On the new moon in Gemini on Monday the 30th of May, after a long interlude, I resolved I was ready to open myself up to love again. I went on 4 dates across 4 weeks.
I stopped writing about dating.
There’s a fine line between vulnerably sharing my heart and world with you, and carefully nurturing and protecting the beginnings of a delicate new connection.
A mistake I have made and learned from is recklessly revealing too much too soon and hurting both the other person and myself in the process.
After that first night, we meet several times more. At different beaches, at a festival, at cafes in town. Each time carefully peeling away at each other’s layers. There’s no risk greater than that of opening up your heart to another.
Navigating and negotiating one another’s communication styles and expectations haven’t been entirely smooth and easy. Yet we both bring a willingness to listen and adjust.
He echoes my fragility and vulnerability and strength. I’ve never experienced that in another before.
On Saturday he comes to my apartment for the first time. He arrives feeling tense and stressed. He seems to have a habit of taking on too much, trying to be everything for everyone.
We sit on my living room floor under the fan hiding from the hot Spanish sun. He rests his head on my knee and I stroke his back while he tells me about the things he’s trying to handle and how he’s feeling and I tell him about my recent trip away.
We both go quiet for a while, a comfortable silence falls between us.
He sits up and pulls me close for a hug. I feel myself melt into him and my body fully relax. “It’s amazing what a hug can do,” he says and finds my lips with his. I shift my body closer and we kiss for a while until he pulls me up onto his lap, my long legs lazily tucked on either side of him.
Heart to heart. Face to face. We continue to kiss and gently rock together. He begins to open up, quietly, gently.
“You said I was shy”…
“I meant the way you communicate with me“
“I am a shy man”
“That’s sweet” I smile. “I thought that maybe you found me very scary”.
“Not at all” he laughs. “I’m in a place in my life where I need to take things slow”.
“Ok,” I softly reply. “I appreciate that. I think it’s what I need. It makes me feel safe”.
“It’s more than just a physical thing. It’s more than just sex.”
“Ok”
“I think this could work.”
I nod. I’ve felt it from the first moment.
“Should we try”
“I’d like that”
“But we’ll go slow”
“I’d like that even more”
“I don’t usually do this you know” he gestures at the air between us.
“Me neither. It happens very rarely” I respond. “But I picked you out that day.”
“Was it my singing”? he grins.
“You’re singing was alright” I tease rolling my eyes. He acts offended.
“It was the way you felt” I continue.
He nods.
We kiss some more and say goodbye.
This connection feels very sweet and tender. A deeper knowing and understanding hangs between us. And while it gently unfolds I will no longer be writing about it. Until it feels like it’s the right time.