I firmly believe that outsourcing your health and wellness to a body outside of you, especially one that is rooted in capitalist structures like the State and governments is literal insanity. I have no idea when this happened, that human beings stopped taking responsibility for their own bodies and handed them over to corporations. But I think if there’s one thing that everyone should have taken away from the past year is that the most valuable thing you own is the health of your own body, mind and soul.
Life has felt stagnant in unfamiliar ways though so much is happening in the undercurrents, so I keep remembering that one wise soul who told me that contraction always precedes expansion. I don’t recognise myself anymore, the past year had me swaying in the chaos of discomfort but there are glimpses here in my own personal dark magic with uncertain endings, of a new version of me that is to slip out when she is ready.
Seasonally, I tend to do a cleanse of some kind to alleviate the sense of disillusionment I feel with the world at times and expedite the rush and flow of life to move through my body which tends to contact during periods of growth and change.
Around the corner from my flat is a tiny garage-turned-juice-bar that fulfils all my nature’s nourishment fantasies. YouJuice is run by the delightfully enigmatic Anita who customised the most perfect 6 days of juices cleanse and 2 days of raw food program for me.
I woke up this morning feeling slightly euphoric, overnight something had released and there wasn’t this grasping for something outside of me or outside of my control. I can’t seem to work. I have no motivation or presence or space for it. I hope the inspiration returns as I do love the creativity of it. Apart from completing the most pressing and immediate tasks, my body is asking me to rest but I am inspired by the simplified, pared-down way of running my business lately. It’s something that I want to expand into as I move forward. The juices are crazy delicious and the beetroot kvas is very effective. I’m on the toilet within the hour! My favourite is the warm coconut turmeric mylk at the end of the day, it’s so soothing.
I have had a broad headache from about noon until the evening when the kvas came into effect and I went to the toilet. Because this cleanse includes so much juice, about 4L per day, I am never hungry. I feel unmotivated and tired and frustrated by the looping self-destructive fear that “I’m not doing enough” which keeps rising in my conscious mind. Again, I find myself here peeling away layers of this deep-seated conditioning that questions my worth. I have given myself the gift of deleting all my social media apps in an effort to be more present with this journey and adapt my relationship with my phone. I notice I reach for it when I am sad and lonely when in fact what I year for is community and partnership. Perhaps this restfulness is precisely what I need despite my mind’s resistance.
I slept 10 hours last night. Like a baby. When I wake up I feel content and at peace. I miss travelling. I feel like wrapping things up here and selling everything I don’t need and living on the road again. I miss the fluidity and the simplicity of life where nothing matters except moment-to-moment interactions and finding a place to sleep at night. I’ve had a little bit of a headache again today, not as strong as yesterday, but more negative and anxious thoughts. Instead, the dangly bit at the back of my throat feels swollen, a sure sign that something there is healing. And I’ve had a spontaneous bowel movement with black tar-like matter showing me that deep detoxification is happening.
I’ve come to realise that when I don’t feel good in my body it’s largely due to inflammation, definitely: wheat and maybe; eggs and plant milk too; and more than a little dairy, those 4 will do it to me. Today is the strongest day so far. I’ve had a really strong headache for most of the day especially down the left side and my left eye. Yesterday it was all around the back of my throat but today my brain hurts. I feel toxins literally being drawn out and dumped into my circulatory system to eliminate and keep having to go to the toilet. I find myself googling flights to faraway places as a coping mechanism. I’m bored and feel trapped and stagnant and am so ready to see some signs for what’s next for me.
The one thing I am most impressed and grateful for is how much I am eliminating. Every day, several times per day. There’s some truly old, stinky stuff being released. Today is my last day on juices and tomorrow I get to taste the raw food that was delivered this afternoon.
I had one of the smoothies for breakfast yesterday and omg, despite all the juices being so delicious, I do really love food. I was high for the next 5 hours from all that deliciousness. I’ve made some really big, personal lofe decisions across the past week while immersed in my cleanse. I feel so much relief in my body from these new conclusions. My brain is reconceptualising my life for me but realising that it needs to get out of the way.
In the week and a half since my cleanse so much has shifted for me within and without. I’ve recommitted to nourishing my body in a way so that it hums as nature intended. I choose vitality and aliveness with more raw, hydrating, and luscious fruits and vegetables simply because it feels so much better. I choose to worship my body as the only real home I have in this world which means not using her as a dumping ground for emotions that are inconvenient to feel at the moment they arise knowing that my body is the only real tool I have for pleasure, enjoyment and expression.
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