strengthening my resolve — a personal update

 
It’s the early morning after the winter solstice and I’m sitting in bed with a homemade almond latte and a breakfast tray balanced on my bed holding the laptop keys as I tap away. Last night I lit 3 white candles and made 3 wishes: 1 for love, 1 for abundance, 1 for creativity. I let them burn until I went to sleep.
 
The veils are thin, we say at these times, meaning that the space between the physical and non-physical world is lessened. We can touch the things we cannot see.
 
Ever since I was a child I knew the world was full of extraordinary things that we couldn’t explain. As an adult, I’m privileged to experience many of them. The last few months have been full of them.
 
Which is not to say that it’s all been glorious days full of sunshine and joy. I won’t lie, the turbulent emotions I’ve felt the past 6 months have been really hard to navigate. I want to be better at it but it’s been ugly and messy and some days I just want to stay in bed and cry not do anything. Not because things are ‘bad’ but because I am outgrowing my old shell and sensitive and easily feel overwhelmed by it all.
 

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I recently watched an interview with Jane Fonda about how she healed from bulimia where she quoted Tomas Jefferson “revolution begins in the muscles”. In the past 2 months, I’ve learned that here’s something so empowering to being physically strong. I hired a personal trainer when I returned from the UK and have been training with him 3 times a week since October. He’s a gentle soul with a cheeky grin when he’s about to make me do some extra-hard.
 
Much like with running, I had lots of stories in my head that lifting weights wasn’t for me. And I also knew I wanted to challenge myself and my body in a new way. After a month, I noticed some big differences. How much more at home in my body I felt. How much less I fought with food. How much stronger my immune system felt. How much easier it was to hold my boundaries. How much stronger I was, not just physically, but emotionally. Bonus: how toned my arms and bum suddenly were.
 
I have a feeling that lifting weights has become a direct accompaniment and reflection of the inner growth I have and continue to move through. In order to hold more of all the good things I have been manifesting lately, I’ve had to expand my ability to meet those things within my physical body. As without so within. I am becoming stronger in every way.
 

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By some strange set of circumstances that can only be explained as kismet, I found myself in the office of a medium one November afternoon. A small Asian man with an American accent in his mid-40’s sat down opposite me with an open pad and paper and closed his eyes. I closed mine. A few minutes in a voice entered my thoughts. There is a feminine energy coming through, gentle, nurturing. Stop it Vienda, I thought. Let him do his job.
 
A few seconds later I open my eyes. He’s randomly scribbling shapes, lines, squiggles on his pad and says “There is a feminine energy coming through, gentle, nurturing. She feels like she comes from your mother’s line. She says she’s your grandmother.” He started sharing information from her as he channelled my Austrian Oma that no-one else could know, saying phrases and words that only she would say. Then another soul joins her. My Italian Papa comes through and tells me the intimate details of his death. The things I have never know but always wondered about. He calls me by all those familiar endearments I hold close to my heart and tears start to pour from my eyes feeling a combination of relief and love.
 
They leave me with a remarkable sense of closeness and promises that, with my permission, they want to take up more presence in my life. So many things from my childhood are explained and confirmed, apologies made, recognition given for the challenges I endured, and confirmation around what I am moving towards into the future.
 
For 3 weeks afterwards, I am left with a sense that I am mourning them in a way I never had been able to before. I am mourning the person I had to become to make it on my own, and I am mourning the person I am leaving behind now as I become more whole and clear in who I am and what I am here to do than ever.
 

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Last week I went to see a clairvoyant channel an alien with messages for our planet. She said:

• The world stage may get even more hectic. You need to take care of yourself more than ever to stay grounded and centred in your body.
• Make self-care, rest and nourishing, strengthening and moving your body a priority to you can navigate these times. Don’t be afraid to take a day off when you feel you need to. Honour yourself in this way.
• You must let go of the old stories, narratives and not make excuses. Reliving the past and re-hashing old memories isn’t going to serve you anymore.
• You need to feel all your emotions fully. It is time to tear down the walls you have created to protect your heart and truly feel all of it.
• Make sure you lead with the heart and make all your decisions from the wisdom and intelligence of your heart and body. The mind is here to do the hearts work. Allow your heart to command the way. The poles are shifting and entering us diagonally directly through the heart now. This is the only way forward.
• We are at the leading edge of a new way on earth, a new consciousness. When we reach 51% consciousness we will tip over and everything will change. Be prepared. It will be akin to an energetic apocalypse.

 
I never used to do go see mediums of intuitives or clairvoyants. Not because I’m not a believer but because I didn’t feel the need for external input or validation. I prefer to listen to my own intuitive insights over others. But recently I’ve been led in this direction and it’s a confirmation and strengthening my resolve around leading with love and letting spirit guide me and being ok with things not making any sense for my mind.
 
So much magic happens when I let go of the steering wheel and this year has expanded me like none ever before. I feel like I’m preparing for the future. After 18 months of cutting my hair short, I’m letting it grow. It feels significant. My hair speaks volumes to what I am keeping and cutting out of my life. In October I started straightening my slowly-crowding teeth and loving the results which will be final in February.  I’m getting stronger physically, emotionally, mentally. I’m working on 3 big, exciting projects including plannher and a rebrand for next year. The uncertainty of Brexit is encouraging deeper trust than ever as I take steps to return to the UK in March to make it my permanent home, the god’s willing. Everything is shifting.
 
It’s time to take a break. Low-key RSI in my right wrist from using my phone too much is a powerful reminder that all things require time off to bloom and grow which is exactly my intention. For the next two weeks, I’m deleting IG off my phone. I already did that with FB a month ago. And absorbing myself in laughter, sunshine, indulgent novels and beach time.
 
Until 2020, loves.