.

8 Responses to 4 lessons on dealing with angry friends

  1. Such a beautiful lesson Sylvia, thank you for sharing… We often want to help others, but in the end each of us is 100% responsible for our experiences and feelings.. When we take that on, not only does it free and lift us up, but life becomes really, really fun and easy! xo

  2. Thank you so much for sharing. I’ve been through the same thing. One of my friends is suicidal. She kept blaming the entire world for making her suffer. I stayed with her for years because I feel sorry for her. My energy has drained. Whatever I’ve done, I would never fulfill her emotional needs. I couldn’t stand her anymore, so I withdrew. She accuse me for not being there for her. This is a great lesson for me. I forgive her and forgive my self. I promise to my self to be more careful next time. I won’t engage in any toxic relationship anymore.

  3. Jess, it’s so empowering when we realise that our life lessons and experiences are our greatest teachers and servants in growth and self realisation. It makes everything so much easier! I’m blessed to have you contribute with your intelligent words. Thank you x

  4. Isn’t it fascinating! It really illustrates the power of love and forgiveness in really tangible terms. I know forgiveness is a massive healer in my own life so if you can touch other people’s lives through forgiveness then, wow!

  5. Recent events in my life have been testing me. But for the first time I am really looking at these challenges, hiccups (whatever you like to call them) as a means of learning something about myself and growing a little bit more.
    Another wonderful piece that I feel speaks to ‘me’.
    Peace and love xx

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