what you’re responsible for. + what NOT
It’s officially 2025, and while some folks are diving headfirst into goal-setting and vision boards, others might just be trying to remember where they left their coffee. Wherever you’re at, it’s perfectly fine. Honouring your own rhythm is a beautiful thing. And while you might not be feeling the “new year, new me” vibes just yet, this could be the perfect time to hit reset on some sneaky habits—like enabling.
It’s been a hot topic in my little corner of the universe lately.
Having grown up in an emotionally unsafe environment, I was no stranger to enabling behaviours, as these dynamics often blur boundaries and foster a pattern of prioritising others’ needs, emotions, or dysfunctions over one’s own well-being, perpetuating cycles of dependency and unhealthy interactions.
It took me years to unlearn this pattern, a process that involved becoming deeply discerning about what was mine to carry and what wasn’t, and learning to step back, allowing others to take self-responsibility by resisting the urge to react or intervene in their experiences.
I thought, to celebrate the start of this new calendar year, you might like to break free from that pattern too, if it sounds familiar.
Let me show you how!
what is enabling?
Enabling is like being someone’s personal life jacket—except they’re perfectly capable of swimming, and now you’re both exhausted.
It’s when you step in to solve someone else’s problems, fix their mistakes, or shield them from the natural consequences of their actions. At first, it feels helpful (you’re just being a good friend/partner/parent, right?), but over time, it creates a pattern where they lean on you instead of stepping up. Meanwhile, you’re left wondering why you’re so drained and why they’re not learning to handle their own stuff. Sound familiar?
Enabling can feel like love wrapped in concern, but it often hides a deeper fear: that they might fail or face discomfort. By stepping in, you may inadvertently steal the opportunity for them to grow and build resilience.
Think of it this way: if you’re always the one baking the cake, how will they ever learn to crack an egg?
what you’re responsible for
(aka: The “Handle Your Own Stuff” List)
1. Your health and healing.
Nobody else can drink your green smoothie, book your therapy appointment, or stretch out that lower back. Sure, someone can suggest a healthier routine or offer support, but it’s on you to make the choices that support your well-being. Pro tip: Own it, and celebrate even the smallest steps forward.
2. Your decisions.
Ever agreed to something you didn’t want to do, then fumed about it later? That’s on you, my friend. Whether it’s choosing a new career path or deciding not to answer a 10 p.m. text, your decisions are yours to make. The beauty here? You’re in charge—even if you make a mistake, you get to learn from it.
3. Your commitments.
Said you’d do something? Then do it, or renegotiate with honesty. If you promised to help with a project but now realize you’re overwhelmed, it’s your responsibility to speak up. Holding your word—or adjusting it with integrity—is the backbone of trust.
4. Your relationships.
Every relationship is a two-way street, but you’re responsible for your lane. That means communicating honestly, owning your role in conflicts, and recognising when it’s time to pour in love—or to step away. It also means not projecting your expectations onto someone else (ouch, I know).
5. Your personal space.
From the clutter in your home to the vibe you create, your environment reflects how you care for yourself. Whether it’s finally tackling that junk drawer or adding a candle that makes your living room feel like a spa, this one’s all on you. And yes, this includes asking for help when needed.
6. Your personal growth.
Change doesn’t arrive on your doorstep like a surprise Amazon package. If you’re stuck, it’s on you to take the first step. Whether it’s seeking guidance, ending something toxic, or starting that hobby you’ve been talking about for years, you’re the one who needs to pull the trigger.
7. Your happiness.
Waiting for someone else to make you happy is like waiting for your cat to clean the litter box. Danger-baby isn’t doing it, and neither is anyone else. The secret? You’re fully capable of creating joy for yourself—start small and watch it grow.
what you’re not responsible for
(aka: The “Put That Down, It’s Not Yours” List)
1. Someone else’s healing.
You can offer a supportive hand, share tools, or hold space, but you’re not their healer. Whether it’s a friend processing heartbreak or a sibling stuck in their patterns, their healing journey belongs to them. Trying to take it on will only drain you both.
2. Their decisions.
Ever tried to “fix” someone’s choices because you can’t bear to watch them struggle? Let it go. Your advice (when invited) is valuable, but you’re not the director of someone else’s life. Let them call the shots—and learn from the consequences.
3. Their happiness.
No matter how much you love someone, you can’t fill the gaps in their joy. Whether it’s a partner, child, or friend, their contentment is their own work. Yours is to love and support them, not to carry the responsibility for their inner world.
4. Their messes (literal or metaphorical).
If they didn’t pay their parking ticket, left dishes in the sink, or caused drama at work, that’s their mess to clean. If you’re always stepping in to save the day, you’re robbing them of the chance to grow and take ownership of their actions.
5. Their learning process.
Growth is a beautiful, messy thing, and everyone’s path looks different. Trying to micromanage someone’s progress (or save them from mistakes) isn’t helping—it’s holding them back. Trust their ability to figure it out—they’ll thank you later.
let’s get real: a quick example
You’ve got a friend who’s always late. Every. Single. Time. You try “helping” by texting reminders, calling them 15 minutes beforehand, or even picking them up. Guess what? They’re still late. You’re exhausted, they’re still tardy, and now you’re resentful. Why? Because you’re trying to fix something that’s not yours to fix.
Instead, take a step back. Let them be late. If it means missing the movie previews or skipping the event, so be it. They’ll either learn the value of punctuality—or not. Either way, it’s not your circus, not your monkeys.
how to tell if you’re enabling
Ask yourself:
- Do I feel drained every time I help?
- Am I more invested in their success than they are?
- Is this something they could reasonably handle themselves?
If the answer is yes, you’re likely enabling.
letting go is the best gift
When you stop enabling, you give others the chance to grow.
You also free up your own energy to focus on what is yours. Imagine how much lighter you’ll feel when you stop carrying someone else’s load.
As we step into 2025, I invite you to honour your energy.
Set boundaries, embrace personal responsibility, and let others do the same.
Vienda Maria 