It’s been a weird week…
I keep waking up in the middle of the night, my mind racing with all sorts of weird thoughts and stories. Most of them are things I’d really rather not think about, because they’re not useful for me. I’ve been practicing not to give those thoughts much attention. But sometimes they come up with some brilliant lessons.
(My astrologist-friend Danielle says that it’s because over the weekend 4 planets have been pushing on each other in the sky, which creates tension, and the tension prompts us to take action and change things, which funnily enough is exactly how diamonds are made: they form under pressure. What we are feeling and experiencing is a push for us to break up old patterns and also start something new.)
One of those brilliant diamond lessons has been a pattern that is transforming for me.
Since moving to Canada, I have been feeling quite vulnerable, because I am putting my life, trust and future into something that feels totally out of my control. When I was a small child I learned that others, especially those closest to me, were unreliable. My papa was around only in spurts, and then died when I was 10 years old. My mama made some bad decisions in her own life (old patterns that she wasn’t able to transform) resulting in not being able to be there for me. I felt very alone in the world in some ways, and created coping mechanisms that protected me from feeling the hurt and pain of being disappointed and let down, when others couldn’t provide the kind of support that I needed and wanted.
I chose to travel the world and meet new people and live an exciting life, because not only did it fill my heart and give my expansive life experiences, but I could avoid the deep relationships that I feared would ultimately hurt me. I always had an exit route, and I was entirely dependent only on myself. It was easy, and free, and wonderful.
Moving to Canada has been bringing up all sort of insecurities.
Late last week I emailed a shipping company to organise shipping all of my things from around the world to one place, for the first time in my life. As I was doing that a part of me piped up and said:
What if things don’t work out here, with him. What are you going to do with all the things that you own?
I don’t own that many things, really. There are 6 boxes in storage in Australia, a bag with a friend in London, and another in LA. But they are my collection of little treasures from all over the world, from my entire life, and hold a significance in my heart. I also know that they are only things. But somehow, the act of moving them all to Canada feels so very meaningful, definitive and scary.
The fear that comes creeping in and wakes me at odd hours of the night comes from a pattern of feeling disappointed, sad and hurt when things don’t work out the way you think, and wish, and hope they will, with the people you love. Life is simply like that. Out of no fault of anyone, things can change, sometimes rapidly.
Fear asks me in the middle of the night:
What will you do, if it doesn’t work out… and you end up all alone, and stranded in a very cold country, with 6 boxes and 2 bags?
Fortunately, I’ve had lots of practice working through fears, unravelling patterns, overcoming the odds. It’s my forte, in fact.
In reply I say:
I know you fear, and we are friends. Thank you for trying to keep me safe, like a helicopter parent whose child is about to jump off a bridge. Don’t worry. I’ve got this.
The very first thing I do is I lean into my fear. The only way out, is through. I lean into my fear by fully feeling it; letting it wrap itself around my heart and squeeze me a little; threading its many little fears through the layers of my being. When I embrace fear, instead of resist it, there is nowhere else for fear to go, and fear dissipates. Fear requires reaction and resistance to feed on, to go on. When there is none, it dies.
The next thing I do is refocus. I ask myself the one and only question that ever really matters:
How do I want to feel?
My intuition is quick to reply my hearts desire:
I want to feel secure and supported.
So my next question is:
What do I need to do and how can I change in order to feel secure and supported.
Again, she is fast. This process has been well-practiced. She knows I listen to what she has to say:
Trust, without consternation. The opposite of fear is trust. Have faith that you are supported and everything that happens, no matter the outcome, is for your highest good. Seek out proof in the areas of life that you do feel secure and supported. Expand that feeling across the areas where old patterns grip your heart with fear. And finally: ask for what you need, with words, from those who can give it to you. Your ability to ask, and your capacity to receive are the only things that you truly need to feel secure and supported.
Those mid-night conversations that start with anxiety and tension running through my body, end with a happy, sweet relief, as my shoulders relax back into the cushions, just a few hours before it’s time to wake up.
It’s been a weird week…
But the process — the star-influenced tension that is breaking old patterns under pressure and creating diamonds — a new level of life experience, is worth the days of tiredness from interrupted sleep.
I know that many of you have been working through your own patterns and stubborn limitations these past few days. I hope that you’ve been a willing student, and have been able to see the brilliance that arises when you go through, instead of avoid whatever life is teaching you today.
If this is something you’d love some help and support with, I offer 1-on-1 mentoring for when you are on the cusp of big, bright, terrifying and wonderful change, but you don’t quite have enough tools or want to feel supported, as you navigate through it. It’s easy: book a free 30 minute intro call with me, and we can chat about where you find yourself, and if working together is right for both of us.
