I grew up thinking that I could absolutely not, under any conditions whatsoever, trust in the world around me. I was taught that people could not be trusted, that the entire world was against me, and that I had to fight for my corner in life. I believed that I had to do it all myself, and that if I wanted life to be a certain way, I would have to forcefully mould it to my desires.
It was exhausting. Day after day, fighting this unseen force, never showing my vulnerability, fearing that the world would see my weaknesses and take advantage of me.
Then one day, while at university in a class about stoic philosophy where I was leaning about Epictetus theory around being able to change our lives by controlling the internal states of our minds, I had an epiphany.
What if I stopped trying to control my life and instead started to believe that it was here for me?
It was one of those perfect moments when a sudden, intuitive perception or insight into the reality or essential meaning of life, came out of a simple, common philosophy tutorial. This epiphany changed my life.
What came next, was the hardest part.
How do I create that kind of unflappable trust in my life, when up to this point, I doubted the reliability of anything beyond the certainty of my mind?
Trust is a risky endeavour. It takes submission, vulnerability and courage, to trust. And yet, without trust, life is hardened into a solid, fearful and bitter thing, that leaves little room for warmth, colour and new experiences.
I started with intention.
I wrote in my journal that I wanted to be able to trust myself, my life, my intuition and the universe around me. That the fearful ways I had been controlling my life were making me feel tired and sad, and that, while I didn’t know, I could sense that there was more than this to life.
And then I waited for guidance. I was still at the very beginning of my journey with intuition, and what I understood by now, was she sometimes needed space and time to come to me.
One day, I had this idea (an intuitive nudge) to change my password to ‘itrustinlife‘. It felt good, to write that down every time I wanted to get into my emails. I started to feel something shift.
Then I decided to make it my mantra. Every time I caught myself trying to control and manipulate my life, every time I caught myself acting out of fear instead of trust I would say to myself ‘I trust in life‘ over and over again, until those scary feelings dissipated.
Eventually it became a game.
Just how much could I trust my intuition? Just how much could I trust the universe? Just how much could I trust my manifesting powers? There was only one way to play the trust game.
I had to be certain in my conviction that life was here for me and practice trust by being patient and waiting until the very final moment for the things that I wanted, to arise for me. When I wanted life to work out in certain way for me, when I wanted to manifest something specific, I couldn’t pull out last-minute because I had doubts. I had to buckle in and ride it out to the very end. What I realised was this:
Trust is a decision first, and a practice second.
Trust wasn’t about waiting for proof from the world that I could trust it. Trust was created by my decision to step onto the ledge, and leap into trust, into what I did not know, into the arms of my intuition and the universe, over and over again, until I knew, without a doubt, that I would be caught every single time.
What that meant was that I chose trust over doubt, over and over again, even though I didn’t know how things would work out. I decided to surrender my fate to something else, and to be okay with that.
Trust is a risky thing. But it’s a risk that is rewarded many, many, many times over with life gifts that run beyond what we can imagine for ourselves.
[This is a short piece from my upcoming book ‘The Practical Guide To Your Intuition and The Universe‘. I hope you find it helpful. It has been a joy to write.]
Photo: Mimi Lashiry