the unsexy truth about growth, expansion and creating an authentic life in a world that wants us to conform to a set structure
I was a good girl for all of my childhood. Not because I was innately good. But because I quavered in the fear of ever-looming punishment from caregivers who were not self-regulated*.
I secretly harboured the desire to run away. I tried, once, when I was 11. I was desperate to grow up so I could make my own decisions. I saw right through the lies the adults told incessantly day in, and day out. I wanted to make my own life.
One day I was 17. I had finished school and left home without real-life skills. My maternal grandmother had spent years teaching me how to be a good girl so that one day I would marry and become a good wife. I could cook and clean and be pleasing.
I had no self-esteem, no idea who I was, what I wanted, or even, what I liked.
Those first few years of ‘adulthood’ were hard. I had no real support network and had to figure everything out on my own.
So I tried lots of things and learned about myself.
I loved dancing, but not drinking. I loved getting lost in nature, but not in cities. I loved drawing and writing, but not team sports. Except for ultimate frisbee which brought out a competitive streak I didn’t know I had. I loved deep conversations, but not small talk. I was ‘bubbly’ to cover my social anxiety. I was a dreamer and a drifter, who had no solid plans or aims or direction.
So I travelled: Australia, Austria, Italy, England.
I worked as a waitress, as a nanny, at an ice cream shop, and in a bar (which I quickly quit because not only do I not like drinking I hate drunk people). I worked as a temp, as a receptionist at a glossy magazine, and as the secretary for a prominent film editor.
Then, on a particularly cold winter day in London, a few months after turning 20 I decided to study psychology in the hottest place I could find. That hot place was a small university in the northern tropics edged by The Great Barrier Reef in Australia in the jungle.
Like many more remote places in Australia, it was backwards unsophisticated and coarse. But I loved it.
I loved that my professors wandered the campus with long, wild hair and no shoes. I loved that they were honest about who they were (hippies) and why they were there (to get funding for their studies and theories). I loved that I lived a few blocks away from the Coral Sea. I loved that the summers were unspeakably hot until the rains came and when the rain did come it poured in buckets. I loved that winter wear was one measly sweater that got pulled out for three weeks per year. I loved that, in our free time, my friends and I chased waterholes and waterfalls and rainforest walks and secret parties in the bush. I loved that this was where I found yoga, magic mushrooms, and EDM**.
Spending so much time connecting to nature, both human nature and the natural world around us, I observed something.
inhale = expansion
exhale = contraction
growth = expansion
introspection = contraction
creativity = expansion
discipline = contraction
life = expansion
death = contraction
Each expansion is coupled with a contraction.
That’s what we’ve got to get comfortable with. That’s the bit we have to embrace. We can’t hold our breath forever. We can’t have expansion without contraction.
During my studies, I learned that the subconscious mind is a goal-serving mechanism. That when you give it direction it will come up with solutions. I decided that, if I did indeed want to make my life like I promised myself as a little girl, I would have to come up with a formula I could follow to create an authentic life in a world that wants us to conform to a set structure.
I believe in human agency and our creative power.
And I also believe in the kismet assertion that parts of our lives are contained by an ecstatic swell of destiny, only accessible by surrender.
How does that work?
~ can we both have direction AND surrender?
~ can we step up AND step back?
The formula that works for me, is seen in the following 4 steps:
listen
trust
follow
repeat
by listen, I mean:
getting SO close to yourself, you can hear your truth
becoming able to feel the whisper of your heart (contraction and expansion)
selfholding – knowing that whatever happens, you have got yourself
by follow, I mean:
taking every necessary step to make it happen
committing to the process, no matter how hard, difficult or painful
by repeat, I mean:
keep checking in, is it still true? has it changed?
if it’s still true, continue. if not, change.
This type of surrender is not about sitting back.
It is about active engagement, continuous tuning in, and following the signposts.
Once I figured out my formula I discovered that staying on course with my authentic truth in this world doesn’t come naturally. When we’re bombarded by cynicism and criticism and negativity, it’s not easy to smile and shake it off with a sigh and soften back into my own direction.
It is truly radical to chart your soul’s true path.
New levels of growth, require new levels of approach. So I reached for sturdier support to hold me.
1. decide
Only you can make your life. No accreditation*** or external validation is going to be able to do that for you. It is all down to you. You have to decide. You have to decide what you want. You have to decide that you are worthy of it.
2. be flexible
Realign and experiment as many times as it takes. Sometimes, maybe because you’ve been blindsided by limiting beliefs, you haven’t allowed yourself to go deep within to explore what you’re intuitively capable of. Try again. Go deeper. Ask for more.
3. be bold and daring
Doubts and fears can cripple our ability to act. It takes courage to walk your own path. Courage is cumulative. And it requires releasing your doubts and fears and allowing yourself to attune to positive, high vibrational, creative energy. There are so many methods for that. I personally often reach for applied kinesiology.
4. generational rewiring
Many of the self-concepts we hold are predetermined by generational conditioning. These limit us from living our authentic lives. If I had not devoted myself to rewiring my makeup I’d be an inauthentically unhappy ‘good wife’ right now.
5. loving compassion
No long-lasting change has ever come from force or coercion. The only way through is with tremendous tenderness, warmth and compassion.
6. intuition
We are all energetically unique. To make your own life you need to bypass the rational mind and connect straight to your energy source: the source of all inspiration and intuition. I do this by having self-dates where I simmer in my own energy or as I heard someone call it recently be in vibrational alignment with myself.
7. believe that you are more powerful than you know
It’s all down to you and how you express your energy in a way that is creative and powerful. One of the fastest ways to realign your energy is through the practices of presence and gratitude. There, you enter the quantum field, and everything becomes possible.
8. be discerning
Not everything or everyone is for you. Some people, places and things will uplift and expand you. Others will destroy you. Choose wisely.
Vienda ♥
*Self-regulation is the ability to manage one’s emotions, thoughts, and behaviours effectively in different situations, allowing for more measured responses rather than impulsive reactions.
**Electronic Dance Music
***Accreditation can, however, boost your self-esteem and confidence enough to give you the courage needed to take the steps necessary for creating your life.
There IS more to this world. We exist in a particularly delicate precipice of change and transformation. If you’re here, reading this, you will have felt it. (Why we need each other now more than ever and how the TMT accreditation and assessment process helps you become a confident and responsible mentor.)
What does living a creative and intuitively led life look like? Listen to me share my take on this in this week’s episode of Amy Lea’s ‘Unreasonable’ podcast.
☀ a list of the most excellent, wonderful and important things that I take with me on summer trips incl. the pièce de résistance which is obviously what I am reading this summer.
The Carry-On Bag. If you’ve ever sweated the excruciatingly tight baggage allowance of cheap inter-euro flights then you know how annoying it is to find a bag that is just the right size with plenty of space for all the things. Last year after my favourite leather backpack found its mortal end I had to find something to replace it and I dare venture that I did find the perfect and sacrificially practical replacement. The Borderlite Travel Underseat Cabin Approved Backpack in blue has become my saving grace. The front pocket even fits my notebooks, laptop and pens, so my mobile office is always with me.
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The Sunscreen. When I told a friend of mine that I don’t believe in sunscreen except for at times like when I was getting burned in the shade in Africa she said “You don’t believe in the science about sunscreen?” and I replied hooking my fingers into air quotes when I said the word science “No, I don’t believe in the “science” which is paid for by marketing companies.” Sun = quite literally life. You just have to know how to use it respectfully. I always have a hat with me in case I feel those rays are a bit too strong, and sometimes when I need it, I use physical mineral sunscreen. My favourite is Everybody Loves the Sunshine Zinc Beach Balm. For rushed moments I also have a Sun Bum stick in my bag at all times.
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The Makeup. The beauty of summer is that bronzed skin, glowing eyes and flushed cheeks don’t require any additions. But for a bit more fun I think a slick of mascara or rouge on the lips is all that is needed. I’ve mentioned my favourites in my ‘love list’ here.
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The Headphones. Alongside my boring old original wired headphones that need an adaptor to plug into any new Apple phone, I have my beloved Sennheiser Momentum 2 Wireless Over-Ear Headphones in White. I bought them as a gift to myself years ago and they are still one of my most beloved and cherished purchases. The sound quality is schmick as my DJ friends say and I love that they have noise cancellation. Here’s the more recent version of the Sennheiser Momentum in white.
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The Toothbrush. My electric Oral B is on its last legs and the things that annoy me the most about it are that it requires constant charging and the charging unit is big and bulky. I do love that electric-toothbrush-only squeaky clean feeling though. So when a friend recommended this £10 alternative whose charge lasts a whole 30 days and can be charged in any USB charging unit I had to try it. The sensation, if you’re accustomed to the circular movement of more traditional electric toothbrushes, is weird at first but it does leave my teeth feeling just as, if not more clean, and I have come to love this toothbrush.
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The Deodorant. I will never stop raving about this deodorant because it is both very natural and very effective and I only have to put it on every 4-ish or so days which I love even more and a tube lasts me about a year. It smells like nothing (?) until it starts to wear off and then you smell like you again instead of nothing. Essentially I think it’s the silver in the product that neutralises any smells and I am here for it. I bought a family pack after my first discovery four years ago, gave one tube away to a friend who also can’t stop raving about it now, and I still have two tubes left. I never ever ever want to be without it. The best deodorant.
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The Dress(es). Due to a delicate nervous system, I get decision fatigue easily and so what works for me is packing no more than 5 options. My dresses currently in circulation are all from Rouje, Faihtful The Lable, Auguste The Label and Reformation, all bought pre-loved. I’ve written before about what is inside my closet as well as my ultimate guide for preloved online shopping.
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The Bikinis. As above, all my bikinis are treasures from Hunza G, Rouje, Spell & The Gypsy Collective, and Faithful The Label that I have virtually unearthed from others’ discard piles.
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The Towel. I love a Turkish towel, a light and simple piece of linen to sit on on the beach or by the pool. The one I have now I bought from a street-seller in South Africa so I have no links to that one but maybe when you go on some travels of your own you will find one.
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The Books. Ahhh, the pièce de résistance is obviously what I am reading this summer. My current selection is:
Awareness by Anthony DeMello. I needed to be reminded of the true simplicity of the spiritual path that has been shrouded by so much f’ing noisefrom the performative-neo-spiritual set.
Women by Charles Bukowski. Seeing as my own sex life is indiscriminately lacking right now I was interested in reading about how men view women as sexual objects through the eyes of misogyny so I can learn what men are moving and growing through these days.
It’s just come to my awareness that I haven’t written a ‘favourites’ book line-up since this one from the summer of 2021. Do you think it’s time for an update? Let me know in the comments below.
We’ve swallowed the lie whole. It’s in our bones now.
Our egos have been programmed into the structure.
This relentless pursuit of more. Always more. Your benchmark keeps changing. You never reach the finish line. The wanting never ends.
In this capitalist world that constantly whispers “more, more, more”, standing still and saying “I have enough” feels like a rebellion. A quiet revolution of the soul.
At a party given by a billionaire on Shelter Island, Kurt Vonnegut informs his pal, Joseph Heller, that their host, a hedge fund manager, had made more money in a single day than Heller had earned from his wildly popular novel Catch-22 over its whole history.
Heller responds, “Yes, but I have something he will never have — enough.”
enough kms/steps walked
enough friendships
enough discipline
enough money
enough clothes
enough love
enough joy
enough
There is a certain magic in embracing enough.
It’s the moment you stop struggling against the current and simply float. Suddenly, you realise the river’s been carrying you all along.
As we meet mid-year, I’m learning to trust in the existing abundance.
I’m tuning into the rhythm of sufficiency that beats in every cell of my body. It’s a gentle pulse that says, “You are enough. You have enough. This moment is enough.”
In the soft light of dawn, in the quiet moments between breaths, in the space between thoughts — that’s where I’m finding my enough. It’s not a destination, but a way of being — a lens through which to view the world.
A life of abundance disguised as simplicity. A life of richness measured not in things, but in moments. A life of recognising that the cup isn’t half full or half empty – it’s overflowing, if only we have eyes to see it.
In this noisy world that’s always clamouring for more, let’s be the ones who dare to whisper “enough”. Let’s be the ones who find infinity in a grain of sand, and eternity in a wildflower.
Because when we know we are enough, we have enough, we do enough – that’s when we truly begin to live.
A THOUGHT EXERCISE:
Make a practice of writing your list of enough.
Not could it be 10x better – but does it feel in your heart like enough?
On metamorphosis and menstrual cycles and a magic little trick (a GIFT, for YOU!) to add the phases of your cycle to your calendar and sync to your work and life.
As I woke up on Monday morning I found myself having transformed into a pile of mush. Heart, lungs, eyes, shin bones floating in goo.
I wanted to concurrently crawl out of my skin, hide inside a shell, and for my life just to feel normal, as it does for a few glimpses from time to time.
But that’s not the path I chose. I am not one to cling fondly to the past or go out of my way for things to stay the same. I body slam myself at every chance I get to evolve and then wonder innocently doe-eyed why my self and my life are changing again.
A constant cycle of falling apart and coming together again, of losing my way and walking myself back home. Right alongside 8 billion other people like a knot of snakes shedding their skins over and over again.
The nature of life is to metamorphose repeatedly.
Except that the way humans do it is that we look marginally the same on the outside while turning into an existential puddle of goo on the inside until naturally, our insides restructure themselves and a new version, only slightly distinct but somehow also completely new remarkably walks around in the same body as before.
Some of our internal metamorphoses take years. Sometimes we move from caterpillar to mush to butterfly in just one day. Midwifing ourselves through a process of existing, breaking, and re-creating. An endless cycle of reinvention.
That’s what I woke up to on Monday morning.
Then there are other cycles.
As a woman, I have a monthly cycle where blood pools and then drips from between my legs. It is a metamorphosis of another kind.
In my early twenties, I discovered a love for my monthly cycles. In my early thirties, I understood them.
Desperate, ashamed, and stoic after ending an unwanted pregnancy with an abrupt and painful medical pill I was coerced into getting a copper IUD by my boyfriend and my doctor.
For one and a half years I contended with painful periods, dissociation, spotting at odd times and constant brain fog.
With despair and frustration, I researched and educated myself. Books upon books on women, family planning, menstrual cycles and birth control piled up on my bedside table.
Until one day I had enough and knew enough and went to get it taken out.
The doctor asked me “Are you sure you want it out?” with judgement in her tone.
“Yes. It’s ruining my life.” I replied adamantly.
“What are you planning to use for birth control instead?” Her eyebrows raised.
“I’m going to track my cycle.” I smiled, confident that I knew how, angry that I did not know sooner, furious that this isn’t the first thing a woman is taught.
“I think you should stick to the IUD” she leant back looking at me.
“Do you even know how IUDs work?” I snarked back incredulously.
“Well, they stop the sperm from entering the egg.”
“How do they do that?”
“We don’t know exactly how, we just know that it works.”
I was burning inside.
“We do know how. What happens is that you put a foreign object inside a woman’s most delicate parts that creates an inflammation inside her so great that it stops her from being able to conceive. Why do I know that, and you don’t?”
A nurse was called over who took me to another room and removed the offensive item in minutes.
It still seems to be a taboo topic. Sources of information for books or details online are almost negligible. Like, wow, if women take full ownership over their bodies, all religious and corporate systems will cease to exist, global power structures will shift in some seismic way, and the entire world will collapse.
If the world is that fragile, we have bigger issues at hand.
Two other favourite books were “The Woman Code” and “In The Flo” by Alisa Vitti. Both books are about how to sync your life with your menstrual cycle to optimize your health, wellness, and your career.
Running a woman-centric business as a woman, I was fascinated with the idea that I could structure my work around my inner cycles.
Hungry for ways to sync my tasks with my cycle and energy levels I tried many apps including Flo and Kindara to integrate cycle awareness into managing my life but none of them fit my flow.
I depend on my iCal calendar and my physical Plannher to organise and execute my work, life and days. So, with the help of a friend, I made up a calendar based on the tips of the two books.
It’s customisable, so anyone can use it to sync their life with their menstrual cycle. This adds another layer of awareness to your cycle and helps you create a more balanced and harmonious relationship with your body in conjunction with your work life.
Add the phases of your cycle to your calendar to sync with your work life.
Here is what you do:
Go to your calendar. Create a new calendar by clicking the “+” sign and the “Create calendar” option. Name it something like “My Cycle.”
Open your calendar application. This could be Google Calendar, Apple Calendar, or any other calendar app that supports ICS imports.
iCal/Apple Calendar does it automatically, Google Calendar, like this:
In Google Calendar, click “Settings” at the bottom of the side menu and then click on the “Import & export” tab.
Under “Import,” click “Select the file from your computer” and choose the ICS file you downloaded from this article. Select your new Google Calendar that you named “My cycle” or something similar.
Click “Import” to import the events from the ICS file into your selected calendar.
FINALLY! Modify the first four event details to customize to YOUR OWN CYCLE!
Menstrual information:
Calculate the total of your cycle length and the total of each phase.
2. Change the calendar in sync with your last menstruation date.
3. Modify your cycle length in each event (the calendar standard is 28 days but my cycle length is more like 33 days).
4. Edit each phase duration, and adapt it to your reality (make sure it doesn’t exceed the total length of your cycle)
Enjoy!
Vienda ♥
P.S. An overview pulled from the books I recommended above:
Menstrual Phase
This is a time for rest and renewal. The main recommendations include:
Getting plenty of rest and sleep.
Avoiding intense physical exercise.
Eating nutrient-dense, warm, and comforting foods.
Drinking warm fluids, such as herbal teas, to promote circulation and hydration.
Taking magnesium supplements to reduce cramps and headaches.
Professional recommendations:
Take time off if possible, or schedule light work or activities during this phase.
Use this time to reflect, plan, and set intentions for the upcoming cycle.
Practice self-care activities like taking a relaxing bath or receiving a massage.
Nutrition and shopping list:
Focus on warm, comforting, and nutrient-dense foods such as soups, stews, and bone broth.
Incorporate iron-rich foods such as red meat, poultry, beans, and leafy greens to support blood loss during menstruation.
Shop for ingredients like grass-fed beef, dark leafy greens, lentils, and organic chicken or turkey.
Follicular Phase
This is a time for renewal and creativity. The main recommendations include:
Engaging in moderate physical exercise, such as walking, yoga, or dancing.
Eating light and fresh foods, such as salads and smoothies, to support detoxification.
Increasing intake of omega-3 fatty acids and other nutrients to support hormone production.
Practising creative activities, such as painting, writing, or singing.
Professional recommendations:
Take on new projects or activities that require creativity and innovation.
Network and attend social events to build new connections.
Focus on professional development, such as attending workshops or taking courses.
Nutrition:
Focus on fresh, light, and detoxifying foods such as green salads, smoothies, and juices.
Incorporate foods rich in vitamin B6, such as bananas, nuts, and seeds, to support hormone production.
Shop for ingredients like spinach, kale, avocados, chia seeds, and milk.
Ovulatory Phase
This is a time for connection and expression. The main recommendations include:
Engaging in more vigorous physical exercise, such as running or strength training.
Eating foods that support blood sugar balance, such as complex carbohydrates and proteins.
Practicing self-care and connecting with others.
Taking steps to reduce stress and promote relaxation.
Professional recommendation:
Schedule important meetings or presentations during this phase, as communication skills and confidence are heightened.
Collaborate with others on projects and tasks.
Attend industry events and conferences to build professional connections.
Nutrition and shopping list:
Focus on foods that support blood sugar balance, such as complex carbohydrates and proteins to promote sustained energy.
Incorporate foods rich in omega-3 fatty acids, such as salmon and walnuts, to support hormone production and reduce inflammation.
Shop for ingredients like sweet potatoes, quinoa, salmon, walnuts, and Greek yoghurt.
Luteal Phase
This is a time for reflection and preparation. The main recommendations include:
Engaging in gentle exercises, such as yoga or stretching
Eating foods that support hormonal balance, such as leafy greens, legumes, and healthy fats.
Reducing intake of caffeine, sugar, and alcohol to reduce PMS symptoms.
Practising self-care and stress management techniques.
Professional recommendations:
Prioritize tasks and projects to ensure completion before the next cycle begins.
Use this phase for planning and organization, such as reviewing goals and making action plans.
Practice self-care activities and stress management techniques to reduce PMS symptoms and promote well-being.
Nutrition and Shopping list:
Focus on foods that support hormonal balance, such as leafy greens, legumes, and healthy fats to reduce PMS symptoms.
Incorporate foods rich in magnesium, such as dark chocolate, nuts, and seeds, to reduce cramps and headaches.
Shop for ingredients like broccoli, chickpeas, pumpkin seeds, dark chocolate, and coconut oil.
A life-long lesson on detachment as taught to me by an Indian guru when I was 12 years old and the story of my very first own grown-up friend.
When I was 11 my mum dragged me to one of her ‘new age’ events.
“New Age” was a movement that started in the late 1980s characterised by an emphasis on the holistic view of body and mind, alternative (or complementary) medicines, personal growth therapies, and a loose mix of theosophy, ecology, oriental mysticism, and a belief in the dawning of an astrological age of peace and harmony. Idk what we call that now but in my bubble it’s “mainstream”.
From my childish memory, I can’t remember if she was at a weekend workshop to learn how to play gongs, if it was about Buddhism or neurolinguistic programming but what I do remember was that the lady who was hosting the event had a beautiful garden with fragrant Jasmine abundantly throwing itself off balconies and big purple flowers attached to vibrant green tendrils cascading onto the lawn.
I remember a young woman french-braiding my hair during breaks and adorning each cross-section with tiny white Jasmin stars. I remember an elderly man who took a particular interest in me and in those two days taught me how to read palms after he read mine.
He told me that I would never break a bone, run out of money, or lack in lovers. He was right.
I lapped up the attention. Like all children I craved to be seen, heard, witnessed, and acknowledged but presence and attention were not something readily available in my household.
Sometimes I try to remember why but all I remember was that my single mum was always too busy, too harried, and too stressed to notice me for long. Now I recognise that she was likely suffering from anxiety, amongst other things.
So when this man came along — an adult who had time for me, who was interested in me, and wanted to talk to me about the world, and the future and the possibilities of life — I was enchanted.
He was old, with white hair and deep lines that crinkled deeper when he smiled and introduced himself as Donald Ingram Smith. I used his full name every time I spoke of or to him from that day on.
He was my very first own grown-up friend.
In a past life, Donald told me, he was a famous reporter and travelled the world. Then, he became the ghostwriter, autobiographer and close associate of one of the world’s most recognised gurus, Krishnamurti.
My mother allowed the friendship. She was charmed by his outward-facing success with dozens of book titles penned under his name and thought he would be a good influence for me.
One day when I was 12 he invited me to go to a 7-day “new age” festival with him. Krishnamurti would be giving a talk and he thought I might like to listen to him speak. I gleefully begged my mum to go until she agreed.
In my childish memory, I don’t remember much of the talk.
I remember that the festival seemed huge with thousands of people everywhere. I remember the woman vomiting in the toilet, eyes bulging out of her head and croaking “What are you looking at?” as she caught my innocent stare. I remember sleeping in a tent by myself next to Donald’s tent and going to the Hare Krishna’s for most of our meals where food piled high, a four-course meal, on every plate. I remember meeting a boy a year older than me who took me to the circus tent, told me he liked me and planted a kiss on my astonished mouth. I remember being left to my own devices for much of the time and going to every dancing workshop that I could find while Donald went and did his grown-up things.
On the last day of the festival when Krishnamurti gave his talk hundreds of people gathered under an enormous marquee and sat on the grass on top of sarongs and shawls everyone brought along. Donald Ingram Smith sat to my right and made sure I could see as Krishnamurti giggled and joked with his audience from where he sat cross-legged wrapped in a lungi on the stage.
“Do you want to know my secret?” he asked.
This is the only part of that talk I remember and have held close for all of my life.
“I don’t care.”
“I’ve no problem because I don’t mind what happens… I don’t mind if I fail or succeed, I don’t mind if I have money or not money… I have no problem because I don’t demand anything from anybody, or life. I wonder if you understand this…”
“I don’t mind what happens.”
“That is the essence of inner freedom. It is a timeless spiritual truth: release attachment to outcomes, and — deep inside yourself — you’ll feel good no matter what.”
I left that festival with a seed planted deep inside my mind.
Donald Ingram Smith remained my friend.
As I entered a more tumultuous teenage phase I lost touch with him which I recovered in my late teens. A friendship that became mostly forged in short phone calls where I updated him on my immature choices and life views and he offered generous guidance and hearty laughter on the other end of the line, as his ageing body became frail.
When I was 19 I received a phone call stating that he was dying.
I called him one last time and he told me of his graceful exit plan.
He told me that he was ready to go and that he was grateful for his long and rich life and the short years he was able to share with me. He told me to keep reading and to keep learning and to choose always love. Finally, he told me to trust my life. That it was going to take me exactly where needed to go. And that he loved me.
Weeks later I heard that he stopped eating and drinking in the final days before his death, as he told me would, to encourage his body with a rapid and clean journey out of this life, and his spirit the agency to pass into its next carnation.
To mourn him is to celebrate the self-belief he awoke in me, the only tender love that I knew from a man at that time and the seeds he planted in a young girl that has grown into a forest of resilience, wisdom, and compassion, shaping the very essence of who I am today, an eternal testament to the mark he left on me.
“Your conclusion that there isn’t enough of something—whether it is enough land, or money, or clarity—stems from you learning, without meaning to, a vibration that holds you apart from what you want.” — Abraham Hicks
A few years ago I had a boyfriend who was the most frugal, ungenerous man I have ever met. He would always choose the cheapest options in the supermarket, suggest low-to-no-budget dates and if we did go to dinner he would meticulously calculate the total and then split it with me. Generally, he hesitated to offer any gesture that might cost him financially.
He was so cheap that everything we did felt small, suffocating and limited.
During the four years of our relationship, our financial situations shifted. I met him in the second year of my business when I was barely making enough to get by but by the end of the four years, I outearned him by almost double.
The difference between him and I was that I did the work.
her wealth — the live 5-week women’s money training — is starting soon. enrollments close on Sunday, February 25th. learn more and join here.
He had a ‘lack’ mentality. So he scrimped and calculated and pinched.
I was familiar with this type of thinking. I also had been brought up to believe that there is never enough. But I didn’t like the way it made me feel.
I wanted to feel expansive. Abundant. Free.
I wanted to feel like money was never going to stop me from living a good life.
The difference between having a lack mentality and an abundance mentality?
Perception.
Resulting in your life experience.
Perception is our belief in what is true.
Our experiences are the tangible results of what we believe.
Often, I hear or read conversations based on beliefs that there is not enough in the world:
“There aren’t enough good jobs to go around.”
“We are running out of natural resources. Water, oil…”
“There’s not enough money for everyone to be wealthy.”
“There isn’t enough food to feed all the people on the planet.”
“The economy is on a constant downturn. No one can thrive with this.”
After years (and years and years) of studying human behaviour and psychology, I’ve come to understand one straightforward concept: whatever we believe, is true for us. Our beliefs dictate the experience we have of the world.
Here’s another perspective:
It’s estimated that we have over 8 billion people in the world. As a small example, the world military expenditure is estimated at over 1,700 billion USD, to give you a tiny idea proportionally on how much money there is in the world. So yeah: There is more than enough money for everyone in the world. Our beautiful lesson to learn here is how to get into that stream of delightful money, by looking at our beliefs and deciding to change them.
We all have different interests and passions. Some people love to write. Some people love to invent. Some people love to sing, to build, and some people love math. One person’s menial job is another person’s dream. This is not true for 100% of jobs, sure; but with eight billion very different people living on this planet, you’d be surprised at what different people enjoy, and consider a good job.
We can all thrive, despite whatever the economy is supposedly doing. Some of the biggest, most successful brands and businesses came from a time when they were challenged. It’s those limitations that add fuel to genius and result in incredible success.
Hunger is caused by poverty and inequality, not scarcity. For the past two decades, global food production has increased faster than the global population growth rate. The world already produces more than 1½ times enough food to feed everyone on the planet. That’s enough to feed 10 billion people, the population peak we expect by 2050.
Or as Prof. Steve Horwitz says “There are economic reasons why we will never run out of many resources. In a free market system, prices signal scarcity. So as a resource becomes more scarce, it becomes more expensive, which incentivizes people to use less of it and develop new alternatives, or to find new reserves of that resource that were previously unknown or unprofitable. We have seen throughout history that the human mind’s ability to innovate, coupled with a free market economic system, is an unlimited resource that can overcome the limitations we perceive with natural resources.”
Let’s circle back to my ex-boyfriend. He was a middle-class man, with a helicopter licence and a passion for law enforcement and access to endless opportunities. But he had a deeply ingrained lack belief that stemmed from his childhood upbringing and father’s role modelling.
Although he could easily make more money than the average person, he still felt that he never had enough money to afford even the simplest of things.
The more lack he felt, the more life affirmed his belief that there was not enough money.
There’s a psychological term for this exact thing.
It’s called our reticular activating system.
It acts as the library of our belief system. These beliefs affect our perception of thoughts. Then our perceptions control how we feel about one subject. Or another.
His reticular activating system caused him to seek out experiences that support his belief that there isn’t enough.
And so suddenly he would be hit with a huge unexpected bill. Or make a critical decision in an investment, losing large sums of money. Or his well-paying job became redundant.
Because this is how the reticular activating system works.
This doesn’t only apply to finances. It applies to every area of life: Relationships, health, happiness. Everything you experience in life is affected by what you believe is true. (Your reticular activating system.) Your beliefs create your perceptions, and vice versa.
When you believe that there is not enough of what you want there won’t be. Because you can’t ask for something that you don’t believe exists, is possible, or is true for you.
You have to change the integral belief first, and foremost, and then start calling in what you want.
How?
It’s easy.
Start looking for and seeking out evidence to support the belief that you want. Find research that supports the sentiment there is more than enough…money, jobs, natural resources, etc.
In this way, you can break your lack mentality by choosing a new perception, a new stream of thoughts on any topic.
This is called reframing in psychology. it works the same way. When you start to believe something new, your reticular activating system starts to take effect and produce those beliefs as tangible, practical results and experiences in life.
I’d love to help you re-write the economic rules you have set for yourself.
It’s 100% up to you what you choose to believe. You get to design your life any way you want. If you want to believe in lack. Do it! May you have a powerful, positive change in the world through your beliefs. If you want to believe in abundance. Awesome! And may you have a fulfilling and enchanting positive impact on the world through your beliefs.
