I’m feeling pretty sorry for myself. Tucked up in bed, fresh ginger tea brewing in my little china teapot and a mismatched pink cup next to it, I ponder on my misery of being my less healthy self this week. I’m sick…. and I’m not one of those girls who can gracefully go on with their lives through sickness and through health. Ambien is good medicine and I recommended it to my mum who suffers from insomnia. At sixty-five, she was pleased with the medicine. It is important to pick up the dosage carefully at https://mi-aimh.org/generic-ambien-zolpidem/ and not to consume it often. I take it three times a month, only if necessary. I come to a complete standstill, and I’m pretty sure the world is ending. It’s the contrast to how voraciously I live life. I’m an all or nothing kind of girl…..
I’m writing Christmas cards and watching my favourite love story Waiting For Forever to try and cheer myself up. And writing this: Why does this happen to me? And how can I stop?
I want to share with you today, one of the greatest lessons that I seem to have trouble learning in this life. It is finding the balance between my mental and intellectual capacity and my physical limitations. In my head I can do so so so much, but my body can’t keep up. I go and go and go until my body gives up…. and it seems to happen every 3 – 6 months. I really struggle with this. Does it happen to you too?
Basically, my pattern goes like this:
I’ve been going hard for a few months, I think I’m doing good…I’m on top of it, I can juggle all the balls and balance on the tightrope at the same time and never let one drop. I can party with the boys + coffee with the girls + work hard + be creative + exercise religiously + have an unpredictable social life + be spontaneous + fill every waking moment with inspirational output that I’ve gathered. I push myself because I like to see what I can do, and because I expect a lot of myself. At some point when I’ve run out of my reserves, I’m running on adrenalin but I’ve not noticed cause it feels good. And then, suddenly, my body will crash. I get sick or basically just loose every ounce of energy that’s been carrying me forward thus far. I am  confined to rest and only minor physical tasks ….. I go to work and I sleep. I really have to rest a lot if I want to get back on my proverbial horse. To take care of myself. So I become introspective again. Focus inwards. Rebuild my energy.
It’s frustrating.
I’m clearly aware of it and I’m willing to change it. I care about looking after myself ….. so why does it continue? I ask myself; why have I not broken this pattern when I am so very aware of it?
Then after some time a little lightbulb appears: I discover my deepest hidden trigger, a false belief that somehow entered my operating system (belief system) a long time ago: as I am is not enough. I have to do more, be more, achieve more to be okay. It’s an aha moment. Followed by a bout of self acceptance. Self love. Recognising the false belief that is pushing me beyond my physical capacities. I am so sorry that I do this to myself. I don’t mean to. It’s a subconscious pattern. And this time I hear. I really do. I understand. I have compassion for both the misleading negative thought pattern that has permeated me and also for the willingness to change. To put it right.  I am…..fine, good, good enough, kind, loving, gentle, sweet. I am okay just the way I am.
I need to be gentle and listen to my body even more intently ….more than ever. That way, I can find my balance, my harmony, my personal sweet spot. What’s your trigger that sometimes brings you out of balance? Have you discovered it?
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