Six months ago, when I first started writing this article, I felt entirely unauthorized to write about this topic, because right then, I was single.
Which doesn’t really mean anything except that I want to be clear on the fact that I haven’t got this whole romantic relationship thing all figured out. And I’m not really sure if anyone does. But I have been in quite a few relationships. So I’ve got an opinion or two…
I’ve always been a perpetual monogamist. Going from one relationship to the next, even though, and maybe because, I really, really loved being single. I think my first couple of boyfriends – I’d say the first 4 – that took me from highschool to uni, were just experiments. Maybe I loved them in a way, but mostly I was just exploring what being in a romantic relationship with someone else felt and looked like. The emotions, the expectations, mystery of getting to know another person intimately.
I noticed that the first few weeks and months were super exciting. This new rush of energy, hormones, lust, intrigue all rose to the surface and life seemed sweeter that sweet. But as the novelty wore off, so did the rose-tinted glasses, and what was left was simply the ruins of a hormone-induced chemical high.
Then at 23, I fell in love with my first soul-mate. I say first, because I’m one of those weird people who has many soul mates in this life. I’m lucky like that. There’s an unbelievable abundance of love in my life. Just sayin’.
He was 6 years older than me, and definitely not that type of guy you’d take home to your mother. Rough around the edges, had spent a little stint in jail at some point, and drank entirely too much. Obviously, those weren’t the qualities that I fell in love with.
What I feel in love with, was his unusual and unique sensibilities to energy and nature. He would, in an instant, pick up what other people were thinking and feeling, he’d be able to tell histories of places when he stood on land just by intuiting them, and he taught me about magic. Unwittingly, he showed me that our thoughts create our experiences. When you believe something, and put all your heart, mind and soul into it, it will happen.
Kindly, however, he loved me enough to push me away, knowing that in the long run, he wasn’t right for me. At the time I was heart broken, but hindsight is such a gift, and I am so grateful to him to this day. For everything. He gave me one of the greatest gifts: I learnt to let go, and still love. I learnt to live without need, or want, or expectation. I learnt to love, just for the sake of loving.
Then I had another few years of gaps, flirtations, affairs and short-term relationships which included: a dreadlocked ballet dancer who smoked too much pot; a Brazilian who owned a TShirt shop in Barcelona, and Englishman I’d met in Rome, a Frenchie who worked the festivals with me, and then, I tumbled into my longest relationship.
A very sweet and kind Englishman, a friend of my friend and housemate in Barcelona, who came to visit us once, and then very kindly to care of me when I moved to London the following year. He was so comfortable, so loving and very, very proper. He endured my gallivanting around the planet for 4 years, until finally he laid down his law: settle. Just try to settle with him. He wanted a go at a ‘normal’ relationship with me.
And so I did. We moved from Europe to Sydney, got an apartment in Surry Hills, got office jobs, and did the normal thing. Within a short 6 months, I felt frustrated, trapped and like I was suffocating. This wasn’t the life I had envisioned for myself. It was all so tediously, bland, dry and boring. I realized that, while I very much loved this man, I had never been in love with him, which, to me, is worlds apart.
I have the ability to love pretty much anyone. Yet I very, very rarely fall in love. Love, for me, is generally the affection, care and admiration that I have for others. I love the cute waiter at my favorite cafe, I love my clients because they’re such amazing, inspiring creatures, I love my family. There’s so many ways to love people.
There are as many different ways to love, as there are people. Each person draws a certain type of love out of you. But being in love with someone, is a whole different ball game. Those are some mad, deep connections that are beyond any tangible explanations of the world.
I digress. Back to the relationship: it parted unkindly, he blamed me for ruining his life plans, I was angry at him for not listening when I spoke my truth. We had both projected our own imaginations onto each other, and felt frustrated when they weren’t fulfilled. I fondly recall him saying, in one of our final fights “Why can’t you just be a normal girl!”. I think that’s one of the best compliments he ever gave me. He should have known, by being with me, that I was never going to be ‘a normal girl’.
Eighteen months past, and I put myself on a strict staying-single prescription. I could play and flirt, but it was absolutely essential to myself that I stay single for as long as possible, so I could take the time to do lots of my inner work, and just enjoy being by myself. The truth is, I really, really enjoy my own company. Frighteningly so, as I’d choose to be with myself over most people much of the time. I love people, but I love myself more.
And then one night, at a friends birthday in a bar, I saw this guy sitting by himself on a bar stool, hood shading his face so I couldn’t see it, but I could just feel this incredibly intense energy. That and possibly the espresso martini, that for someone who rarely drinks, can be a very powerful weapon. As the bar shut and we all got shuffled out, I ran back to this stranger, finding him standing by the doorway, and silently gave him my card. As it turned out, this was the second soul mate of my life.
Right here, we stand at the turning point off my most tumultuous relationship ever. This is one that broke me open; the one that taught me to be vulnerable; the one that made me face my daddy issues; the one that taught men love, wholly, fully, deeply, and not to be afraid of them pain.
This one filled penchant for bad boys in every way: high risk behaviors were his high and it was all sex, drugs and rock n’ roll. Fun, exciting but entirely unhealthy for a partnership. The love was fierce and intense, the drama high scale, and while I saw the beauty of his soul, his actions and the choices I was making in his presence were not in alignment with who I am or what I wanted from my life. It wasn’t long before I ran.
And then I did a whole lot of soul-searching to figure out why I was attracting this sort of situation into my life, when, intellectually I knew it wasn’t right for me. I remember spending 10 days in a hotel room in Prague, crying my eyes out and re-railing my life on the route that I wanted. It was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. Reconnecting with my Self my Soul and my Heart with true self-love, vulnerability and authenticity. It was hard, but I needed the experience to become a better woman, partner and lover.
Fast forward 2 years and I stand before you a different person. One that I really like and am incredibly proud of. Not only because I’ve overcome so many powerfully transformative and challenging experiences in my life and romances, but because I alchemised every single one of them into something that has helped me become who I am meant to be. For the first time in my life I feel that I am fully embodying my soul, in every aspect of it. Which is exactly what at I am teaching and sharing with the gorgeous participants of the #GypsetMindset 6 week mentoring program starting on Monday 10 November.
And quite recently, someone completely different has shown up in my life. Not a “bad boy” – quite the opposite in fact. And it’s so sweet to discover how easy life can be. I feel compelled to believe that all of my romantic experiences have brought me to this specific point. And I get to measure my own inner growth and development against the intimate relationships that I attract into my space.
What’s going to happen next? I have no idea. Nor does it matter. I’m entering this experience wIth an open heart, no expectations and full presence for what is, right here, right now. It’s a beautiful thing, and I am excited to see where things may go.
The gypset mindset here is that everyone is free, and simply a reflection of the other – showing us where we are at in the present moment – and giving us an opportunity to share and experience the love that we are all made up of. Want to talk more about this kind of stuff? Join me for #GypsetMindset now. You can find out more right here.