despite my attempts. 3 times, I tried. Here are those (hilarious) stories… and also why I choose to be intimate with men in a very intentional way.
When I was 29 I exited a long-term relationship with a very sweet man. Staying would have meant me settling, a sentiment that is unacceptable to me. Throughout the relationship, the sex was awful. He just… I won’t go into details but it was unsatisfying, to say the least.
I was young, free and sexy and yearned for a sexual revolution to make up for four years of truly subordinate sex. What could be more experimental and liberating than a few innocent one-night stands?
The first I met at a friend’s house party. He was the cousin of her housemate, a c list celebrity footballer (soccer) with a kind face and a hot body. The perfect candidate. As I left the party he asked for my number and asked me out on a date a few days later.
The date started at lunch and extended into dinner then clubbing then my tiny studio apartment. He laid back on my bed as I slowly began to undress for him. By the time I made it down to my lacy panties, I’d straddled him, kissing, peeling his shirt off his back to reveal the body of an athlete.
Minutes later he was sitting on the edge of the bed with his face in his hands. I don’t really know what happened but… he turned away from me with shame, and then ended up curling up on the bed with his back to me and falling asleep.
I assume that for whatever reason, maybe he was overwhelmed or shy or felt insecure… he couldn’t get hard. He didn’t have the emotional maturity to handle that situation with much grace and it was an awkward goodbye in the morning. He still watches all my stories like a hawk 12 years later.
The second was a friend of mine. A very tall handsome Belgian man. We had a very sincere and comedic conversation beforehand explicitly agreeing that we were attracted to one another and both just wanted sexual satisfaction and would remain friends afterwards. It was pragmatic and sweet.
As he stood naked before me when the time came I gasped and recoiled. The size of his penis was… immeasurably enormous. It was the girth and length of one of my forearms. The thickest part of my forearm. I… I would have been like a pig on a spit skewered onto that thing. I was so terrified we didn’t even try. He was very cute about it and we cuddled while we slept instead.
Life continued as normal.
Months later I met and started seeing someone else who initiated my sexual revolution. The sex was so good nothing has quite measured up to it since. Even though I’ve enjoyed some pretty mind-blowing sex since.
Our sexual connection brought a level of presence, bodily awareness and liberal experimentation into my life that blew open every cell in my body and changed me forever. We once subtly had sex against the hood of a car in a queue to get into a festival with thousands of people around us. He had a way of arousing parts of me that transcended the physical and even went beyond the psychological and emotional realm.
It was then that I understood that sex is so much more than the surface-level rubbing up against each other that most people seem to be satisfied with. When done right, with full surrender and presence and devotion, it opens a realm untouchable by the day-to-day human experience.
The romantic entanglement didn’t last, our lifestyles didn’t match each other, but we remain close friends to this day. My desire for trying to have a one-night stand evaporated. I discovered how much more satisfying a real, deep and meaningful connection is. Why would I want anything less?
A few years later I was working at a festival in Costa Rica. I met this man on the first day, totally my type. Spiritual, blonde, surfer-dude, man-bun and all. We had instant chemistry and flirted throughout the festival sharing a few kisses and cuddles here and there. After the festival ended our paths parted. He returned to California, I continued my quest to southern parts of Central America. We casually stayed in touch.
3 months later I moved to San Francisco for a change of scenery and because a friend of mine had asked me to dog-sit for him while he was in New York on an important legal case.
Blonde man-bun got in touch and asked if we could meet up. He was coming to town to drive a friend to the airport in San Francisco. We met up at Mission Park and sat on the grass making out. Fully dressed, no other parts of our bodies touching aside from our lips at some point a bizarre whimper erupts from his throat. He follows it by pulling away with a look of humiliation and saying “You’re just so pretty.” I am confused. We both look down at his crotch and a recognition spreads across my mind. He’d just come. I giggle. Whatever, it’s no big deal. But he gets up awkwardly, walks to his truck, and drives away. I never see him again.
I began to wonder if there was a reason that my attempts of casual sex were always intercepted. After telling her those three stories a friend recently gave me quantum healing on this topic just to make sure there weren’t any weird subterranean blocks in the way.
The more intimate my relationship with myself, and in tune with my inner being I am the more I recognise that I am incredibly sensitive and these kismet hijacks of potential sexual interactions were protection.
Something that I have felt and witnessed within myself, that no one seems to speak openly about, is the imprinting we receive from the men we are intimate with.
When a man leaves his seed inside a woman he leaves parts of him — his DNA, his trauma, his healing — inside of you. He imprints his entire being and his nervous system into your body and being and you start to experience life through a filter that is yours intermingled with his.
I know because, after each relationship, I often spend months clearing emotional and nervous system dysregulation that isn’t mine, but belonged to him. Yet it is inside my body requiring attention and emptying.
The guy who had anxiety? I took on his anxiety and then had to clear it through my own body. The guy who had deep subconscious fears about being abandoned? I felt those fears as if they were my own and had to work through them.
Our vagina and womb are deep receptacles. Through making love our hearts create bonds of feeling and attachment.
I have an exceptionally feminine and receptive system so I feel all of this more intensely.
Some women are more naturally impenetrable and resilient than others but many are feigning this, later on, finding how deeply impacted they have been by their engagements.
Knowing this, I have become very discerning with whom I welcome inside me. I know that the connections that are made through sexual intimacy impact me physically, emotionally & spiritually.
I have to feel safe that the person from whom I am receiving transmissions and imprinting is going to leave me with more gifts than losses. I need to walk away from all of my intimate allyships feeling like I have been cared for, loved and respected through to my bones.
There’s a beauty in this.
To choose who you want to be woven with.
To know the power of sex.