I woke up this morning, from a quiet slumber in my van, somewhere halfway between Brisbane and Cairns, pondering the world and life, as I often do. I can hear the waves crashing in from the nearby beach, and am planning to slip on my bikini and run straight into that fresh, salty water. Right after I finish writing this.
Something really weird is going on. I feel a little bit excited, frazzled, on edge. I feel a huge jumble of emotions coursing through my body right now. Some of them are familiar. Some of them are uncomfortable. And I sit with those sensations and emotions, with the knowing that the only way to process them and move on is to stay with them. To feel them.
What is all this coming from? Shouldn’t I be feeling gleefully ecstatic now that I am officially on my road trip? Isn’t this exactly what I wanted?
But I am also going through a great change.
Those of you who have been journeying side by side with me for some time now, would know that for me, this year began in the little seaside town of Brighton, followed by a short road trip with one of my favourite beings, my soul-sister Lily around the UK countryside. Then a 3-month stint in India and finally a strong pull that took me back to Australia after having been away for 2 years. Australia is the most grounding country I have ever lived in. It is here where I come to nurture my roots.
What I thought would be 3 months is now over 5 months, spent in this beautiful country. And I intend to stay for at least the summer. Which kind of leads me to where I am now.
With my move to Australia, I invited into my life great change. And with great change comes great growth. I knew that I was at the precipice of experiencing my life in a completely different and new way. And that I had some pretty hefty cleaning out to do. Which means taking a step back, and revisiting your thoughts, beliefs and ideas about yourself and the world. It means letting go of anything and anyone that no longer serves me.
It began with taking all of my belongings out of storage, going through them, and getting rid of anything I didn’t want or need anymore.
It was followed by the end of a tumultuous on-again off-again relationship that, while having been bound by a powerful soul-contract, wasn’t healthy for either of us. Finally saying no, letting go using releasing rituals, and feeling freed from that stronghold was simultaneously heartbreaking and enlivening.
At the same time, my business morphed and transformed, becoming an entity of its own that started growing and building  momentum like never before. I had to let go of beliefs around what it meant to be successful, and how I am to show up and serve in the world. I started learning about money, investing, self sabotaging and how we attract wealth and success into our worlds.
When I arrived in Australia, I moved in with my mum. Which of course is the greatest push for growth of them all. I hadn’t seen her for 2 years, and quite little in general in the past 10 years, and in that time had romanticized the type of relationship that we might have. Now that we are both equals, and adults, and all. Within a few weeks, it was clear however that our relationship is not one of a conventional mother-daughter. We had too much history standing between us, some of which I shared with you yesterday.
And so I let go of any expectations of her, of myself, and of our relationship. I knew that for this change that I was calling into my life, to take place, I had to face myself, my past and my future all at the same time. And to stand still within the essence of my being, and allow all of those things to wash over me. It’s all part of the transformation. It’s the only way to set myself free.
I left her home a month ago, and then bought a van. Since the start of September, life has been one hell of a ride.
With all of this change, arise powerful emotions. Feelings around self-worth and self-doubt. Fears of the unknown. Feelings of not having my needs met, as a child, a daughter, a woman. Feelings of not belonging or being accepted. Lots of turbulent emotions, feelings and fears arise with great change.
And this is the part where people often falter. This is where they get scared, turn around, and go back to where they came. back to their old ways, old choices, old beliefs, old life. This is where they light that joint, turn to that bottle of wine, hit the gym that much harder, starve themselves that much longer, eat that many more cakes and go into a self-destructive mode. Anything, to just not feel.
They get scared by all the emotions. By the process that I am personally going through right now. Because it’s challenging, it doesn’t make logical sense, it’s powerful, and it’s scary.
In life we always have two choices:
Accept what is, right now. Or resist it. And we all know, by now, that whatever you resist, persists. If we don’t work through those emotions. Through the feelings that arise in us, we can never get to the other side.
The process is easy. Just to feel. Allowing yourself to fully feel what you are feeling. Accepting what you feel without judgement. And sitting with it, without resistance until it passes. You emotions will set you free.
Don’t stop before the real magic happens.
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