my kind of future
When I was a little girl I used to dream about my future. In my child’s imaginative eye, I would live in a dome-shaped house made of recycled coloured glass and everything in my world would be a prism of rainbows. I would fall in love with a tall, dark and handsome man who always had stubble on his face and smelt like wax and honey. My hair would be long and shiny and I’d spend all day doing art: writing, drawing, making, planting. And eating delicious things. That was the extent of the future I imagined for myself. I was simple, and in my eyes, fulfilling.
Meanwhile, it’s September 2018, Virgo-season and Saturn turning direct means I am sorting out my life. Again. I’ve never been so turned on by being organised ever before in my entire life. Ever. As I reflect it looks nothing like I thought it would. My life has so much more depth and breadth and richness than I ever imagined possible. The shades of emotions and experiences that I have had go far beyond rainbow. And the simplicity has been replaced with beautiful, confusing, paradoxical complexity.
I’d like to note here that I don’t mean complicated. It’s all very uncomplicated when we stop letting our egos fill our heads with banal chatter. But life is an intelligent, complex thing that our minds can scarcely comprehend. I feel that this is the point. That we need to know our human limitations and stop trying to hold the entire multi-dimensionality of our world and species as a whole in our minds. We need to be aware of the macro of life, yes, but concurrently zoom in and focus on the micro, where the day-to-day living happens. Otherwise, it all becomes too overwhelming and our poor fragile central nervous systems start to break down with anxiety at our inability to make sense of it all. 
What has become the vanguard of my life is unravelling how I create a life and a lifestyle that is most aligned with my authentic self. Who I am at my essence. I am here to unpack these bones of mine and get creative with how I puzzle it all together. In very pragmatic terms it means I’ve had to ask some of the hard questions around the foundational aspects of my life: lifestyle, work, a home, money, relationships.
Here’s what I’ve discovered, so far.
‘Lifestyle’ is the closest word I can find to explain the manner of living I am creating. It means bringing all my values: freedom, love, beauty, creativity; beliefs: the human experience is a sensational one, the only thing that matters is the present moment and at the same time we have to (paradoxically) ‘tie our camels‘ and prepare for the future; and experiences: the depth and breadth of which require an entire book, into a neat parcel and create a vision of how I want to live my life from it. What that looks like right now is being bi-continental across the year, working for myself, and defining how I do things as I move forward. Essentially my lifestyle consists of treading on the tightrope of both ultimately surrendering to the mystery of life whilst also having a flexible plan, clear objectives and purposeful intentions.
My work must be an extension of myself in order for it to be meaningful to me. People laugh when I tell them I am a terrible employee. It’s not a joke. I find it near impossible to fully invest myself in other people’s projects and ideas, as I’d much rather invest in my own. When I see something clever, or beautiful, or inspiring, I don’t think “Oh, I want that!” I think “Oh, wow, I could create something like this!” My work in this world is not just something that I do and then walk away from. It is pieces of my soul spun into things that become a contribution to our world. Fortunately and unfortunately (see, one of those paradoxes again) I’ve chosen to give this extension of myself the added pressure of earning me income. It is both a blessing: Yay, I get to do this for work and make money from it! and a curse: I have to keep doing this to keep making money. Which means I rarely turn off because I am completely, passionately, insomniac-ly consumed by it. For now, I’m happy with that.
The dome-shaped home made of rainbows and glass has been replaced with me questioning whether I ever even want to own a home. I like living in a home. But do I really need to own it? Is that the most effective use of my time and money? Why accept the economic status quo? Personality-wise, I’m not so good with physical things. I literally own 2 suitcases worth of stuff, plus 2 storage boxes of clothes hangers, winter gear and other bits and pieces in my ex’s attic. An entire house to take care of feels too big to comprehend. I want flexibility and freedom more than I want a physical place. I’m really into this new, emerging “sharing economy”. What my version of that looks like at present, is renting a furnished home — preferably with lots of houseplants I can pander — that I can call my own, for 6 months at a time.
Money, on the other hand, is something I’m really diving deep into. Unsurprisingly, since it is one of the courses that I’m working on right now: money — how to have it, keep it, grow it, earn it, love it etc. I’ve been on such a journey with money which becoming self-employed clandestinely threw me into. I love how differently I view it now. There’s such an expansiveness to my relationship with money. It’s no longer about “how can I make this fit into my limitations” and more about “how can I make this grow into something even bigger”.
My international tax law accountant recently confirmed that as long as I spend less than 6 months in any country, I don’t have to pay tax, though I’ve been filing my taxes in Australia every year despite not having touched Australian soil in 3 years. I’ve chosen to invest in bonds and international shares portfolios to grow the savings I have. And, most excitingly, I’ve finally found a truly international digital banking system called Revolut that allows me to have money in as many currencies as I want, without a permanent physical address, with a bank card I can use all over the world without the extortionate fees normal banks charge. They also offer a premium which covers travel and health insurance that I’m very interested in. I feel like I was born at the exact right time for me to access so much innovation that aids me living my most authentic life.
Relationships are an area that I am still determining. The social conditioning around what an intimate relationship must look like is strong, my friend. I struggle with the fact that I am enamoured by the notion of today’s standard romantic relationships: have that spectacular spark, fall in love, commit, live happily ever after.  I yearn for the closeness of being wrapped up in someone else’s life: the physical intimacy, the emotional vulnerability, the dance between masculine and feminine. And yet, I’ve never had a relationship last longer than 4 years because I arrive in a place where I am desperate to seperate myself from that other soul and breathe the air alone for a moment. I’ve come to the conclusion that it means I need a partnership that offers both the physical, spiritual and intellectual intimacy as well as the tremendous amounts of space and independence that I crave. Perhaps different houses, different countries even. Where we spend several months together and then several months apart. I don’t know if that’s the perfect solution, but at least it is a solution, and possibly a fun experiment.
This is me, devising my kind of future. I’m curious to hear your vision: what does your kind of future hold?

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