It takes 17 seconds for a thought to take on an entity of its own.
My meditation teacher said this morning. Every morning since the start of the year I have been meeting her and a group of others at 8 am to meditate together to change the frequencies in our bodies so that we get out of our damn way.
When you focus on a thought for 17 seconds, you activate the vibration of the thought. And when you focus on a thought for 68 seconds, the vibration becomes powerful enough to manifest itself in real life. She says.
We do 20 minutes of focused awareness each morning, just to be sure.
These are the tools of our human supernatural sorcery.
How we choose to spend our time becomes central to our life.
Where we put our focus grows, expands and evolves as if focus itself is the water to a seed.
What we bring into our awareness commands the perspective we have in each experience.
I have not been shy in sharing that life, as I was experiencing it, has challenged me for the past 18 months or so.
The tipping point occurred when, one day in mid-October 2021 as I was preparing for my journey to relocate to Mallorca, I suddenly felt a sharp spasmodic pain run across the left side of my lower back that brought me to my knees and down onto the floor. I lay there, frightened and confused until the pain subsided a little and found that I could not stand up. Slowly, awkwardly, crawling on hands and knees, I ungracefully threw myself on the sofa. I found that, if I laid on my back, completely still I would be ok. Any movement however would trigger the sharp pain again. It was excruciating.
Terrified, immobile and alone I did what I could. I crawled to find some ibuprofen to ease the pain. I cancelled my meetings for the rest of the day. I booked an osteopath for the next day. And for the days following, I saw as many holistic specialists as I could. I would try anything, throw everything, at this painful problem.
It jolted me in such a way that I felt like I couldn’t trust myself nor my body, or my thoughts and I felt fearful, doubtful and full of anxiety. Everything I did was suddenly coupled with catastrophic thinking.
Catastrophic thinking, also known as catastrophizing, is irrational thinking that may cause you to assume that adverse outcomes will occur. Catastrophizing is a way of thinking known as a cognitive distortion.
This incident haunted me with continuous occasional recurring back pains, though never as severe, and long-term mental health symptoms that made it hard for me to enjoy the world and my life with the pleasure and optimism that had been natural to me before.
I felt broken and helpless.
Of course, there is more to that story. The back injury and resulting cognitive distortion that I experienced were a snowball response to many other things. Things we lived through, together. A decisive change in our world, the loss of freedom to move about and travel as we wished, coupled with uncertainty and lots of opposing messages begin flung around. Amidst the external chaos, I was forced to face and handle some of my own relational and familial trauma that I had suppressed and spiritually bypassed. Plus, I had a whole lot of emotional maturing to do, and it was not happening without meeting some hard truths and disappointing realities.
I moved to Mallorca, a shell of myself but with all the tools (and a lot of impatience) to return to wholeness. It took:
This morning, I woke up early… before my natural waking time between 7 am and 7.30 am. I don’t know what time it was. I leave my phone outside my bedroom. But I guesstimate sometime between 4.30 and 5.30 am. This happens whenever the spirits want me to listen and know I’ll be too sleepy for my ego to get in the way at that time.
Connect with your heart. Pour your attention and focus on your heart. Listen to what she has to say. They told me.
I placed a hand on my heart and kept my attention on her, delicately and gently, so the nuanced and subtle messages can make their way through. She told me what she wants. And that she wants me to ask for more than I have so far. I promised her to listen always and forever and reminded her that she will eternally be my guiding force. At some point, I drifted off and woke up again minutes before my 8 am mediation group was about to start.
As I went about my day today, I noticed a significant shift. I felt trust again. Trust in life, trust in my body, trust in myself. I felt a soft, warm pulsing emenating from my heart and wrapping me in love and comfort. I felt safe existing in the world without trying to protect myself with catastrophic thinking. I felt joy from the simple act of existing. I remembered how good it feels, just to be.
I quietly in my mind and heart, celebrated arriving here, finally, after so many gruelling months of throwing all my psychological, physical and spiritual tools at everything that was arising for me.
As difficult as this time has been, it has also been full of gifts.
— I learned what I truly need as a human being and a woman in this world, and to prioritise meeting those needs, above all else.
— I developed a deeper level of understanding and compassion for human suffering as well as a stronger discernment of things that I am not available for.
— I became dedicated to permitting myself to feel all those sloppy, grating, messy and dramatic emotions that wanted to make their way out of my body and thereby transcended the emotional maturity I had until now, to a point where I understood and could hold space for so much more than ever before. In myself and others.
— I started to acknowledge that if I wnated to continue in this line of work I was going to need help and to allow myself to be supported and my team grew beyond the occasional contractors I’d hire from 1 to 3 people.
— And it led me to develop the leading edge body of work, which is a fusion of all my education, my childhood challenges, and my career working with private clients and teaching groups bt in person and online into The Mentor Training.
It is something so unique, and so needed in the world, that it already holds its energy and magnetism. I ran it for the first time across 8 months in 2022 and enrolments have just opened up for the 2023 training on Monday. We’ve already ushered a few new students into our space and cannot wait to welcome the rest of you. I would love you to check it out and feel into whether this is something that calls to you.
Remember, your heart will always guide you.
Thank you for being here with me, as I somewhat unskillfully navigated the past year and a half. I did my best. And I am human and sometimes make mistakes. This period has taught me a lot and I sit here today tapping at these keys to send this transmission out to you with so much gratitude in my heart. For the journey. For the struggles that brought me to my knees. For the opportunity to grow. For my community, here. For you. For the ability to feel joy. For all of it.
These writings originate from my occasional (usually every couple of weeks, sometimes less, sometimes more) free email subscription. I like to save the best of me for this space that is so precious to me. If you would like to read more of these types of musings and transmissions, I encourage you to subscribe.
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