Yesterday I found myself back in that little sunny rectangle on my yoga mat. It felt as if I was an entirely different human to the one who had wept in that space only 10 days ago. It’s amazing what a difference a week and a half can make.
One night I woke up at 4am, unstoppable tears streaming down my face and a sense of hopelessness so great I thought it might crush my entire body. Julien woke up and took me in his arms and listened to my confusing spiel about how I didn’t know why I was crying, and that I was sorry for it. He seemed to understand even more than I did, consoling me with his words. This is huge for you, I know. He said. It’s a lot to take in all at once.
After that night, things started to change.
Even though we have not found the right place to rent or buy yet, we did find the next stepping stone, an offer to house- and dog-sit, on and off, for the next month and a half, giving us more time to find our perfect ‘home’. It was a relief as the pressure was off.
We planned two week-long road trips around British Columbia this month, and well, if you’ve been journeying alongside me for a while now, you know nothing could make me happier. I’ll be sharing all my favorite travel-inspired pictures on Instagram. It’s going to be wonderful!
Thank you for the innumerable kind words I received the days following my confession that I was struggling. It actually made all the difference, as did the recommendations for Vitamin D drops (they totally work), and my Astrological insight (thank you Danielle) which really clarified things for me, as well as my journaling rituals that allowed me to work the things inside me back out.
Through journaling I started to realise that part of my sudden fling into a somber state of (almost) depression was based on some little-girl fears I was holding close to my heart. Fears that initially manifested as deep sadness, and then also anger. Fear that I might lose myself in a world that feels confining and linear to me. Canada is beautiful and wild, but winter keeps one locked inside and restricted to indoor spaces. Fear that I have to be a ‘good girl’ to fit into society here. It’s been a long time since I have lived in a traditional, conservative environment. Fear that I might have deceived and entrapped myself in the entanglement of lovers’ dreams: a house and a life in a town.
While, logically, I know that no-one can take my freedom and wildness away, my inner child was certain that she was being forsaken for more grown-up endeavours. She has allowed me live to the free-spirited life that I have chosen, and she suddenly felt like her dreams weren’t important anymore. So I promised her that her freedom and wildness would always be my priority, and that I would keep them in tact by always listening closely, every day, to what she needed.
As soon as I welcomed and embraced my sadness, anger and fear, they began to soften. And then time, time really is the ultimate healer. With time, and intention to change the flux I was in, and loving support, everything started to feel better.
I am writing this to you today from the office of our friend’s place. I have a chai tea on my left and my journal open to my right, as I prepare for a big day of mentoring clients and tying up loose ends. Being here feels good. And it reminds me that sometimes, no matter how much personal responsibility you take for your life, and the way that you feel, there are always external factors influencing things.
That the best thing you can sometimes do, is change. Change your environment. Change your plans. Change your focus. Change the people you spend time with.
Until things come back into alignment.
The past few days have been filled with filming all the videos for the updated version of my popular course Manifest More that starts again on Monday April 10 PST. It’s incredible how much energy it takes to be eloquent, spirited and clearly share all the lessons that you want to share, in sixteen 10 to 20 minute segments. It’s been such a joy to create these lessons for you.
Over the next few weeks I will be sharing lots more stories around how manifestations work in my life, and what I do, to consciously cultivate the kind of life that is in alignment with my highest self, and my biggest, wildest dreams for my life and the world. It’s one of my favourite topics in the entire world.
In the meantime, if you haven’t already, I’d love you to join me on a 7 day adventure: my Free 7 Day Manifesting Course. It has already been taken by over 1,400 inspired folks, who write to me every day, letting me know about the amazing things that they have manifested. I am honoured and jubilant every time I read about the lives that you consciously create through the fine art of relating with the universe and your own soul.