You would think that by the time you’re a 33-year-old, worldly, well-travelled, educated and entrepreneurial woman, you’d have the basics of being a lady down. Alas, I come from a Peterpan-esque life, where I’ve been holding onto my girlish ways for far too long.
Which means it has taken me this long to discover these 2 things that you should put in your lady-parts. (So things you don’t want to come out, don’t.)
I think this first story starts about 4 years ago, when a darling hippy friend of mine enlivened my imagination with a magical contraption called the Mooncup. A device that would change my life, save the world and make having periods the best thing that happens ever each month.
It sounded plausible, I liked her candid description, and skipped off to the nearest iPhone to do my own obligatory research, which was filled with women from every corner of our planet, singing their praises of the Mooncup.
If you’re not familiar with Mooncups they are a reusable menstrual cup, that you insert into your vagina in place of a tampon. The basic premise is that it “collects” menstrual blood rather than using a pad or tampon to absorb the fluid. You take it out every 8 hours, empty the contents, rinse or wipe it and then it’s ready to be reinserted. A blurb on the company’s website describes it as “Comfortable, convenient and safe: the Mooncup can be used overnight and when travelling, swimming or exercising,”.
I really enjoyed what one Amazon reviewer had to say about them:
Needless to say, I purchased it, and patiently waited for my next opportunity to come, to give it a try. What happened then, put me off the damn thing for nearly 4 years.
I simply couldn’t get it in. And before you ask me if I did it right, I’d like to think that after re-reading the instructions a dozen time and watching a YouTube video on ‘how to’, that I did. Try. To do it right. I even tried lube. But I just ended up bruised and scratched up around my lady-parts.
I tried again the following month, but with a bit less justo and enthusiasm. It just wouldn’t do the thing where you fold it, it slides in and then opens up like a flower. Because I couldn’t even get it in the there in the first place. And so I gave up and put it away with my other unused private things in the depths of my underwear drawer.
Then I went travelling and it stayed with me in optimistic hope that one day I too, would have the magic touch required to insert my Mooncup.
That magic touch, somehow, tapped me on the shoulder last night. Honestly, I was exhausted from a weekend away, had forgotten to stock up on pads, and just wanted to go to bed already. But the threat of leaking in the night from my lady-parts, was enough to give me the courage to give my Mooncup another go.
I read the instructions again, that were still rolled up next to the rubber device inside the little canvas bag, just in case, squatted down in the bathtub, rolled the thing into a small round circle, and started stuffing it in there before it could escape me again, while softly grunting and murmuring “Get in my lady-parts damn Mooncup!”
Et voila! It was done.
My first leak-free, environmentally friendly, no-nasty-tampons-or-pads night of Mooncup-happy periods. Followed by a whole day, and another whole night of such bliss.
I’ve finally figured it out. Removal and insertion are getting easier with each go. And now whenever my lover reaches down into my shorts to give my bottom a friendly squeeze, I no longer panic that he’s getting ‘too close’. I’m sold.
This second story has a much shorter time-line.
I’m terrified of getting pregnant. After years of using good old condoms or the ‘pull out method’ and a few recent much-too-scary-scares and incidents, I sat down with my lovely nurse at a local family panning clinic and moaned about the lack of choices we have as women to have a baby by choice.
The pill and any hormone treatment is an absolute no for me. I refuse to do that to my body. I also have an intuitive feeling that they have a strong effect on the reproductive system and honestly, no wonder so many women are having troubles getting pregnant nowadays! Their bodies are just so damn confused!
Which basically leaves me with what I’ve been doing up until now, or the Copper IUD. And if you’ve ever read any reviews on the Internet (I know, but where else can I find reliable, honest points of views from the general public?) then you would know the Copper IUD’s are generally viewed as wicked witchcraft from the turn of the century.
It was with plenty of trepidation, and yet plenty of kind encouragement from my love (which I repaid with livid exaltation that men should take just as much responsibility for this sort of thing) that I decided to try it. I was prepared to put one of those little T-shaped copper wire devices right up my lady-parts into a place that no-one dares go, for the sake of my sanity. I couldn’t handle another month of praying to the goddess for my periods to come, in fear that I was instead to become an unexpected mother.
3 Months later, I’m so very glad I did.
Yes, insertion hurt like crazy. But only for about 15 seconds and then I was done. Good to go for up to 5 years or until I make the decision that, yes, I did after all, want to sacrifice my body and life for one of those cute little brats that we all love, who grow up to be another amazing human being.
Since then, my periods have been perfectly normal, no more painful, no more heavy and even shorter than before. Sometimes only 3 or 4 days. I honestly wish I had done it years earlier. Imagine, all those hours I had spent worrying in the past, that I wasted!
Obviously, I’m not a doctor and everyone’s body is different and everyone responds differently but if you happen to find yourself in a position similar to mine, try it out. You might quite like it.
And that is all I have to say about putting things in your lady-parts.