Finally, the blood is here and she is full and juicy and red and gushing. After a 47-day cycle, nothing is more satisfying.
So much is coming up for me right now. About life and aliveness. About men and the masculine in my life. About polarity and equilibrium.
I miss feeling wild and free and just ALIVE. I’ve become so domesticated the past 8 or so years. In order to heal the trauma and habitual fight-or-flight patterns I’ve had to slow down, create safety and self-regulate but at the expense of feeling that buzz of aliveness from the constant drip of cortisol — the only addiction still wired into my cells.
I used to live one day to the next, totally absorbed in each moment in perpetual survival mode. It was exhilarated and I loved living in the emotional chaos of one adrenaline rush to another in the form of a lifetsyle that meant never being settled, feeding off uncertainty and danger, defying conventional society.
I wanted to change. I chose to heal. I knew I had to stop chasing the chemical highs that were my normal from growing up in an unstable environment. Yet I mourn a version of myself and my life that was once my own. I feel complacent about my life. I feel rebellious and filled with rage at a world that has gone mad under the guise of protecting itself from the unpredictable nature of life.
The past two years have shocked me into a fearful complacency that I am not familiar with. I am trying hard to shake it off. Is it age or is it too much comfort that makes me fussy about details like the just-right firmness of a mattress and how the morning light creeps in?
There was a decade of my life where none of that mattered, years spent sleeping in strange uncomfortable places bouncing awake bright-eyed and filled with enthusiasm. Like the time I fell asleep on a chair in the middle of the Mexican jungle waiting for the world to end. It was 2012 and the end of the Mayan calendar. To awaken at two in the morning to the sound of distant drums and following that sound to a circle in a clearing. Where I stripped off and danced and sang in the rain until the sun rose with 50 strangers whose names I did not know.
is that life over? Is our world so regulated that I will never experience this kind of spontaneity and freedom ever again? Is that girl I once was gone?
Replaced by sensible bedtime rituals and daily routines to protect the fragile vulnerabilities of my human body and mind. I miss the liberated wildness from a life where I did not care what happens while fiercely appreciating the tenderness and sanctity of life I have now. I want to find an in-between those two versions of my world. A “middle way” as Buddha suggests.
I am moving through the final threads of healing something around men and the masculine. I have been carrying a thread of disappointment around with me the past two years as I make peace with how my own conditioning has led me to participate in and enable the patriarchy and take responsibility for my piece of upholding a sick and imbalanced perspective. With this recognition, I have witnessed so many disappointments. Men, so self-unaware, so entitled, so irresponsible, lacking integrity, shielding their fragile egos with little lies. There is a holy rage running through me and I need to burn it out.
As I feel it I heal it. As I feel it I redefine it. As I feel it I see another path. As I feel it I let it go.
I woke up late and pulled on leggings and a jumper to jump in my car. I picked up a friend at the end of her road and drove to the most south-western point of Mallorca. We hiked up a hill that made me pant and sweat and groan until we were greeted by views of an island that looks like a dragon’s head rising out of the sea. We sat at the lookout and snacked on carrots and nuts and let our hearts fill with the nourishment of nature’s beauty. We scrambled down a cliff face where the path fell away and trudged through bushes and grasses to find our way until we were met by the glittering sea again. I stripped down she did too. Naked we tiptoed our way into the cold winter sea until our bodies submerged. We screeched with delight as our breath was returned after the initial exhilaration and remembered what it is to feel alive.
After months of stagnancy, physical and emotional pain and drudgery, and wading through sticky molasses-like energy, so much are finally shifting again. I have almost finished my Compassionate Inquiry course with Gabor Mate and not only is it fuelling me on so many levels professionally, but it has also offered me a new perspective on my own childhood trauma and the tools and practices I have around handled these aspects of myself.
If the last two years taught me anything it is the deep capacity to hold space for the darkest parts of myself and others in such a way that it is so safe and easily transmuted. My emotional maturity has new layers to it. I used to bypass and diminish the aspects of myself that required validation of ugly emotions and feelings but I don’t do that anymore. It is all welcome here. My capacity and compassion have been broadened and expanded. It is so safe to go to those places within myself now. Which is significantly mirrored in my work.
I just woke up from the strangest dream…
I was a slave, working for a wealthy family. It was set on the seaside in an almost apocalyptic version of the ’80s or ’90s. I owned nothing, got paid nothing, just slaving all day every day and rushing in some meals in between. I felt like I had zero choices zero possibilities, nothing to live for. I wanted to die. I felt at peace with that decision.
Two of my slave friends, a daughter and her mother felt the same so we decided to run away to kill ourselves. The mother had access to syringes and poisons that put you to sleep forever and we planned everything meticulously. We ran away from the house we were enslaved in and met up in a slaves room of a hotel one night.
Each of us had syringes filled with this poison each sitting on a single bed. I was so ready for it to be over I rushed to put the syringe in my left arm and pushed the liquid into me. As I lay there on the bed I started to feel really sleepy and I thought this is it this is my time. I was at peace and content to go and fell asleep.
But then later I woke up. I looked over and saw my friend and her mother dead on their beds. And I looked at my arm and there was a big swollen bulge where the poison had gone in. In my rush to get it done, I had pressed it into the muscle of my arm instead of a blood vessel and my body had neatly protected itself from the poison so I find myself, alive, breathing, with a second chance at life.
I have nothing except my life. I realise something. I am free! I always was free. All I had to do was make a new decision and act. All it took was to leave the situation I was in. All it took was a leap of faith. Life wanted me to live. It always does. We can always make a new decision and act on it. Liberation is literally a choice away.
Wild. What a wild dream.
I have had a devilish relationship with my body and its fluctuating weight since I can remember, like most women I speak to. I have a small frame and put on and lose weight equally as easily, but staying in that self-determined “perfect” state has been near impossible.
I “feel” the best and like my body the most when I’m slender. When I’m slender I’m not eating. I’m newly in love or stressed or heartbroken or travelling in a country where I don’t control my meals. I wonder if that feeling that I’m chasing is actually love. The love of a world that validates a woman when she is slim and gives her snide side-eyes when she’s not.
Why is it that we live in a world that celebrates women for their girlish figures? It is normal at 40 to still want to look like you’ve hardly been touched by the life that you’ve lived?
Most importantly when do we begin distinguishing between our conditioning and our true desires to redefine what we really need to feel good / loved / safe?
Hey, I don’t have answers. Nor am I cured. I lie here writing this laughing at the absurdity of me wanting to starve the softness of 5kg off my bones. That’s why I’m asking questions here.
I think my period is due.
Every time my blood returns I celebrate. I have celebrated and loved my cycle since I was 23, naturally compelled by the secret mystery that lives within me. Every month it’s a delight when those first twinges of my uterus lining tearing, move through me bringing me back home into my body. I am grateful for the cyclical capacity to let go and release emotionally and physically over and over again, reminding me that I can trust the rhythms of life. Nothing lasts and nothing is lost.
I firmly believe that outsourcing your health and wellness to a body outside of you, especially one that is rooted in capitalist structures like the State and governments is literal insanity. I have no idea when this happened, that human beings stopped taking responsibility for their own bodies and handed them over to corporations. But I think if there’s one thing that everyone should have taken away from the past year is that the most valuable thing you own is the health of your own body, mind and soul.
Life has felt stagnant in unfamiliar ways though so much is happening in the undercurrents, so I keep remembering that one wise soul who told me that contraction always precedes expansion. I don’t recognise myself anymore, the past year had me swaying in the chaos of discomfort but there are glimpses here in my own personal dark magic with uncertain endings, of a new version of me that is to slip out when she is ready.
Seasonally, I tend to do a cleanse of some kind to alleviate the sense of disillusionment I feel with the world at times and expedite the rush and flow of life to move through my body which tends to contact during periods of growth and change.
Around the corner from my flat is a tiny garage-turned-juice-bar that fulfils all my nature’s nourishment fantasies. YouJuice is run by the delightfully enigmatic Anita who customised the most perfect 6 days of juices cleanse and 2 days of raw food program for me.
I woke up this morning feeling slightly euphoric, overnight something had released and there wasn’t this grasping for something outside of me or outside of my control. I can’t seem to work. I have no motivation or presence or space for it. I hope the inspiration returns as I do love the creativity of it. Apart from completing the most pressing and immediate tasks, my body is asking me to rest but I am inspired by the simplified, pared-down way of running my business lately. It’s something that I want to expand into as I move forward. The juices are crazy delicious and the beetroot kvas is very effective. I’m on the toilet within the hour! My favourite is the warm coconut turmeric mylk at the end of the day, it’s so soothing.
I have had a broad headache from about noon until the evening when the kvas came into effect and I went to the toilet. Because this cleanse includes so much juice, about 4L per day, I am never hungry. I feel unmotivated and tired and frustrated by the looping self-destructive fear that “I’m not doing enough” which keeps rising in my conscious mind. Again, I find myself here peeling away layers of this deep-seated conditioning that questions my worth. I have given myself the gift of deleting all my social media apps in an effort to be more present with this journey and adapt my relationship with my phone. I notice I reach for it when I am sad and lonely when in fact what I year for is community and partnership. Perhaps this restfulness is precisely what I need despite my mind’s resistance.
I slept 10 hours last night. Like a baby. When I wake up I feel content and at peace. I miss travelling. I feel like wrapping things up here and selling everything I don’t need and living on the road again. I miss the fluidity and the simplicity of life where nothing matters except moment-to-moment interactions and finding a place to sleep at night. I’ve had a little bit of a headache again today, not as strong as yesterday, but more negative and anxious thoughts. Instead, the dangly bit at the back of my throat feels swollen, a sure sign that something there is healing. And I’ve had a spontaneous bowel movement with black tar-like matter showing me that deep detoxification is happening.
I’ve come to realise that when I don’t feel good in my body it’s largely due to inflammation, definitely: wheat and maybe; eggs and plant milk too; and more than a little dairy, those 4 will do it to me. Today is the strongest day so far. I’ve had a really strong headache for most of the day especially down the left side and my left eye. Yesterday it was all around the back of my throat but today my brain hurts. I feel toxins literally being drawn out and dumped into my circulatory system to eliminate and keep having to go to the toilet. I find myself googling flights to faraway places as a coping mechanism. I’m bored and feel trapped and stagnant and am so ready to see some signs for what’s next for me.
The one thing I am most impressed and grateful for is how much I am eliminating. Every day, several times per day. There’s some truly old, stinky stuff being released. Today is my last day on juices and tomorrow I get to taste the raw food that was delivered this afternoon.
I had one of the smoothies for breakfast yesterday and omg, despite all the juices being so delicious, I do really love food. I was high for the next 5 hours from all that deliciousness. I’ve made some really big, personal lofe decisions across the past week while immersed in my cleanse. I feel so much relief in my body from these new conclusions. My brain is reconceptualising my life for me but realising that it needs to get out of the way.
In the week and a half since my cleanse so much has shifted for me within and without. I’ve recommitted to nourishing my body in a way so that it hums as nature intended. I choose vitality and aliveness with more raw, hydrating, and luscious fruits and vegetables simply because it feels so much better. I choose to worship my body as the only real home I have in this world which means not using her as a dumping ground for emotions that are inconvenient to feel at the moment they arise knowing that my body is the only real tool I have for pleasure, enjoyment and expression.
I grew up in an environment that was highly controlled by people who feared life. It meant that from the moment I was self-aware enough the only thing I wanted was freedom. Liberation from being told what to do by people who were living out their unresolved pain within a society that has an unnatural addiction to productivity.
As soon as I was able to I vehemently stood against the routines, structures and systems I was taught in favour of gentler, more intuitive and cyclical living. I believe in the intelligence of nature above the intelligence of man. I believe we all have access to that intelligence. It is body-led, not mind-led.
The world loves to tell us what to do. In return, we have been conditioned to look for external guidance and validation on everything we do. From the moment we enter the school system if not before, we are taught the invalidity of our own independent thoughts and feelings. So we look to others for how to do things.
Information at our fingertips like Google has stolen our trust in ourselves and our bodies. Or, more correctly, we have handed over our relationship with the wisdom of our bodies to the need to have everything answered and validated by an external source. This is dangerous and disempowering. It means we don’t trust the intelligence of nature to take care of us.
Including routines. The personal development and self-growth industry have touted morning and evening routines as the go-to practices. With good reason. I agree with the sentiment that the way we live our day-to-day reverberates throughout our lives. There are millions of articles and podcasts and books on how to have the perfect morning and evening routines.
Routines are consistent ways that we intentionally show up for ourselves to make life good. Routines are practised self-love. The magic lies in how we do things not what we do.
There is no perfect routine out there. Because different ways of showing up will serve different people at different times as we move through the chapters of our lives.
We all learn so much from others. The beauty of life is that, in a way, we are all raising each other, sharing what we have learned works for us, guiding one another home, over and over again. I adore this part of the human experience.
And… as we learn from one another there is an opportunity to refer to our own inner knowing. To, instead of requiring others to be responsible for our wellbeing and living a good life, assign our routines to be an ever-evolving reflection of our dreams, growth and desires in the world.
When I am asked what my morning and evening routines look like, I hesitate to answer. I don’t want to add to this noise. What I really want is to encourage the asker to explore what habits will become the sum of a life well-lived? I teach my process on how to identify this in my free course: Pause & Pivot.
To provide an example of what I teach and how that looks like in my own life. My highest values are freedom, beauty, creativity and peace. Each of those words can be distilled into specific expressions. For example, peace means choosing peaceful relationships, feeling at peace in my home and inhabiting a peaceful body. These expressions become practices and routines. Inhabiting a peaceful body means that my health and physical well-being are at the forefront of my priorities. Simple but important things like sleep, nourishment, movement and hydration feed into my daily routines.
I am, by nature, inconsistent. What I enjoy doing and in what order changes all the time. Sometimes I live a perfect day by Google’s standards. I wake early, dance around in my pants, drink lots of water, exercise (walk/run/yoga/pilates), journal, meditate. Then work, eat, socialise. And wind down by turning my phone off by 9.30 pm, read, journal, sleep. Other days I stay in bed until close to noon, thinking, writing, feeling, processing and then allow my day to flow from there.
In Pause & Pivot, I share how my routines are guided by my daily non-negotiables.
As I wrote previously here, my aim is to live my life guided by the intelligence of my body over the constructs of my mind and the only way I know to do that is to intimately feel and listen to myself. Different days call for different approaches to life.
Moving back to the UK, just before a global pandemic, and then being restricted from integrating into my new environment due to lock-down, followed by the important #BLM that has shown me how I too, have benefited from institutionalised racism has been A LOT to take in, in a very short amount of time. I’ve had to give myself permission to take more time, to rest more, to be sad when I feel sad, to process it all. I crave nature, tending to a garden, feeding my loved ones and giggling over a glass of wine more than anything now.
Abruptly I see things so differently as if I have been catapulted from one reality to another, where the old one was shrouded in a misty view of the world that I now see it from a more lucid perspective. My work has been focused on unravelling so much old conditioning, to allow the new that wants to emerge, breath its way in. There have been moments of pure elation and pleasure alongside moments of deep sadness and loneliness.
As the days here are getting warmer and longer, I’ve embarked on a water fast and a small social media hiatus to reset and breath some new space and life into my body and mind.
In yoga, focus on the exhalation is important because it creates space for higher quality oxygen and efficiency on the inhale. In life, focus on letting go and releasing is valuable because it offers us space to allow the new that’s waiting for us, in.
Let me preface this with the fact that I am not recommending this for you. It’s something that I have done for personal and spiritual reasons since my early 20’s and am well-versed in. I also have a very strong connection to my body and am always listening to what it is telling me. I would never embark on a fast without my body’s guidance, ensuring that I fast safely and in connection to what I need. I do me, you do you.
It was a dusky Thursday evening when, serendipitously my fridge was empty in leu of my Friday morning farmers market sojourn, I felt this strong urge to give my body a break. When I try to explain what that feels like it’s kind of like a frustrated, blocked energy in my body (lack of energetic flow) and this desire to create more internal space coupled with complete apathy to food, food preparation and eating.
I decided on some basic objectives: mostly water, some herbal teas and coconut water or vegetable broth with sea salt for bowel movements, for 7-10 days, as and when my body told me it had had enough. I like fasting for two key reasons: 1. it offers me a break from unconscious habits and offers me the objective perspective to choose or change them, and 2. it gives my body time to deeply heal.
Even though I am well-educated on the topic of fasting I like to encourage myself with resources. Here are some of the videos I watched: Science of Fasting, Facing the Fat, Water Fasting: The Complete Guide.
Days 1 — 3.
Really strong headaches and a very obvious insight into how I use food to comfort myself and numb the feelings that I don’t understand. There have been a lot of those feelings recently. The first 3 days are generally the most challenging as the body moves into ketosis. On the second day my hip, wrist, knee and ankle joints were making themselves known. I tried to move them out on a long walk. The emotions associated with joints are usually unexpressed anger, resentment, aggression, criticism (of self and others), lack of support, and fear. I journaled about those. On day 3 my skin was glowing and feeling so soft and clear. It’s astonishing what a few days without food can do for our organs.
Days 4 — 6.
On the morning of day 4, I woke up with the most acute hip aches. Research shows that healing usually occurs in reverse so from the most recent illnesses and injuries to the ones further in the past. I remembered feeling this same hip ache after my significant breakup 2 years ago and sensed it was a healing crisis. This yin yoga class really helped I did every day after that. The headaches were gone now and my eyes felt incredibly clear and light. My outer thighs ached as the emotions and toxins stored in those were processed on day 5 and I plagued myself with delicious-looking food from Lucia of Ambrosia’s Table. By day 6 I felt amazing but also ready to start eating again. I knew my period was due and my body needed nourishing soon.
I felt so much clarity in particular around my spiritual path. I am always challenged by the paradox of internal contentment and external success. I’ve never been one to chase a career or high levels of achievement, rather my intention has been to create a lifestyle in which I am supported and held to follow my inner guidance and insights. Sometimes it is hard to know how to balance that yin-yang in life. I’m willing to try and learn and find a way to navigate it though as it seems to be an important aspect of my human experience. By 8 pm I’m genuinely hungry and feeling some menstrual-like cramping so I bake a sweet potato in the oven and slowly eat it.
I wake up early the next to the strangest dream, where I am walking down the aisle to get married and have layered 3 white dresses one on top of the next that I peel off to the last one as I walk down the aisle to make the wedding more fun and exciting. I’m confused as to what it means and find it entertaining to think about. Two of those 3 white dresses currently live in my wardrobe.
I feel different. More present. More embodied. More able to listen to my body. Clearer. Kinder.
I’m so grateful for this fast, a little gift — a slice of time, for myself. It’s fascinating to me how the things that serve us the most aren’t often the ones you can buy in shops or get by having more.
One of the best parts (in my opinion) of the COVID-19 pandemic in which we don’t really know which way is up, is the space and time that has opened doors into deepening creativity.
A few days ago, when I was writing my latest personal update, I wanted to be able to post some pictures of what life “at home” looks like and since Danger hasn’t quite got this in his skill set, decided to do a little impromptu self-portrait photoshoot.
I received SO MANY DM’s asking how I did it, so here we go.
What you need:
- a tripod
- a camera phone or camera
- a window with bright but indirect light
I used my iPhone X set up on my normal camera tripod (specifically this one) with a phone clip.
You want to position the tripod right up against the window, facing you because natural light is the most flattering and will get rid of any imperfections and weird shadows. In this set of photos, I just sat on my sofa as it’s facing enormous french doors so bring in lots of light.
And then, play!
I did my self-portrait photoshoot in two ways:
- In the first set of photos, at the top of this article, I used Instagram. I selected the hands-free mode, then chose a filter that I like and pressed play. For those 15 seconds, I moved around in fun ways that I thought I might like to capture, with a glass of wine in hand as a prop. Then I saved the video and picked out frames that I like and screenshot them to save them to my photos. You can actually see the various video frames at the bottom of some of those photos.
- The second set of photos that you can, I used the good old iPhone timer. I’d set it up to 3 or 10 seconds, press “go” and then run into position. Afterwards, I deleted the ones I didn’t like and edited them in the Tezza app.
That’s it! Easy, breezy, beautiful self-portrait photoshoot.
Do’s and don’ts:
- Don’t’ shoot in direct sunlight as this will create harsh shadows unless of course, you are being creative, and want that kind of contrast in your pictures.
- Do take as many photos as possible and then delete the ones you don’t like. The more you have to choose from, the better the results.
- Don’t overthink it. This is supposed to be fun.
- Do use props and have outfit changes ready. The more playful and experimental you get the more photos you will take that can feel proud of and show to the public.