There’s 6 kilos between those two ends of the spectrum. There’s 6 kilos sitting between, I love me, and I love me not. Until I decided that my battle with my body had to come to an end.
This is what I’ve noticed as I observe my life patterns and behaviors.
I’ve not had a very healthy model of self love, self acceptance and body image when I was growing up. I’m not blaming anyone. I’m just stating a fact. My beautiful mother, despite that we are all genetically built slim, placed a lot of her sense of self worth on her size and weight, and unless her weight was in the high 40’s, low 50’s digits on the scale, she was on some kind of diet. Raw food, fruitarian, mono diet, whatever she found she tried.
I dare say that these habits, the negative self talk and placing your sense of self worth was something she learnt from her mother.
Having grown up with the only strong female role model being incredible insecure around her external appearance and trying to control those fears and the lack of self love and acceptance by controlling her weight, caused of course, my to pick up exactly the same behavior patterns, under the guise that this was “normal”.
Being aware of this multi-generational unconscious behavior pattern, and being the one to break this thread and change it, not just for myself, but for future generations and in essence, our collective human race, is massive. There’s a lot of self love, forgiveness and healing work that needs to be done.
I LOVE ME
My healthy, I feel amazing, life is great, everything is easy and don’t even think about what I eat or how much I exercise because this all comes naturally weight is around 50kg. It’s the weight that I FEEL my best at, and the weight that my body naturally settles at, when my life is good.
What does that mean? For me it means that all the areas that are important in my life are in harmony. It means that my values, beliefs, choices, behaviors, thoughts and emotions are aligned and life is moving ahead smoothly. I feel happy, excited by life, joyful, inquisitive, gentle, kind, loving, accepting, amorous, full of energy, light, graceful, ease.
I still make sure I eat healthy food. My basic rule is: eat green every day and drink plenty of water. I also make sure I exercise. But I don’t exercise for health or weight, I exercise simply because I love it. Again, my body feels best when I walk every day for at least and hour and include yoga or other stretching and toning classes in, several times per week.
I generally don’t weigh myself, I always go with how I FEEL. We always know when clothes are feeling a bit looser or a bit tighter. We always can feel how slender and light we are; or how thick and heavy we feel.
I LOVE ME NOT
My unhealthy, stuck, not feeling quite right weight, when I start hating on myself and my body is when it starts creeping up to 55 – 56kg. It’s not a huge difference for some people, but it big enough for me to really notice and move back into old self-depreciating behavior patterns of self loathing, lower self esteem and loosing the self love and self acceptance thread. I tend to put on weight when I’m in a situation that’s not healthy for me, be it a job, a relationship, a place, a mental attitude, a choice I’ve made. My body is incredibly sensitive and responds to these situations with a cave-woman stress response, and start to want to protect me, with a bit of extra padding. My weight gain creeps up on me when I’m feeling bad.
What does that feel like? Tight, stuck, heavy, confused, unclear, uncertain, uncomfortable, unkind, hurtful, sad, unhappy, out of ease and alignment. This happens when something in my life is not quite right. I am allowing myself or someone else to cross my boundaries, I have indulged in fearful thinking, my living or work situation isn’t supporting me or in line with what’s important to me, I’m placing my attention without instead of within, I’m focusing on someone or something else more than myself, I’ve forgotten to negotiate for what I need in life and instead just “made do”. And so on. I’m sure we all have these infallible traps that we sometimes walk into, which are simply an opportunity to heal and grow from.
What happens when I do take a small fall and start to put on weight is that my attitude changes imperseptively about myself. I become obsessive about my body, and super controlling what and how much I eat, how I look and how others perceive me. It’s ridiculous and completely ineffective but such is the deeply ingrained behavior pattern when it raises its ugly head.
I lose weight easily, not when I’m trying to, but when I’m focusing on what makes me feel really happy and fulfilled. My body knows what my healthy weight is, and it wants to be healthy. When I leave it alone and let it do its thing and simply listen to what it tells me it needs, it does exactly what it needs to do. Heals, nurtures, loves and grows.
BREAK THE PATTERN
So, how do we break these behavior patterns. How do we put an end to all this self loathing and hatred? To the snide remarks as we pass the mirror and don’t like the reflection that our eyes see?
Become aware of your behavior patterns and triggers, as I have outlined above. Only with self awareness can we bring about real change. We need to know ourselves in order to change ourselves.
Choose that, from now on, you are willing to change. From this moment forth you no longer want to be a slave to your egoic mind and its judgements upon your sense of self worth and body. Make a commitment to yourself that you choose to love and accept yourself, right now, just as you are, no matter what.
And then ask for guidance. Ask for help from your body, and ask for help from your inner wisdom or intuition. Allow yourself to trust and follow that guidance. Become a loving and kindhearted master for your body and listen to what it has to say to you.
I have personally used several techniques. I used tapping, a.k.a. Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), I meditated on my body issues and I asked for guidance.
The guidance I received was exactly what I am sharing with you today: listen to your body, give it what it asks for, don’t calorie count, or weigh yourself or over-analyse the process.
Relax. Give in, stop controlling, and allow yourself to be guided. In every moment, in every day. Accept where you’re at right now as soon your body will bring you back to your own personal most healthy and optimal state. And that is exactly what happened.