Sometimes life throws us a curve ball, clarity escapes our mental space and all we experience is a subjective dark tunnel of convolution. It’s at these times that I often have readers and friends reach out to me, in an effort to cure themselves from the depths of their perceived abyss. Since we all go through this, today I am sharing one of those emails with you, with permission of course from its writer. At the end of this email, I’d like you to answer with the wise-owl sage advice that you would give the person in this situation, either in the comments section below or on Facebook.
I really need some help at this time, I am having the biggest blockage I have ever had in my life. I will just quickly let you know whats going on. I am also a traveller like you, I have lived in London and the USA and I am originally from Australia and am currently living in the USA. I am in love with a great guy who treats me so well and we get along like a house on fire.
I moved from New York to the south to be with him and I cannot stand it here. The country life is not for me, before I moved here I was in New York working, had my own place, had money coming in now I’ve come here and its been a year; I have not been able to find work and I don’t have a car or license to get around…..im pretty much immobilised here……also my visa has run out. Now my bf wants to move to new york but he doesnt have the money right now, his dad has also offered to pay for the visa fee for me to get my green card but I’m worried that if me and my bf marry, I will be obliged to stay in the south. I’m a city girl i need to be in the city and i miss it so much……..so my bf is trying to get money together to move to new york but I’m getting such itchy feet to get my life back on track and get back to the city that I dont know if I can wait.
I’ve never waited around for a man or relied on anyone else and I feel so frustrated and depressed that I’m this situation. I also want to apply for the airlines in the middle east – Etihad and Emirates and I can’t do that here. I’m reaching 28 soon so I feel that my time is more important now than ever. The airlines like hiring women in their 20s, and though I might not even get the job, it is my dream to travel the world and to get this job. I’ve been thinking about going back to London so I can apply for the airlines and live back in the city again like a normal person as I have a euro passport and I have rights there.
I don’t want to leave my bf behind though, thats my fear. He is the best thing that’s ever happened to me but it feels like I either have him or don’t have a life. I just have a fear of leaving him and then I have a fear or marrying him and being stuck here in the south. I would like to go to New York again but i just dont see it happening anytime soon…..im so stuck……..also once i leave the usa i will be banned for a while…….what would u do if u were me Vienda? Any advice you can give me?
The reason why I asked you is cause I’ve noticed you have been in relationships and you have walked away so fearlessly just ’cause you were doing what you thought was right for you. You are truly an inspiration to me Vienda. So if you were me you would try and make the relationship work rather than just walking away? Walking away and going to London seems the easiest in my head but not in my heart. I also havent seen my family in years cause I’ve been stuck here.
I’m just so fearful right now and this isnt like me. Ive always been such a fearless person. I’m just scared: what if I go to London and I don’t get my air hostess job and regret going there and im like i miss my bf? But on the other hand if I stay here and dont live out my dreams I will resent him in the end. So tough! My bf doesn’t want me to go obviously but he knows how much I want this air hostess dream so he wants me to try for it. Long distance relationships dont usually work, cause I know he will probably meet other women etc and I dont feel comfortable getting back with him after that. Have you been in a long distance before? Did it work? I just so want this to be over with!
My response:
I really feel for you and understand your dilemma. It’s difficult making a choice like that. Does your man feel comfortable with you moving away for some time and making it on your own? Can you have a long distance relationship?
It’s super important that you follow your own dreams and desires because otherwise you will just end up resenting your guy for not letting you live your life.
You must come up with a solution and compromise where your needs are met as well as being able to maintain the relationship. Perhaps you could go to NY now, and he can follow you when he’s ready? Is there any way you can apply for the visa without getting married? I have a friend who lives in San Francisco who is an immigration lawyer. He may be ale to help if you can show some kind of reason why you should become a resident.
I really recommend you take some time out for yourself. Go for a long walk alone and tune in to your heart and soul. Let them guide you and tell you what you need to do. The wisdom and answer is within you already. You just need to allow yourself to hear it.
I agree, long distance doesn’t work. I walked away from my relationship, despite being head over heels in love, because it was the right thing for me to do. I had to do it for me. I was going to loose myself and my life if I hadn’t walked away and the most important relationship in my life is with myself.
I can’t tell you what to do because I am not in your relationship. I don’t know what your values are and how important this man is to you. I believe in not having attachment. Love is free. Love is beautiful but not something stagnant that you have to hold onto. If things are not flowing, then there is a reason why.
You don’t need to make any rash decisions right now. It sounds like you really need to go visit your family since ou haven’t seen them for so long. Why don’t you take some time out and away from your love to get clear within yourself what is important? What is he willing to do to make things work? Do you love him or are you dependent on him? Ask yourself what your truth is and what you’re actually holding on to.
Life is like this, sometimes we have to make really tough decisions and it sucks, but it makes you a better, brighter and more well-rounded person in the long run.
I don’t feel London is calling you. I feel that you should go see your family and then make a go of things in NY if that is a possibility. Keep following you heart sweet girl. Be still and listen. Not to the noise but to the part of you that is calm and soft. It will guide you. I promise!
