It’s my last week in Mexico. I am lying on my stomach on the second bed in our hotel room that I have dubbed “the office bed” reflecting on my past 6 weeks in this wild and sunshine-y country. These past 6 weeks in Mexico have thawed my heart and reignited my spirit in ways beyond words. I feel most alive amongst the chaos and clashing colours and sometimes illogical ways of doing things.
Before I came to Mexico I spent many nights despairing about where I had gone wrong. For so long I kept blaming myself for feeling so sad and lacklustre, but it turns out, that I had been pushing myself to fit a situation that simply did not work.
It is not my place to ask others’ to change. I believe that each and every one of us is responsible for our own happiness. When I first realised I was unhappy living in the small town in the desert in Canada, I spoke to Julien about other opportunities and options, which he quickly waved away. He is happy, where he is. I respect and admire that he has found his place in the world.
The conclusion this sentiment left me with was that, in order for me to get what I need to be happy, I would have to leave someone I really love, behind. Since then, many things have changed.
With time alone to think, my determination to do what is right for me, grew. I wrote about my reinvention, which caused a sensational stir, and suddenly my words were being heard by my beloved in a way that they had not been before. Alternative places to live were listed and new doors began to open. I consulted several girlfriends on the sudden change in heart I was seeing, and we all agreed that men seem to require radical action to truly hear what is going on.
Feeling uncertain about the future, I tried to broach the topic a few times, when my beloved came to join me in Mexico. I wanted to know, for sure, what he wanted for himself and his life. I didn’t want our relationship to be a result of the fear of letting each other go, but because we can actually see a future with each other. Just like I would never expect someone to change for me, I want to be with someone who can accept me exactly as I am, with all of my idiosyncratic chaotic quirks.
I will never be a demure housewife who stays at home to have children and simply does as her masculine companion requests. I will always want to travel, to experience new things, to risk it all in the name of intuition. I want to live a life that heralds love and passion and creativity before everything else. I don’t want to be defined by practicalities or meticulous logical steps. I choose to trust in something that I cannot see: a vibration that defies the odds of reason. I believe in freedom, wildness, magic and miracles and am living a life that is made up of such. It turns out I have big dreams to fill, bigger than I knew I had. Conventional expectations are never going to meet those dreams.
One night over a couple of rare margaritas, I blurted out all my feelings, messily sobbing between words as I tried to relate the depth and breadth of all I was feeling. I seldom drink, the sour liquid lubricating my emotions and bringing them to my tongue, in ways that before I couldn’t.
Astonishingly, I discovered that Julien felt similarly on many of the topics we explored that night. The gap between us wasn’t as wide as I had perceived it to be. While he doesn’t share some of my ambitions and risky heart-first approaches, he shared with me his own beautiful vision of his life and our future. We agreed that things would to change and this year would unravel differently.
Because I have a very loose attachment style and my dedication to living a life on my terms is paramount, I would have walked away far too easily if he hadn’t been so adamant to find a way that works for both of us. Love is a beautiful thing, but there’s so much of it all around that I have a tendency to let go of relationships too easily. I’m grateful that he has been so persistent in negotiating another path.
So for now, we are heading back to Canada in a week. I intend to focus all my passion, new-found inspiration and creative energy on various big projects I have coming up for work until I fly away for a couple of months to spend May in London (more details on that soon) and June travelling Europe with one of my best friends. We will spend the summer together in Canada, preparing our house for rent and then, are planning to move to the very progressive city of Victoria on Vancouver Island soon after that.
Nothing in the future can ever be certain, but as we attempt to navigate a solution that works for both of us, we are learning more about ourselves and each other. Our love is deepening. We are both growing. And maybe that’s all that really matters.