dating apps won’t tell you this!
I have a passé approach to love, romance and dating.
I have never had a one-night stand. I believe intimacy, both physical and emotional, needs to be earned.
I believe in old-fashioned passion, wooing and flirtation. I believe everyone walks into your life for a reason. Even the ones that are in it only for a short season. I believe in choosing someone imperfect with your whole heart, and then choosing them again and again, even when it’s hard.
I love love and being in love and being in love and loving someone has always been enough for me. I want to fight for love. For real love. I want to fight for you and the love you wish for.
When I meet a man I like, which is very rare, I decide I like him, we hold hands, and voilà! We are boyfriend and girlfriend. So when people (you, my reader) ask me for dating advice, I don’t know what to say.
I don’t buy into the modern dating approach. But maybe that’s exactly what you need: The things dating apps won’t tell you.
“Why aren’t you on dating apps?” he asked.
“If I can’t meet someone organically, I deserve to be single!” I declared, with conviction and arrogance.
My friend Jackson, who had just spent an hour recounting his tragicomic Tinder escapades, looked like I’d slapped him.
I softened. “It’s not a judgment. I just know the kind of man I want isn’t on there. The man I want? He’s not playing this game. I want someone like me. Someone who romanticises chance encounters. I want unexpected circumstances to deliver him to me. And I want a solid answer to the ‘How did you meet?’ question. I want a love story.”
He nodded, lost in his own thoughts.
what dating apps won’t tell you
When I met my partner I had wished for love for a long time.
We met in an unassuming way. On a big wooden bench outside against a big wooden window frame at a cafe. Just metres from where he lived. I was not pretty: I had been on a long walk, wearing leggings and a t-shirt, and on a work call. I was not expecting to meet my future partner that day.
I have more than a year’s worth of scrawling in my journal begging life to bring the right man my way. And I knew it was a kismet combination of being ready and open, timing, and place. And the assumption of positive intent1.
I knew I wanted to be met by someone who wanted to go on a life journey with me. Someone who wanted to grow alongside me. Someone shared my particular flavour of life experiences, so we were not too foreign to one another. I knew that, for it to stand a chance, we had to meet by chance.
The difference between meeting someone organically vs meeting them on a dating app is it leaves you delighted by the miracle of life working in your favour.
As opposed to the gamified human connection where every match becomes an empty dopamine hit. Dating apps thrive on your loneliness. They profit from your insecurities.
I have watched brilliant, accomplished women and friends spend months cycling through superficial connections, each one at first, promising and then, ultimately hollow. The real currency in dating isn’t in accumulating matches. It’s in the courage to be seen, truly seen.
Intimacy is not just about physical closeness, it’s about feeling safe to show someone who you are2. And for many, being emotionally naked feels scarier than taking off their clothes.
Exposing our insecurities, wounds, fears, and dreams can leave us feeling deeply vulnerable and exposed. True intimacy lies in moments of shared vulnerability.
Real love isn’t built on a perfectly timed witty reply. It’s built on presence. On attunement3. On showing up, again and again, even when it’s inconvenient. But apps won’t tell you that. I bad for business.
how to date
Dating, at its core, is simple: Be curious. Be honest. Be vulnerable. Have integrity. That’s it. That’s the whole thing.
Love lives in the spaces. In the cracks between plans. In the moments we don’t see coming. Like that day at the café when I met my partner. Me in my workout clothes. Hair wild from the wind. A work call on a wooden bench. That’s when love found me.
The truth about dating is simple. No strategies. No rules. No perfect messages. Just you, present in the world. The world, present with you.
These moments matter. Not for where they lead. For what they are. Raw pieces of being human together.
The ones who draw us in aren’t perfect. They’re real. They laugh about changing clothes three times before coffee. They admit when trust comes hard after heartbreak. They say “this is who I am” and let the words stand naked.
step 1: curiosity
Like people. That’s it. Just like them. People like people who like them.
Want someone to like you? Like them first. Want someone to love you? Love them first.
Dating isn’t about finding “the one.” It’s about being present in the world and actually engaging with it. It’s about making small sacrifices. You cannot complain about how no one talks to each other anymore while simultaneously refusing to look up from your phone.
step 2: honesty
Magnetism lives in complete ownership of who you are. It’s not about being perfect; it’s about being real.
The paradox of honesty is that the very things we think make us unlovable—our quirks, our fears, our weird habits—become our most attractive qualities when we own them completely.
Mature honesty requires discernment. It’s not about emotional dumping. It’s about stating your truth simply, without apology or explanation.
step 3: vulnerability
We’ve created a culture where strength is mistaken for invulnerability. Women are told to be independent, self-sufficient, always composed. Never let them see you need.
The magic happens when you share your truths without needing the other person to fix them. When you can say, “This is who I am” without apology, you create space for others to do the same.
Vulnerability also acts as a filter: the ones incapable of real connection will disappear. The ones who are ready will lean in.
step 4: integrity
Curiosity opens doors. Honesty builds trust. Vulnerability creates connection. But integrity? Integrity keeps it all standing.
Integrity means doing what you say you’ll do. It means being the same person in all contexts: with friends, with dates, with yourself. It’s saying no when something doesn’t align with your values, even if no one would know otherwise.
It’s rare. That’s why it’s attractive.
Integrity is the difference between being interesting and being trustworthy. Between being desired and being valued. Between drawing people in and giving them a reason to stay.
Dating isn’t broken. We are just overcomplicating it.
You just need to show up.
Curious. Honest. Vulnerable. In integrity.
That’s how you date. That’s how you find love. That’s how love finds you.
love, dating & other accidents
Some men are more fantasy than reality. Some arrive at the perfect moment but for the wrong reasons. Some teach you things you didn’t know you needed to learn—about yourself, about your boundaries, about the importance of foreplay.
Romance these days is strange magic. We try people on like borrowed coats, hoping they’ll stretch in the right places. Mistake lightning for sunrise. Convenience for chemistry. Bend ourselves into shapes that leave us sore.
But dating, at its best, is a mirror. It shows you what you want, what you don’t, what you’re willing to settle for and what you won’t tolerate again. It reminds you that love—real love—isn’t something you stumble into overnight. It’s something that grows, slow and steady, through care and curiosity.
And if nothing else, at least it makes for a good story.
The kind that makes you laugh years later. The kind that makes you grateful for all the wrong turns that led you right where you needed to be.
It means believing that the other person is acting with good intentions, even if their actions or words don’t land well. It’s a mindset that fosters empathy, reduces unnecessary conflict, and allows for more open, trusting interactions.
This requires what psychologists call secure attachment—the ability to maintain your identity while deeply connecting with another. Dating apps, however, cultivate the opposite: anxious attachment, where validation comes from digital affirmation rather than real-world connection.
Attunement in dating is the ability to be present with and responsive to a partner’s emotions, needs, and unspoken cues. It builds trust and connection through emotional awareness, active listening, and empathy.
Vienda Maria 