Growing older is such a luxury and honour. Every year I become more myself, stronger, softer, wiser, kinder, happier, I let go of and move with things easier. This year was one of my favourite birthdays yet surrounded by friends, new and old, by the sea in the sun, laughing a lot.
There’s a really powerful shift that happens when you embrace exactly where you are. No chasing other things/places/people. Not wishing they were different. Fully allowing yourself to be exactly where you are and celebrating the eternal motion of life.
When people ask me what’s next my answer is always “I’m enjoying what’s right in front of me. That’s where I believe life gets really good.”
At 39 I have lost the care for counting years in numbers. Instead, I want to count the number of times my heart swelled with love, the times I lived fully in rapturous joy, the times I broke down in tears and fell apart entirely succeeded by a new version of myself. I want to measure my life by my ability to stay soft when things are hard, to approach things gently when they are sharp, and to choose trust and tenderness in any conditions.
Over my lifetime I developed a high resilience for uncertainty. At first by circumstance and later by choice and further on by habit I chose uncertainty in my home environment, in my work, in finances, in relationships. The more I stripped away at the external sense of certainties the more effectively I was able to anchor myself in my centre letting go of the illusion that anything is for sure.
Over the past 2 years, the rebuilding began for me. It feels so good to be able to create and fully grasp this physical life in both hands without attachment, treading through it lightly. Once nothing was left I had everything to play with without the illusion is that things are solid in their certainty.
It is an illusion that has melted for many of us this year.
There was an innocence to the beginning of this year that none of us can ever reclaim. A hopeful naivety. We were invincible in our optimism that things would continue the way we know them. There was no hint of how the year would unfurl. No evidence of the ways it was yet to break us open and the ways we would have to stitch ourselves back together again, never quite the same as before.
While not much makes sense right now I know that this is happening for us. It’s a coming of age for all of us as a society. A chance to strip away the stuff that made our foundations weak and crippled our society. An opportunity to burn it all down. We are creating space to rebuild a new way of life.
I feel so strongly that the air is thick with thousands of new different ideas and new ways of living and doing life right now. So much is coming through.
We are being propelled forward. We don’t have time to indulge in the unhelpful dogmatics like our fears and pity ourselves or play the victim game. We have to continuously clear all the ego-debris that comes up along the way to keep the space open and be a clear channel for what needs to come through.
These past months and those going forward I am keeping tremendous amounts of time and space open for me to hear the new ideas, concepts and ways of being to allow them to drop in so they can move through me.
One of the huge pieces that I feel is being released collectively right now came through yesterday around working hard and doing things that create socially valued results and how we can start doing work and showing up in a way that is entirely new. I think the concept of jobs as we have known them is starting to fall away.
Ultimately amongst all this, I feel a sense of vulnerable patience knowing what really matters is moving with this stream of the unfolding of my life and trusting that while we don’t know what is next, or how it is all going to pass, it is all exactly as it should be.
This is 39. I like it here.
From previous years:
This is 38.
This is 37.
This is 36.
Photo by Ste Marques