My legs are tucked under me as I lean forward to reach my keyboard on the bed in front of me. I washed the sheets this morning and for the entire 3 hours that it took to wash and dry them I walked around the house feeling betrayed and confused because I had nowhere to go. I only wanted to be on the bed.
Since then I’ve been wondering exactly how to tell you what I’ve been thinking and feeling.
In short, everything is changing. I’ve felt it for weeks, this gnawing at the edge of everything I do, telling me that the more I narrow down, subtract, edit, limit and let go, the more my life will flourish. It’s a spring clean for how I’m doing life.
It began when I moved to Canada. I knew it was coming…
It started with endless fatigue, fatigue so great I couldn’t sleep, and weeks passed by as I grew more and more tired and irritated and sharp. Then the tears. Everything made me cry. People being kind to me. Watching puppies play. So I did what I always do: I googled for hours searching for answers.
Two things came up. 1. Hormone imbalance. 2. Adrenal fatigue.
I went to see a naturopath, a gentle, soft-spoken woman named Tara. As soon as she looked at me, she knew. “After finishing medical school, starting my business and having a baby I had them too.” she told me as I burst into tears after sharing as much as I could as to why I was sitting in her office.
It’s the adrenal fatigue that triggers me. It makes so much sense and yet I have been avoiding it for years distracting myself with adventure and excitement in an attempt to avoid reckoning with a behaviour that does me no good: living on an adrenalin-fueled edge with little consideration for my very-human limitations. I have done it through drugs, relationships, travel and work. I saw my mum do it and I realise that these things are not so much genetic but learned behaviours that play out when we haven’t unravelled the deep conditioning.
Tara put me on a strict regimen of intensive self-care: 3 whole meals per day (no more skipping) including 20g of protein with each meal (which is like… 3 eggs!) some herbs, and enormous amounts of rest.
Days later I flew to London to co-host The Heartful Biz workshop with my friend Claire, meet 4 clients for 1-on-1 creative sessions and immerse myself in the love that is my soul-sisters who live there.
London exceeded every expectation in every possible way… But it was not restful. It was full, and intense, wonderful and beautiful, and everything I had hoped for, but armed with the knowledge of the limits of my body, and the healing I am doing, I resolved that as soon as I came back home, the way I approached my life would change.
I used to extract a lot of my self-worth and importance from creating a life that was based on depleting my resources. I thought to be worthy was to work and play and live so hard that there is nothing left. I often forgot to honor my own edge and feared that because I have a gentle nature my energy limits were also my shortcomings.
On an intellectual level I know that this isn’t true. On a physiological level it’s a pattern that has been so deeply ingrained in me that learning to live without it feels foreign and awkward. But I am learning. Which is why everything has to change.
The way I eat and exercise. No more starving myself because then tomorrow I’ll feel skinny. Who knew a subtle eating disorder was hiding under all that too. That the slight softness on my belly that wouldn’t shift was a result of my adrenals and hormones being unbalanced.
The way I protect my energy levels. Naps, rest and relaxing are strictly adhered to even though often I want to do just one more thing. It sounds ridiculous: resistance to resting, but after years of putting myself in circumstances that lead me to my edge until adrenalin and stress became my norm, this is where I find myself.
The way I work is being refined. I love my business and multifaceted tasks I do every day. Creating beautiful, helpful and practical resources and support for women to truly take full responsibility of their lives and happiness at the crossroads of manifestation, intuitive living, radical self-trust and creative business is my heart. But I’ve been approaching it all with unrestrained love and little structure. A lot of energy has been wasted along the way. Truthfully, I think every business starts like that. The changes in my life, however, must also be reflected in my business.
I don’t have all the answers yet. I’m still at the very beginning of this. We will see, as we journey alongside one another over the next few months, exactly how all this will unfold.
All these changes have led me to thinking a lot about who I am and what I’m all about the last few days.
In my day-to-day I exist at this intersection between psychology, creativity, business and spirituality.
Psychology because it is the basis for human behaviour and changing our psychology is what allows us to step into a sweeter, happier, better life. Evolution is in our DNA and understanding that allows us to make wise choices. Experiences like this one only furthers my fascination with human behaviour and how we can make conscious choices and create our lives, over being subject to habits, patterns and circumstances.
Creativity because it is the ultimate human expression. Human beings, all of us, are creative by nature, and figuring out our unique brand of creativity allows us to be fully expressed and fulfilled.
Business because I see it as the ultimate vehicle for freedom and change in our current world. Where politics and religion have failed, business now speaks for its people because money has the power to transform the market and the world, when we use it wisely. Business allows us make choices, to have a lighter footprint, work fewer hours, and do things with integrity that we truly believe in.
Spirituality because it is container that holds everything together. Without our connection to the universe and ultimate understanding that we are insignificant star-like flecks dotted across a sky, we lose sight of our place in the world and the true meaning of life which is simply to enjoy this sensual human experience and all the emotions and human interactions that it brings. We tend to turn something beautiful, complex and simple into something complicated, difficult and confusing.
My head feels muddled. My heart feels clear. I journal and rest and journal and work and rest and journal and watch Netflix and cry and rest and journal and I know I will figure all this out.
Thank you for being here and listening as I find my way.