by Vienda | 17 Jan 2012 | Love + Relationships
As mentioned recently, I attended many interesting workshops and discussions at Confest over the holiday break, one of which was entitled Understanding Men, run by a scientist by the name of Thomas Starke. I think the idea of understanding men is wildly fascinating, and as it turned out so did many men, since two thirds of the people attending were male. It appears that men also want to understand themselves.
Although I actually missed the first half of the workshop, I was pleasantly surprised to find out that Tom was actually articulating how important it is for men to become empowered. I understand this to mean another way of expressing the journey to self-realisation. Empowered in the sense of becoming self-actualised as Maslow would call it. :: a powerful individual within their own right. Tom also expressed how important it is for women to become empowered. For a better world. For a happier life. And for healthy relationships.
Some of the golden nuggets that I pick up on from Tom’s discussion on understanding men were:
- Most men stop developing beyond the age of 14 unless they consciously make a choice towards self-awareness. This appears to be a more recent predicament because in our human history tribes and societies traditionally had some form of rite of passage in which elders shared their knowledge and wisdom with younger ones and boys became men. Nowadays these opportunities rarely exist in our western culture and men have to figure all these things out on their own.
- We currently live in a very masculine society in which even women have learnt to take on masculine behaviours, are more aggressive, have become hunters and generally have taken on the roles of men ~ leaving men quite perturbed on where they stand and what their roles as men are. As you may well know by my articles on gender roles here and here and here this is a fascinating topic for me. Tom emphasised how important it is for women to become empowered within their feminine realms. “You can be strong and very feminine at the same time.” He argues that women need to be women and men need to be men. Or basically that we have to be who we are, rather than try to be different. An example Tom gave was that women have to learn to be comfortable with receiving again, without feeling obligated to reciprocate. “It’s a woman’s right to receive.”
- Tom reiterated that everyone’s journey to empowerment is different ~ and that we all need to figure out what works for us and what doesn’t to reach that sense of empowerment.
- He also outlined that when you are empowered you don’t need to be with someone to feel fulfilled. Relationships then simply bring more male and female balance into your life.
- A point that I personally really resonated with was “staying in the space of allowing emotions”. Tom illustrated that an empowered man has the inner strength to stay with both his own and his partners emotions. Allowing them the space to just be…and then to pass. Without judgement or reaction. It’s about providing a space of safety and comfort despite emotional ups and downs with the knowledge and realisations that these upheavals are not meaningful and will pass.
- It was also emphasised how important it is for both men and women not to give their power away. Own it, relish it, stay in your power. At the same time remain aware, flexible and gentle. Constantly moving with the winds of change.
- Finally, a very interesting perspective that one of the men in the worksop brought up was how he, and many other men felt about the expectations from women. The example he gave was that women expect men to be everything all rolled into one…”Brad Pitt, Bill Gates, Tarzan and so on….” I personally had no idea that men felt under so much pressure from women to live up to certain standards and expectations. I do see his point in the way that I often see women enter into relationships with the intention to change the man in order to create their “ideal image”. Which is totally wrong. And ridiculous. For one, you can’t change people and for two, if you don’t like who they are in the first place, why on earth would you be with them?!! For their potential?! No!
Tell me, what are you views? If you feel brave, please leave a comment in the comment section below. Share your ideas and thoughts. I am fascinated!
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by Vienda | 30 Dec 2011 | Intuition + Manifestation
So 2011 has been a pretty amazing year all round…I finally found my feet in Sydney and life has catapulted in all sorts of creative and inspirational directions but the truth is, it’s always the people that make it! So here’s my gratuitous adoration in the form of a love letter to you.
Thank you to the girls:
Girlfriends…..you are like sweet honey to my soul. You always know when to nurture me, entertain me ……and when to let me make my own mistakes.
Thank you for loving music with me the way only girls can.
Thank you to the sister that saves my days with dirty comedy and laughter until my stomach hurts, feeding me at every possible opportunity and bursting into tears with me at any unreasonable hour on account of any irrespective impulse. You are the one I lean on. Thanks for moving to Sydney to be with me. (Even though I know you moved here for your boyfriend!).
Thank you to the little blonde girl who held my hand through uni years ago and is still holding my hand now, has saved me from many capricious moments with boys and listened to my whims and fantasies for hours. Thank you for sharing my ridiculous obsession with philosophy and trying to understand EVERYTHING even though I know I can’t. My world would not exist the way it does without you.
Thank you to the gorgeous trio, my United Nations girls with whom we represent (almost) every corner of the world. You’ve made Sydney sane for me and been my family. Thank you for allowing me to entertain you with my fanciful stories of the local dating scene, for letting me scold you when you were frivolous with your judgements and ringing me with all you boy dilemmas. Thank you for being worried for me and laughing with me and thinking of me with all of your sweetness and love.
Thank you for safely escorting me home when I’ve had enough to drink. Thank you for being foolish and faithful and honest. Thank you for telling me when I look good. Thank you for worrying when I don’t. Thank you for telling me that you appreciate me and welcoming me into your homes and hearts.
Thank you to all of you who have let me interfere with your love lives (always with my best intentions), for letting me ramble fantastical notions about life and love and stuff ….. and nodding and smiling even when it doesn’t make any sense.
Thank you for letting me play with your cute little babies and then hand them back to you at the end of the day. And then scaring me with stories of childbirth and motherhood. Your rock my world!
Thank you for my glittery twitter posse, you define the meaning of girl power! You are all so talented and unique and creative, I feel so blessed to be able to call on you with my every distress and confusion. Thank you for listening and always coming back with such relevant solutions. Thank you for all your support and being on this radical, cosmic twitter-verse ride of technology with me. You are all heart!
Thank you to the boys:
Boy(friends)…..you are the strength and the power that stabilises my whims.
Thank you to those of you who managed to just be my friend when all I really needed was a friend. Thank you for listening and sharing your masculine views. Thank you for giving every story two sides of perspective, for your kindness and strength and pulling me back in line when I am flighty and impetuous and my feet are no longer on the ground. Thank you for laughing with me at my stories and feeling protective over me simply because I’m a girl.
Thank you for loving music with me the way only boys can.
Thank you to the 10 english lads that embraced my chemical romances and indulged my musical whims towards electronic grime. You were there for me when I just needed to take my life down to gutter level for a few months and relive some of that twisted melodic madness that is London.
Thank you to the young sweet lover who warmed my bed for a few months and thereby helped me move swiftly on from the last relationship that I had just barely escaped before it fell apart in ruin and shambles. Thank you for being so attentive and eager to please. You were the medicine that my deprived body longed for. Unabashed. Non-commital. Perfection.
Thank you for the random drunken compliments and deep and meaningful conversations with strangers on my late night walks home.
Thank you for all the funny dates that I went on which gave me endless romantic comedy-esque stories to share. You boys really make me laugh. Thank you for the awkward goodbyes and the half-mouth-half-cheek-missed-kisses. Thank you for the endless text messages of endearment ….. you always put a smile on my face.
Thank you for the short-lived love affair with the man we now call Buzz Lightyear….(the resemblance is uncanny!) Thank you for making me feel like a little minx in the bedroom after renouncing my nun-hood after 6 months of just pure unadulterated dating. Thanks for making me feel like everything I said and thought was spectacularly brilliant … you did wonders to my self esteem!
I really love and appreciate you all! Thanks for playing with me this year. Let’s do it all again! x HAPPY 2012 KIDS! It’s just getting better and better every year!
NB: There are so many more of you to thank but I couldn’t fit you all in together …. to all of you scattered around the globe, I am often thinking of you and carry you with me in my heart always.
And just FYI: I am taking the first week of 2012 off to do pretty much nothing and will be back with our regular schedule in the second week of January. Happy holidays! x
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by Vienda | 23 Dec 2011 | Love + Relationships
I’m European, so by birth; half Austrian half Italian but I feel pretty mixed up so let’s just say European. And we celebrate Christmas a little differently than all y’all of English speaking backgrounds. My (half) sister has just moved to Sydney and we are going to celebrate a European style christmas with a mix of traditions from both our backgrounds (Australian = her, Austrian = both of us + Italian = me). We have been coming up with some pretty extravagant plans and heated discussions on how this may play out but it has finally been decided that I am hosting our dinner since I live closest to the Christmas Eve going-out madness and I will be serving: a green salad with mixed leaves, avocado and persian feta, Austrian Bratwurst with Süßer Senf and Italian hazelnut macaroons filled with hazelnut creme ganache and dipped in dark chocolate. (Normally there would DEFINITELY be a potato dish accompanying….. but not at my house.) So I thought I’d share with you a little insight on the traditions for Christmas that I know from childhood.
For a start, Christmas in both Italy and Austria is much less commercialised than in the UK, Australia and the USA. It’s much more about family and food. (Very much about food if you’re Italian!!!) For instance, instead of writing letters to Santa Claus with a list of what we want, children normally write letters to their parents telling them how much they love them and thanking them for looking after them, which are placed under the plate of the family head (usually the father) and read out aloud after dinner. Secondly, we celebrate on Christmas eve not on Christmas day.
On Christmas eve only do you put up an evergreen tree and all the family get together to decorate the tree in the afternoon. Often a lot of the decorations have been hand made by the younger ones in the weeks coming up to Christmas and the tree is always finished off with candles to add ambience and increase that delicious pine smell. I remember baking traditional Christmas gingerbread cookies in the shape of pine trees, stars, hearts and angels and tying them on to the tree with ribbon. To this day I have no idea how those candles stayed balanced on the the pine needle-tips of the tree. A magical sight from a child’s eyes! Clearly it’s winter in Europe so it’s fitting…..Australia is in constant fire danger so I’m pretty sure this wouldn’t go over to well here.
Family love generally revolves around the kitchen where an enormous feast is prepared and everyone helps and sings and tells each other stories until it’s time to sit down and enjoy the meal. This is followed by the traditional gift-giving however Santa also doesn’t come sliding down some chimney but the “Cristkindl” I suppose the most direct translation would be the “Christ Child” magically makes the gifts appear under the tree while everyone is out of the room eating dinner. Some of my favourite memories of those times are laughing so hard we can’t eat or finish our sentences, that general sense of belonging to a group of people that cherish and adore you and eating all those delightful treats that we weren’t allowed normally….
Clearly all of this takes hours and hours and desert of cookies and strong liquors and hot chocolate is served until everyone layers up to go to the midnight mass. It’s all about celebrating togetherness, joy and love and perhaps not that steeped in religion for some of us, but also quite separate to that commercial sense of impertinence that people are often pressured into elsewhere.
And that, my little friends, is a European Christmas!
Merry Christmas everyone! I wish you all the love and happiness and peace imaginable this festive season and hopefully your days are filled with friends, joy and laughter!!
xox
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by Vienda | 13 Dec 2011 | Psychology + Soul
I’m going to start this series of posts by telling you a little story. I’m going to open myself up and be vulnerable. We’re gonna take this one deep. It’s the story of my history, fairytale style:
Once upon a time, in 1981 a little baby girl with raven-black hair and enormous eyes that could drink in your soul was born shortly after midnight on a warm summer’s night in August. Her sweet and doting mother was delighted and her endeared and perplexed father was well……stoned. This little baby grew into a curios, wide-eyed and adventurous child who loved everyone. Her mother worked hard to support her little family of two and her father gypsied around Europe in an effort to find himself as he was a bit of a lost soul. Intelligent, intuitive, creative and amazing however very absent. Up to the age of four this little girl’s life was a magical and enchanting one spent wandering and exploring the streets of various parts of Austria, Italy and Spain depending on where they were living at the time.
Then there was a sudden twist in fate. The little girls mother, young and deeply troubled by some of her life’s misfortunes decided to marry a cruel and unkind man who had deceived her into believing that he was in fact the prince that she had been waiting for.* The new evil step-father threw this little girl’s life into a vortex of unkind words, punishment and general emotional abuse. Her mother who became lost within the boorish situation she had got herself and her first child into was not strong enough to protect her and suddenly, as if becoming conscious of herself for the very first time the little girl realised that she was all alone in this life. And very, very aware.
The little girl escaped into her own world of colourful creative imagination fed by books and nature and dreams of being free one day. A half sister was born, followed by a half-brother whom she cherished and adored. Since she had no choice in the matter the little girl made the best out of her life, just living for the day that she would be grown-up and could make her own choices and escape her shackles of enslavement and oppression, the harsh words and rejection and aloneness of her childhood. She didn’t want to wait for a knight in shining armour to save her, she was determined to save herself.
In her 12th year having endured far more than any person ever should, bringing her to attempt running away from home several times, life catapulted into a whole new direction. The girl’s mother decided to remove herself from the destructive marriage she was in however sadly losing any rights and custody over the two children born within the relationship. Whilst the mother was vacant and exhausted and entirely unavailable with enormous amounts of healing to process, the little girl realised that, though still alone she was finally free ….. however not so, as she had assembled an invisible wall of protection in which she had locked herself into in order to survive. An ivory tower of tremendous emotional turmoil and pain over the unfairness and unkindness perpetrated in her childhood.
How did this sweet little girl locked in her ivory tower radically and powerfully transform her life and finally set herself free? Find out next time! To follow on, click on Part 2 and Part 3 here.
* Please note that both the mother and the step-father were victims of circumstance and had deep-seated psychological issues which were exposed through the intimate family situation described within this story. What brought them together was their own need to resolve these issues and thereby set them free. This, sadly, did not happen.
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by Vienda | 29 Nov 2011 | Love + Relationships
I am completely fed up with frustrated women asking each other this question. Where have all the good men gone? It makes me feel really uncomfortable, like I constantly need to defend men against snarky, cynical women and I’m not sure why this is so I decided to do some research. (Please don’t misunderstand me here, I adore women-folk, clearly being one of them myself!) I started chatting to my good friend Google who informed me that an article in the New York Times has been published earlier this year on exactly that topic by Kay Hymowitz who argues that too many men in their 20s are living in a new kind of extended adolescence.
There are endless amounts of theories to explain this phenomenon that it seems women, no matter where they live, from Sydney to London to New York and everywhere in between seem to be moaning about. If you want to read about the current thoughts and ideas flying about on the topic, click on these links here:
International Business Time writer Rob Ogden argues that feminism since the 60’s has emasculated men and given them less responsibility and made them confused about ‘how to be a good man’.
Daniel Malito shares his views from a man’s perspective in the Huffington Post. (I love his point of view… please listen to the man!)
Ammmm, so girls, they haven’t gone anywhere. They’re all right here, in front of you. Living out their lives, doing their thing just like the rest of us.
I think that women (the one’s that are distressed that there are no men……. and perhaps some men also) have come to a place where they are holding onto an idea of what their perfect man might be like, might approach them like, that they have left no room for actually allowing it to happen. There’s no room for surprise because in their minds they have a set idea of how it all should be. The amount of happily-ever-after stories I have heard where girls end up with a guy completely the opposite of what they thought they wanted is incredible. Girls who thought they wanted a “suit” and ended up with an artist. Girls who wanted a musician and ended up with a banker. Girls who thought they wanted someone straight-laced and ended up falling in love with a tree-hugging hippy. Girls who were sure that they wanted someone their own age and then ended up connecting with someone significantly younger or older than them. And these are true love stories, romances that I adore and admire in their strength and connection. The truth is, you just never know who might be right for you.
I am also fed up with stereotyping….it’s a waste of time and doesn’t allow people the show their individualism. If we stopped trying to put each other in boxes and passing judgements based on race, job, education, background and so on and gave each other the freedom to just be who we are, perhaps we would all find it so much easier to connect.
Maybe the old-fashioned and out-dated gender roles from the past don’t apply to us any longer. Life and how we live it is constantly evolving and we with it. As humans beings we live longer now than ever before, are healthier, more educated, and have more choices and possibilities. Perhaps taking longer to “grow up” is a reflection of that. And perhaps we don’t really need to grow up at all. Hymowitz identifies that “marketers and culture creators help to promote pre-adulthood as a lifestyle”. Perhaps. It’s the lifestyle that I am also living. Not just men. Maybe I’m too young to remember what ‘real grown-up men’ are like, maybe I belong to a generation where I regard this extended adolescence as the norm. I have nothing else to compare it to so I can’t tell you. But I know that I’d rather be with a man who is passionate and creative and switched on and still wants to go to gigs and explore the world and create his own life than with a man who is deeply entrenched in society’s dinosaur gender role of merely being a provider who works so hard that he doesn’t enjoy his life or spend time with his family. You can have fun, enjoy life, be young at heart and responsible, and have a family if you wish, and live a full life and mature through it.
And I know plenty of men who perhaps would ask the same question: where have all the good women gone? It’s not men versus women. It’s about people. Having a hard time connecting with each other. Maybe we all need to become a bit more open-minded and accepting.
The real question is, what is it that you really want? And is that truly what you want or just what you think you want? If you sincerely look into your heart, what values and qualities matter the most? And how many people do you know, whether male or female match those ideals? Is it more important that a potential partner has the job or the body that you consider as ideal or that he or she has the same deeply entrenched values and beliefs as you? Is it more important that you can look into each other’s hearts and eyes and recognise each other or that the other person looks good on paper?
As I have lamented previously here and here, I love gender roles. I think that even though men and women are clearly equals, they also are opposites on the gender continuum and there is no point pretending to be the same. We are quite different and our strengths and weaknesses differ in a way that we balance one another out. We are currently just figuring out a whole new way to express our gender differences and the roles that we choose to play within our interactions.
This is absolutely an inconclusive discussion, however one that fascinates me immensely so your thoughts and comments are more than welcome. What do you think?
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