Nothing lasts, but nothing is lost. — Spongle
Those words resonate through my soul as I think back to the lyrics of a 2005 underground psychedelic trance album that I used to listen to, on repeat, almost 10 years ago.
Right now, I am sitting in the warm sunshine, on the wooden back porch of a big, beautiful house in south St. Kilda, in Melbourne, with a big, old, happy chocolate labrador sunning himself at my feet. I feel happy, content, and peaceful in my heart.
The winds of change are in the air, and I don’t know yet, what direction they are going to blow me. I’m at another turning point that, like sliding doors, will make a mark on my future. There is no right, or wrong decision. Which is what makes this so hard. It hurts.
Do we stay together?
Or do we choose different paths?
After 1 big, beautiful, heart-expanding year together with my love, I am asking myself some big questions.
Where do we need to grow?
Where are we holding one another back?
What would life look like without one another?
Where do we need to soften, to accept, to let go?
When are we not taking personal responsibility for what we feel or experience?
Ever since we met up again in Bali, after 5 weeks apart, things felt different. Something was missing. That deep heart and soul connection was somehow gone. I could no longer feel him, the way that I used to.
I asked a couple of friends about their thoughts. They told me is was normal to feel this way sometimes. “Sometimes we feel it. Sometimes we don’t” said one. “I think we need to out of love in a way, to fall back in love with the same person” said another. All wise words.
I notice that we are both holding back in some way. Not expressing ourselves in our fullness. Cutting off parts of ourselves to make room for the other. Maybe its compromise. Maybe its obstruction.
Either way, it doesn’t feel good. I wonder if there is a different way. I love him deeply, with every cell in my body. But…
What if love isn’t enough to stay?
In 10 days we have flights booked to New Zealand. And this time, I might not go. This is my sliding door. A choice with endless possibilities.