The truth is that, with all my Earthly wandering and wondering, my deepest longing is to find is a place I can call ‘home’. The concept of having a home, feeling at home, and ‘home’ as a safe space has always been challenging for me. It’s one of the wounds I have to unravel in this lifetime rooted in a childhood where ‘home’ was a place I wanted to continuously escape.
I’ve found ‘home’ within of myself. I feel so anchored and safe and supported as a human being in the world which makes it easy to flit around. My body is my first and primary home. And I’ve created many ‘homes’ for myself.
Slowly and slowly… my time in each place is extending as my nervous system is recalibrating into deep relaxation… and I am finding myself yearning and longing for a sense of having landed in a place that holds my body and trinkets and love.
More recently, two years in Mexico. And now 18 months in Brighton. It’s been sweet, this little home of mine. Safe, gentle, calm, easy. But the blood in my veins and the marrow in my bones is begging me to continue inquiring. This is not it. I hear the winds say.
At the close of September before the cold weather drapes us in its shrouded darkness again, I am away once more, seeking a place that fits like the glass slipper in Cinderella.
I’m manifesting landing in a place that has:
≋ tall pine and eucalyptus trees, sweet grass and wildflower meadows, rich dark soil, salty ocean waves and spray ~ where there are more sunny warm days than there are cold ones
≋ people with an inclusive narrative that recognise and assume their own growth and healing being as important as the work they do in the world ~ where community, creativity, joy and play are valued as much as individual productivity and prosperity
≋ a culture that affirms and supports the rapid evolution of the living being that is life, breath by breath, through its laws, structures and measures ~ where we can grow together
Maybe that place I’m looking for is not one place. Maybe it is scattered like a splintered society across many cultures and places. Maybe that’s why I move around finding pieces that I like and holding them close until it’s time to go again. Maybe it’s that what I’m looking for doesn’t exist yet and I’m willing it into being with my seeking.
Maybe is ok.
Maybe is enough. For now.
I am giving myself 3 months to allow life to guide me to the place and spaces I’m meant to be in.
Our hope to circumvent heartbreak in adulthood is beautifully and ironically child-like; heartbreak is as inescapable and inevitable as breathing, a part and a parcel of every path, asking for its due in every sincere course an individual takes, it may be that there may be not only no real life without the raw revelation of heartbreak but no single path we can take within a life that will allow us to escape without having that imaginative organ we call the heart, broken by what it holds and then has to let go. David Whyte
Each person’s experience of life last year was different. For some, it went on almost as usual. For others’s life screeched to a shocking halt. Some found a comfortable balance point to navigate their way through it. Other’s deeply grieved their past life, or the loss of loved ones, and had to learn to let it all go.
I received a lot of questions asking how to accept the grief and loss that comes from letting go and how to keep moving. How to stay grounded and remember that life is beautiful and this time is just a phase.
Heartbreak and the certain grief that accompanies all types of loss are inevitable in life. Sooner or later in larger and smaller ways, we all have to face the vulnerable fragility of ourselves. Over and over again.
There are those who think they can escape it. They build impenetrable invisible walls. They opt-out of real intimacy and cautiously skim the surface of life avoiding the depth that can bring the deepest love, joy, loss and pain. But in avoiding they also miss out on living.
There is a simple answer.
The very nature of life is that we do not always understand, or see why things are happening or where they are leading us. Acceptance brings us the peace to take back control. To remember that life is beautiful and this is just a phase and that we are not victims of circumstance. We have choices.
We have the choice to change our perspective to one the emboldens our courage and our willingness to feel the full spectrum of life. Without avoiding. Without running away. Without playing the victim.
As the serenity prayer aptly says:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Can we believe that this is happening for us?
Can we sit in the unknown and trust?
Can we have patience?
Can we surrender?
Can we then move forward when, and only when, life opens its doors to the next unfolding and invites us into its mystery? Then, can we say yes?
There is a reactive desire to jump ahead, past the grief, the pain, the challenges, the weirdness. We are pleasure-seeking beings after all. We want to speed through it instead of letting it sink in. We have fears that the grief will be too great to hold. That is will drown us. That we will get stuck here.
In the haste to move on quickly to the place where things feel sweeter, we look for ways to reinvent ourselves, to become new, to escape without having fully realised the gifts of our depth of feelings. Inevitably life will find a way to lead us back until we have fully surrendered to it. Until finally, in suffering, we find profound acceptance and transcend it.
Acceptance will lead us through.
One day this too shall pass. In the meantime, life is happening, hours, days, weeks, months are unfolding.
Can we live in the present and embrace the moment?
When I was 15 I went on a long overseas trip for the first time entirely on my own. I had signed up to be a foreign exchange student in the States for one year. I boarded the plane snotty-nosed and big, red eyes rimmed with tears and a knot in my stomach.
I was not ready.
That year ended up being the happiest time of life so far and formed my independence and sense of self in a way that is immeasurable.
When I was 23 I attended my first-ever electronic music festival. I was resistant and didn’t want to go and thought it would be full of weirdos and absolutely, definitely not for me. My boyfriend at the time promised me we would leave after 1 day if I truly hated it.
I was not ready.
At that music festival, I got to know the producers of the festival and other producers of other music festivals and all sorts of fascinating, inspiring, incredible people that I admired who hired me based on my personality and skills and ended up making music festivals my career for 5 years.
When I was 28 I wrote my first few blog posts. One day I decided to share one on Facebook. I was shaking and started to get all hot and prickly inside as my finger hovered over the ‘post’ button. I took a deep breath, clicked the button and then quickly closed the computer, terrified of what people would say and walked away.
I was not ready.
After that, it became easier and easier to share and to post and to write and after 2 years of writing and sharing I had a popular blog with over 10,000 readers every month.
When I was 30 I desperately wanted to turn my blog into a business. I came across a course called BSchool which promised me all the answers and thought about whether to take it or not for an entire month until 10 minutes before enrolment closed for the year. Sweating with fear I assembled all my resources and courage and paid the $2,000 even though it made me feel nauseous.
I was not ready.
That investment lead me to creating an online business that has allowed me to give my gifts to the world on my terms and has supported me on every level, especially financially across the past (almost) 7 years.
When I was 33 I bought a van to travel along the East Coast of Australia. I didn’t know anything about cars (I still don’t) or how to make my #vanlife fantasy reality but I pooled all my resources together and followed my heart, even though…
I was not ready.
Two weeks later my van blew up, but I fell in love and my entire life trajectory changed in the most wonderful and unexpected ways, that I am so grateful for today.
When I was 36, heart-broken, sick, confused and torn apart, I booked a flight to a town in Mexico that I had never heard of, knew no-one in and arrived there the next day with a suitcase filled with hope.
I was not ready.
That town became my home for two years where I tended to my heart, healed and grew. It was a safe container that held me in tender ways nowhere else had before and gave me everything I didn’t even know I needed.
I’ve noticed something interesting…
The very best things that have happened to me were the things I did when I wasn’t ready. The things that shook me and tore at me and made me feel the biggest feelings and pushed me and stretched me and scared me and lit a flame of hope in my heart and big dreams in my imagination…
Those things gave me the most, beyond my wildest dreams, even though…
I was not ready.
Don’t hold back, waiting to be ready. It will never arrive.
Even if you’re not ready.
It’s the early morning after the winter solstice and I’m sitting in bed with a homemade almond latte and a breakfast tray balanced on my bed holding the laptop keys as I tap away. Last night I lit 3 white candles and made 3 wishes: 1 for love, 1 for abundance, 1 for creativity. I let them burn until I went to sleep.
The veils are thin, we say at these times, meaning that the space between the physical and non-physical world is lessened. We can touch the things we cannot see.
Ever since I was a child I knew the world was full of extraordinary things that we couldn’t explain. As an adult, I’m privileged to experience many of them. The last few months have been full of them.
Which is not to say that it’s all been glorious days full of sunshine and joy. I won’t lie, the turbulent emotions I’ve felt the past 6 months have been really hard to navigate. I want to be better at it but it’s been ugly and messy and some days I just want to stay in bed and cry not do anything. Not because things are ‘bad’ but because I am outgrowing my old shell and sensitive and easily feel overwhelmed by it all.
I recently watched an interview with Jane Fonda about how she healed from bulimia where she quoted Tomas Jefferson “revolution begins in the muscles”. In the past 2 months, I’ve learned that here’s something so empowering to being physically strong. I hired a personal trainer when I returned from the UK and have been training with him 3 times a week since October. He’s a gentle soul with a cheeky grin when he’s about to make me do some extra-hard.
Much like with running, I had lots of stories in my head that lifting weights wasn’t for me. And I also knew I wanted to challenge myself and my body in a new way. After a month, I noticed some big differences. How much more at home in my body I felt. How much less I fought with food. How much stronger my immune system felt. How much easier it was to hold my boundaries. How much stronger I was, not just physically, but emotionally. Bonus: how toned my arms and bum suddenly were.
I have a feeling that lifting weights has become a direct accompaniment and reflection of the inner growth I have and continue to move through. In order to hold more of all the good things I have been manifesting lately, I’ve had to expand my ability to meet those things within my physical body. As without so within. I am becoming stronger in every way.
By some strange set of circumstances that can only be explained as kismet, I found myself in the office of a medium one November afternoon. A small Asian man with an American accent in his mid-40’s sat down opposite me with an open pad and paper and closed his eyes. I closed mine. A few minutes in a voice entered my thoughts. There is a feminine energy coming through, gentle, nurturing. Stop it Vienda, I thought. Let him do his job.
A few seconds later I open my eyes. He’s randomly scribbling shapes, lines, squiggles on his pad and says “There is a feminine energy coming through, gentle, nurturing. She feels like she comes from your mother’s line. She says she’s your grandmother.” He started sharing information from her as he channelled my Austrian Oma that no-one else could know, saying phrases and words that only she would say. Then another soul joins her. My Italian Papa comes through and tells me the intimate details of his death. The things I have never know but always wondered about. He calls me by all those familiar endearments I hold close to my heart and tears start to pour from my eyes feeling a combination of relief and love.
They leave me with a remarkable sense of closeness and promises that, with my permission, they want to take up more presence in my life. So many things from my childhood are explained and confirmed, apologies made, recognition given for the challenges I endured, and confirmation around what I am moving towards into the future.
For 3 weeks afterwards, I am left with a sense that I am mourning them in a way I never had been able to before. I am mourning the person I had to become to make it on my own, and I am mourning the person I am leaving behind now as I become more whole and clear in who I am and what I am here to do than ever.
Last week I went to see a clairvoyant channel an alien with messages for our planet. She said:
- The world stage may get even more hectic. You need to take care of yourself more than ever to stay grounded and centred in your body.
- Make self-care, rest and nourishing, strengthening and moving your body a priority to you can navigate these times. Don’t be afraid to take a day off when you feel you need to. Honour yourself in this way.
- You must let go of the old stories, narratives and not make excuses. Reliving the past and re-hashing old memories isn’t going to serve you anymore.
- You need to feel all your emotions fully. It is time to tear down the walls you have created to protect your heart and truly feel all of it.
- Make sure you lead with the heart and make all your decisions from the wisdom and intelligence of your heart and body. The mind is here to do the hearts work. Allow your heart to command the way. The poles are shifting and entering us diagonally directly through the heart now. This is the only way forward.
- We are at the leading edge of a new way on earth, a new consciousness. When we reach 51% consciousness we will tip over and everything will change. Be prepared. It will be akin to an energetic apocalypse.
I never used to do go see mediums of intuitives or clairvoyants. Not because I’m not a believer but because I didn’t feel the need for external input or validation. I prefer to listen to my own intuitive insights over others. But recently I’ve been led in this direction and it’s a confirmation and strengthening my resolve around leading with love and letting spirit guide me and being ok with things not making any sense for my mind.
So much magic happens when I let go of the steering wheel and this year has expanded me like none ever before. I feel like I’m preparing for the future. After 18 months of cutting my hair short, I’m letting it grow. It feels significant. My hair speaks volumes to what I am keeping and cutting out of my life. In October I started straightening my slowly-crowding teeth and loving the results which will be final in February. I’m getting stronger physically, emotionally, mentally. I’m working on 3 big, exciting projects including plannher and a rebrand for next year. The uncertainty of Brexit is encouraging deeper trust than ever as I take steps to return to the UK in March to make it my permanent home, the god’s willing. Everything is shifting.
It’s time to take a break. Low-key RSI in my right wrist from using my phone too much is a powerful reminder that all things require time off to bloom and grow which is exactly my intention. For the next two weeks, I’m deleting IG off my phone. I already did that with FB a month ago. And absorbing myself in laughter, sunshine, indulgent novels and beach time.
Until 2020, loves.
For some reason, the title reminds me of “under God’s eye” from The Handmaids Tale. Besides all the patriarchal domination “blessed be!” should be a daily greeting in my opinion.
In this case, however, Ojo de Dios or God’s eye is a ritual tool that is used for protection — a magical object — and an ancient cultural symbol evoking the weaving motif and its spiritual associations for the Huichol and Tepehuan Indians of western Mexico. The Huichol call their God’s Eyes Sikuli, which means “the power to see and understand things unknown.”
Ojo de Dios is a spiritual and votive object made by weaving a design out of yarn upon a wooden cross used and made by both Indigenous and Catholic peoples.
I was inspired by one of my many visits to Sayulita, always astounded by the many beautiful colours of the Ojo de Dios flapping in the wind against the bright blue skies, that I decided to make some myself and give them away as Christmas presents. Each one holds a precious little mantra that I sing as I weave to protect the receiver from the things he or she cannot see that may harm them.
How to have a very spiritual + sustainable Christmas with Ojo de Dios (God’s eye):
- Collect driftwood from your nearby beach or fallen sticks from a nearby forest.
- Choose a colour combination you like and purchase wool. Sometimes charity shops have wool leftovers so it’s worth checking there. Being in a developing country means that these sorts of things rarely go to waste so that’s not an option for me.
- Make a cross with two similarily shaped and long pieces of wood, and then tie then with a cross knot.
- Wind the wool around the first stick then across to the next one and around, and so on, and so forth until a pattern emerges.
- Change colours and how you want.
- Tie them together or keep them separate. It’s up to you!
- For my gifts, I’ve painted rainbows on watercolour board and folded them in half to serve as cards and tied 3 Ojos de Dios together to make a wall hanging for my friends.
- Wrap them in any leftover paper, newspaper or put them in fabric bags to give away.
Sometime things change faster than we expect them to. In those times I practice the art of being flexible and move with the changes. What doesn’t bend breaks…
Honestly, I couldn’t be happier. Every time my body touches UK soil the entirety of me opens up into a wide smile. I don’t know what it is about being here but it always just feels so good. For some reason, the UK is one of my soul’s homes.
So… I have a few days open and thought this could be a really fun opportunity to work with someone (maybe you?) in a face-to-face setting.
If you’re in (or around) London, and you’d like to hire me, here’s what I’m proposing:
— 1/2 day face-to-face meeting in London @ your office, your home, a cool cafe or co-working space, whatever location is most convenient for you.
During this meeting, we can:
☾ map out a creative plan/biz project/online course for something BIG you believe in;
☾ uncover key areas of your life you want to manifest, clear the blocks and outline an inspired action plan, OR
☾ map out where you are out of alignment in your life and find ways to tune into your inner guidance to help you live out your most authentic expression of yourself
We’ll spend about 5 hours together, I’ll treat you to lunch, and we’ll have a wonderful, productive time!
— £400 GBP for this creative intensive
— there are 4 spots available: Wednesday 11th, Friday 13th, Wednesday 25th and Friday 27th
If this sounds exciting to you… email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and please tell me:
— Which date you potentially want.
— Your preferred meeting location in London if you have one—otherwise, I’ll propose some.
— The top 3 things/projects that you’d like to focus on while we’re working together.
If you have a brand and want to collaborate, have me speak on your panel, run a workshop with your team or develop something else cool with me… I want to hear from you.
Even if you work at a book store, a clothing store… Run an event venue… Want to see me live or invite me to speak on your panel… email me at email@example.com.
I run workshops for biz’s and brands: for their team “women’s empowerment in the workplace” (and how that impacts productivity and creativity), “sustainable manifesting” (which is really about creating alignment in your life so you can flow and work through blocks) and “find your voice” (which is about creative expression and owning your purpose). Costs vary depending on size and length of the workshop that you want for your business, team or event space.