What if love isn’t enough to stay.

 

What if love isn't enough to stay.

 

Nothing lasts, but nothing is lost. — Spongle

 

Those words resonate through my soul as I think back to the lyrics of a 2005 underground psychedelic trance album that I used to listen to, on repeat, almost 10 years ago.

 

Right now, I am sitting in the warm sunshine, on the wooden back porch of a big, beautiful house in south St. Kilda, in Melbourne, with a big, old, happy chocolate labrador sunning himself at my feet. I feel happy, content, and peaceful in my heart.

 

The winds of change are in the air, and I don’t know yet, what direction they are going to blow me. I’m at another turning point that, like sliding doors, will make a mark on my future. There is no right, or wrong decision. Which is what makes this so hard. It hurts.

 

Do we stay together?

Or do we choose different paths?

 

After 1 big, beautiful, heart-expanding year together with my love, I am asking myself some big questions.

 

Where do we need to grow?

Where are we holding one another back?

What would life look like without one another?

Where do we need to soften, to accept, to let go?

When are we not taking personal responsibility for what we feel or experience?

 

Ever since we met up again in Bali, after 5 weeks apart, things felt different. Something was missing. That deep heart and soul connection was somehow gone. I could no longer feel him, the way that I used to.

 

I asked a couple of friends about their thoughts. They told me is was normal to feel this way sometimes. “Sometimes we feel it. Sometimes we don’t” said one. “I think we need to out of love in a way, to fall back in love with the same person” said another. All wise words.

 

I notice that we are both holding back in some way. Not expressing ourselves in our fullness. Cutting off parts of ourselves to make room for the other. Maybe its compromise. Maybe its obstruction.

 

Either way, it doesn’t feel good. I wonder if there is a different way. I love him deeply, with every cell in my body. But…

 

What if love isn’t enough to stay?

 

In 10 days we have flights booked to New Zealand. And this time, I might not go. This is my sliding door. A choice with endless possibilities.

 

 

9 Responses to What if love isn’t enough to stay.

  1. Thank you so much for your sentiments. I totally resonate with your words, and have been thinking along the same lines. Hat I you for sharing your story and for your love and support. You’ve made my day. xo

  2. I feel you. And reflecting on all of my relationships, including the one with myself, sometimes I don’t feel close or connected. Periods of disconnect are normal, and it’s uncomfortable. Often during these periods we panic and stress, which is also normal, humanly reaction. But as you know, these periods are purposeful and meaningful. Disconnecting and then reconnecting sometimes makes the relationship stronger. Is this man one which you can consistently grow and evolve with? I feel that is very important in life if one chooses a monogamous relationship to share their journey with… Since I don’t know you and your beau, let me tell you about mine because perhaps we relate as two passionate, loving leos. All of my relationships started with instinct. With past lovers, connection was instant and attraction was deep… Deeper than just physicality. Even for being “bad boys”, they had beautiful hearts. I used to be a “fixer”. I could only see the good in these men and refused to see the bad. That’s because I have hope and faith for everyone, and it is my most genuine wish for everyone to meet their amazing potential. Anyway, I digress. There was so much passion in these relationships of mine… And I do thrive and lust for passion… It can be my weakness. My current beau was instinct and instant as well… Different from the rest though because he is not a “bad boy”. Sometimes I find myself disconnected from him and bored. My past relationships were unhealthy and tumultuous, but I unconsciously loved it (the relationship) because it was exciting. And my ego loves loves loves excitement. Now I live an ordinary life with my beau with less excitement. Less passion. No real drama. But is my issue really with my beau? No, not at all… I feel disconnected and bored with myself, and I project those feelings on him. I unrightfully use him to fill up my cup and give me what I need, instead of giving myself the things that I need. My life is ordinary and lacking excitement by my own accord. I can’t use anyone or anything as a filler. I have come far and grown deep, but I’m still in need of growth and always will be. So in these periods of confusion; it’s so vital to look deep and reflect. My beau is a good, supportive, loving man. We have the same goal of being present, living authentically, and transformation. He’s experienced my dark and light. He loves me unconditionally. And he has never given up on us. Back when we were doing long distance I tried to remove myself because distance was difficult and painful. But he wouldn’t give up. And he wouldn’t let me give up. He said he was only sure of one thing and his intuition told him that was me. I’m not sure if any of this resonates with you. Warm thoughts and love as you navigate your journey during rough waters! Xo

  3. I understand you like 100 percent… But what to do, if im bond to the place where i live, because i opened a pastry shop this year and invested all my capital into it? and in the mean time i explore my heart wanting to go gypset trough the world? But it means then leaving new business and my man just behind..

  4. I’ve been there. Hardest decision to make but there is no right or wrong one and whichever one you decide upon will open a new door of opportunity so either way it will have a happy outcome. ;) thinking of you xxx