A few nights ago, just as Julien and I sat down to watch some vintage X Files (we’ve never seen them, and decided to watch them from the beginning — can I just say — OMG the 90’s!), I received a frantic text from one of my very best friends.
“This is kind of a cry for help! Disaster has struck…”
She went on to tell me that her on-again-off-again lover had ended up staying at her house for a week longer than anticipated, because he caught a terrible cold, and was draining her and her precious space of life-force.
“He’s demanding and miserable and ungrateful. He’s constantly asking for things, telling me that I’m a spoilt brat, and doesn’t even say “thank you” when I’ve changed the sheets for him for the 4th time that night, so he doesn’t have to lay there shivering. He’s really starting to annoy me! I can’t stand to look at his face anymore. And I feel like a terrible person! I have this sense that I am useless at being a ‘woman’.”
We messaged back and forth for a while, as she dealt with the flood of emotions coursing through her blood. Anger, pity, guilt, self-reproach, confusion.
She was angry because he was in her space, in her home, and she couldn’t escape to anywhere and had to face him. She felt pity because he truly was a hot, sick, mess. She felt guilty that despite everything she felt for the man, one thing she didn’t feel was a sense of compassion, but was rather annoyed that he was being so needy and demanding of her time and energy.
Eventually, as we soothed her soul with words of understanding, acceptance and forgiveness, two unique points started to emerge.
1. She just isn’t that into him.
Sometimes we hold onto people for convenience. Sometimes because we hold a karmic connection. Sometimes because they’re comfortable. And other times because we’re scared to be alone. And because she wasn’t really into him, she found it really hard to feel compassion for his plight. She didn’t want to have responsibility for his wellbeing. She enjoyed him as a source of company, affection and attention. Nothing more.
2. She is a woman with a sensible and practical nature.
She felt guilty, for not being the nurturing delicate caretaker that women are expected to be. Her fears around “not being a good woman” started to bite at her sense of self, and made her question what kind of human being she is. She felt that she must be a terrible person, since she couldn’t bring herself to have a deeper sense of caring for this man, and started to wonder “what’s wrong with me?”.
Our bodies, and our emotional responses, are always the best indicators of our truth. Whether we decide to ignore those signs or accept them in their infinite wisdom is always our choice.
Our souls are compelled to attract experiences and situations that will bring about more wholeness.
I know both my sweet friend and her lover, are in one another’s lives because they have lessons to learn through their interactions. This one is a karmic relationship. Their relationship is one made up of mirrors. Each mirror is an aspect of the other, that they themselves need to heal. It’s up to each of them to take their experiences and use them into a platform for growth.
Here’s some examples of how mirrors work:
- Her rejection of him, is also her fear of rejection.
- Her guilt comes from a fear of not being ” a good woman”.
- Her annoyance of him, is her lack of creating clear boundaries.
- Her chagrin with tending to a sick friend stems from fear of being a burden on others herself.
- His lack of gratitude is a reflection of his overall lack of gratitude in life.
- His high demands and neediness, is his fear of being unloveable, and lack of self-love.
- His name calling, is his inner knowing that he is not being a whole, healthy representation of himself.
- His attraction to her is a result of his own fear of rejection and feeling safe within the agreement of the casual relationship, because it means he doesn’t have to fully commit to her.
They each have their own work to do, within themselves first and foremost.
The best way to use mirrors to create more wholeness and harmony is to take each element that brings about discomfort and examine it for what it means within yourself. Every time we point a finger into the world, we have to turn that finger around and point it back at ourselves and ask:
“What is it, within me, that is the reflection of this discomfort?”
Once we know what out own internal trigger is, we can begin to release the pattern, and make new choices around it.
For example, her guilt for not being a more nurturing compassionate woman, is actually anchored in old paradigms of suppression of feminine power, belittling women to be nothing more than care-givers and nurturer. As we enter an age of feminine power, these old paradigms are beginning to fall away, but it takes our own awareness and willingness to make practical changes in our lives in order to reflect and impact a new way of life, that empowers women in their essence, rather than servant to the masculine of the past.
Each mirror is a signpost to a trigger or a discomfort, that heralds an aspect of ourselves which is asking for healing, resolution and wholeness. In every moment our souls are speaking to us.
Listen. Pay attention, woman. Your soul is speaking to you.
Image from FreePeople.com
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Hello, this is interesting, I don’t understand much of it. My questions are:
how did you conclude she just isn’t in to him from what you told us here? She may not be, but finding it hard to care for this guy when he is being rather mean would be a normal human reaction and not necessarily a sign she isn’t in to him. Doesn’t this belittle her reasonable response?
Why label her as sensible and practical? I’m sure she can be a wonderful caregiver too, and why is this such an insult to her femininity to say so?
Maybe she does have a fear of rejection but her rejection in this instance seems a justified response to a difficult scenario. Why not just conclude its ok to feel trapped and annoyed but it will pass, he will get better and yes perhaps she should set more boundaries around what she is willing to give him in future. But how does that equate to her fear of rejection?
Could her guilt not just come from fear or not being nice enough rather than not being a good woman?
Her annoyance could be a totally reasonable response to him being so demanding and ungrateful. Yes clear boundary next time but but does this example demonstrate a real problem in the area in general or just a response to an event?
I get what you are saying about understanding triggers, but Id like to understand more of how you arrive at the conclusions here … Perhaps it’s about information you know from them as friends that wasn’t shared here?
I love lots of your writing, hope you don’t mind the questions, I am trying to explore these ideas myself but don’t want to accept an approach without really understanding and exploring …. Blessings x
Hey honey, lots of great questions.
1. As I mentioned, we concluded during our chat that she isn’t that into him.
2. Fear or rejection attracts situations that prove the fear to be wrong. Which men as that the fear is something that requires some attention. Had she not had this fear, this relationship wouldn’t be in her field of experience.
3. She said her guilt came from not being a “good woman” by traditional social expectations.
Great questions Kate! x