Vienda Maria

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Author: vienda

  • it’s been 10 years since I have spoken to my mother

    why love is not enough and the pain of walking away

    In August my birthday came and went.

    With it, for the first time since I wrote ‘It’s been 6 years since I spoke to my mama’ a familiar note arrived.

    It’s been four years.

    This time there is no subject line.

    Just text in the body of the email.

    Happy birthday Vienda 🎂 followed by a cake emoji.

    The pain of walking away from someone you love for the sake of self-preservation is one that never goes away.

    It ebbs and flows.

    Some days I feel deep compassion. Her life has not been an easy one.

    Some days I feel fierce anger. She could have done better.

    Some days I really want her to say:

    ~ sorry that I didn’t know how to parent you
    ~ sorry that I was not being able to be present for you or nurture you
    ~ sorry that I projected my anger, bitterness and frustration into you
    ~ sorry that I acted so righteous and like I had everything under control
    ~ sorry that my conditioning destroyed every relationship in my surroundings
    ~ sorry that I abandoned you as often as I did because I was terrified of being abandoned myself

    I want her to say

    Life is hard and I was faced with many challenges but I take responsibility for the ways that I handled them.

    I want her to admit that she’s not a victim but that her choices were a byproduct of circumstances.

    Sorry.

    I fucked up.

    Like everyone else.

    I did my best.

    I am not right.

    Or better than anyone.

    All my actions were attempts to protect myself and that is my fault. Not yours

    Sorry

    A therapist once told me that every every child wants to hear ‘I’m sorry’ and every parent wants to hear ‘Thank you’ and often neither gets either.

    A friend asked me if I could imagine ever having a relationship with my mother again.

    I always hope to, I replied. But it requires behaviour changes. What I need from her is to take full responsibility for herself and her actions.

    I reply to her email.

    thank you. I hope you are happy and well. happy birthday on the 23rd to you too.

    Trauma can be a wellspring of growth.

    Through the crucible of difficult relationships, I found unexpected healing.

    It took reaching a breaking point — a place of unbearable tension and rejection — to realize a fundamental truth: I am the guardian of my own well-being.

    When I finally accepted the absence of my mother’s mothering, the ensuing grief affirmed both my needs and my capacity for deep love.

    I could have chosen victimhood. I could have repeated her pattern.

    Instead, I embraced the painful work of feeling and healing.

    My goal has always been authenticity.

    To be at ease with myself, open to giving and receiving profound love. To face life with both tenderness and courage, unburdened by the past. To cultivate relationships with kindred spirits, where mutual trust and safety nurture shared vulnerability.

    It’s in this space — at the intersection of loss and love — that I’ve discovered my truest self.

    Unlearning self-protective habits is painful, but necessary.

    Healing often lies in doing the opposite of what once kept us safe. By embracing our raw authenticity, we allow ill-fitting relationships to fall away. It’s both a death and a rebirth.

    What emerges is rare and beautiful: feeling truly seen and loved by those who can hold all our complexity.

    The path to genuine connection requires us to trust our own worthiness, to risk opening our hearts. And sometimes, it means having the courage to walk away from relationships that require us to diminish ourselves.

  • where to now?

    winter is coming / maybe south? maybe more south? / a love-hate letter to Australia / a surf road-trip along the west coast of Europe / a catamaran trip around the world

    Maybe south. FranceSpainPortugal…and then?

    Maybe more south. IndiaIndonesiaAustralia…and then?

    ☞

    I am back in my little cabin in the southern part of the UK my furry shadow in the shape of a cat firmly pressing his little warm body against my side as I tap at my laptop keys willing little pieces of my heart out of my fingertips to share with you.

    My 8-month mentor training that you have been reading about across the past month started this week and I am in between live training calls today. The shift from externally facing business work and output to internally facing business doing the actual work is palpable. I notice that I have withdrawn from the clamour a little while I recalibrate.

    The weather outside is grey and wet. 17°C. Winter is coming.

    If I didn’t know I was leaving in three weeks I would be crying but instead, I am laughing because I am leaving three weeks. It was a fast and short six-week on-and-off summer here in the UK.

    An anticipated disappointment.

    This morning I spoke to a very nice car salesman who told me he would help me sell my car before I go.

    I’ve sold all my other furniture already, except for the desk and the bed. The rug that I have shipped across the world several times will get rolled up and put in storage in a friend’s garage with one other bag that will stay behind for now.

    Where to now?

    ☞

    Australia is a strange place.

    Not my home but sometimes the closest thing. Many formative years spent there have etched a love for the country.

    There is something about those endless skies, the vast open space, the scorching bright light. Everything is more alive, more wild, more dangerous. The ocean, the wildlife, the sun.

    Every beautiful thing has malice to it.

    As a young girl, I learned to be wary of long grasses and concealed foliage. At any moment something that wants to kill you might appear. Even now when I walk through gentle European landscapes my eyes search for evidence of a poisonous snake or spider, a magpie attack or a vicious lizard hidden somewhere.

    I have skills most of my friends don’t.

    I can open a coconut with a machete in three short hacks. I can identify most tropical fruits and herbs and can tell when something is good to eat. I can look at the ocean to determine whether it’s safe to swim and where, or not, based on the movement in the waters. I can walk barefoot on any ground, my feet instinctively finding safe pockets to balance on, without being marred by rough surfaces.

    Sometimes I watch people without the same wildness in their spirit clumsily fumble through nature being pitted by its elements and feel a superiority in my feral heart.

    Australia gave me to myself.

    It taught me to find peace and vibrancy in the terror and brutality of life.

    I miss the smell of the eucalyptus and the feel of the paper bark under my fingers. I miss the unbridled wildness and the freedom you can find when you get far enough away from civilisation. I miss the instant community formed through the shared obstacles of navigating this treacherous land.

    Australia.

    A country that is rough and raw and honest its bigotry and vacuity. That will readily opt for toxic positivity instead of squarely addressing what is truly going on. Punctuated by the cultural archetype of the “battler” — the idea that people should work hard to earn just enough to survive — is deeply ingrained in the national identity. With little room for more delicate and nuanced ways of being.

    I did find my people there.

    But they are not the average Australian. As they are not your average Brit or average European or average American. There is nothing average about the people I claim as mine.

    It’s been 10 years.

    I think of it often. More now, than before.

    ☞

    But Europe is my home, too.

    Europe gave me delicacy and refinement inaccessible elsewhere.

    A month ago I had a plan.

    A friend of mine and I were going to take our cars and meet in the north of France and slowly drive our way along the west coast. France, Spain, Portugal.

    An all-girl surf road trip. I figured, that by the time we arrived at the end, I’d have an answer to that question.

    Where to now?

    But then the plan changed.

    My friend could no longer go and I was left adrift in no man’s land wondering what better kismet plan the universe had in store for me.

    A good one, it turns out.

    Instead, I was invited to join a friend on a four x double-bedroom catamaran with my cat to sail around the world for six months or more. However long it takes and suits our tastes.

    In three weeks we will take a taxi to a port south of here, ferry to France, train to Paris, stay the night, fly to Menorca, board a catamaran and slowly sail south.

    From the Balearic Islands to Sicily, through the Greek Islands, onto Turkey, through the Suez Canal edging Egypt, into the Red Sea, to the Gulf of Aden, across the Arabian Sea, onto India, the Pacific, and more…

    I had never imagined I’d end up here but that’s the beauty of this life I have chosen.

    It is kismet.

    Contained by an ecstatic swell of destiny, accessible only by relaxing into the unknown.

  • how I taught myself to make my own life

    the unsexy truth about growth, expansion and creating an authentic life in a world that wants us to conform to a set structure

    I was a good girl for all of my childhood. Not because I was innately good. But because I quavered in the fear of ever-looming punishment from caregivers who were not self-regulated*.

    I secretly harboured the desire to run away. I tried, once, when I was 11. I was desperate to grow up so I could make my own decisions. I saw right through the lies the adults told incessantly day in, and day out. I wanted to make my own life.

    One day I was 17. I had finished school and left home without real-life skills. My maternal grandmother had spent years teaching me how to be a good girl so that one day I would marry and become a good wife. I could cook and clean and be pleasing.

    I had no self-esteem, no idea who I was, what I wanted, or even, what I liked.

    Those first few years of ‘adulthood’ were hard. I had no real support network and had to figure everything out on my own.

    So I tried lots of things and learned about myself.

    I loved dancing, but not drinking. I loved getting lost in nature, but not in cities. I loved drawing and writing, but not team sports. Except for ultimate frisbee which brought out a competitive streak I didn’t know I had. I loved deep conversations, but not small talk. I was ‘bubbly’ to cover my social anxiety. I was a dreamer and a drifter, who had no solid plans or aims or direction.

    So I travelled: Australia, Austria, Italy, England.

    I worked as a waitress, as a nanny, at an ice cream shop, and in a bar (which I quickly quit because not only do I not like drinking I hate drunk people). I worked as a temp, as a receptionist at a glossy magazine, and as the secretary for a prominent film editor.

    Then, on a particularly cold winter day in London, a few months after turning 20 I decided to study psychology in the hottest place I could find. That hot place was a small university in the northern tropics edged by The Great Barrier Reef in Australia in the jungle.

    Like many more remote places in Australia, it was backwards unsophisticated and coarse. But I loved it.

    I loved that my professors wandered the campus with long, wild hair and no shoes. I loved that they were honest about who they were (hippies) and why they were there (to get funding for their studies and theories). I loved that I lived a few blocks away from the Coral Sea. I loved that the summers were unspeakably hot until the rains came and when the rain did come it poured in buckets. I loved that winter wear was one measly sweater that got pulled out for three weeks per year. I loved that, in our free time, my friends and I chased waterholes and waterfalls and rainforest walks and secret parties in the bush. I loved that this was where I found yoga, magic mushrooms, and EDM**.

    Spending so much time connecting to nature, both human nature and the natural world around us, I observed something.

    inhale = expansion
    exhale = contraction

    growth = expansion
    introspection = contraction

    creativity = expansion
    discipline = contraction

    life = expansion
    death = contraction

    Each expansion is coupled with a contraction.

    That’s what we’ve got to get comfortable with. That’s the bit we have to embrace. We can’t hold our breath forever. We can’t have expansion without contraction.

    During my studies, I learned that the subconscious mind is a goal-serving mechanism. That when you give it direction it will come up with solutions. I decided that, if I did indeed want to make my life like I promised myself as a little girl, I would have to come up with a formula I could follow to create an authentic life in a world that wants us to conform to a set structure.

    I believe in human agency and our creative power.

    And I also believe in the kismet assertion that parts of our lives are contained by an ecstatic swell of destiny, only accessible by surrender.

    How does that work?

    ~ can we both have direction AND surrender?

    ~ can we step up AND step back?

    The formula that works for me, is seen in the following 4 steps:

    1. listen
    2. trust
    3. follow
    4. repeat

    by listen, I mean:

    • getting SO close to yourself, you can hear your truth
    • becoming able to feel the whisper of your heart (contraction and expansion)

    by trust, I mean:

    • faith – feeling supported by something bigger (reality, universe, god, life)
    • selfholding – knowing that whatever happens, you have got yourself

    by follow, I mean:

    • taking every necessary step to make it happen
    • committing to the process, no matter how hard, difficult or painful

    by repeat, I mean:

    • keep checking in, is it still true? has it changed?
    • if it’s still true, continue. if not, change.

    This type of surrender is not about sitting back.

    It is about active engagement, continuous tuning in, and following the signposts.

    Once I figured out my formula I discovered that staying on course with my authentic truth in this world doesn’t come naturally. When we’re bombarded by cynicism and criticism and negativity, it’s not easy to smile and shake it off with a sigh and soften back into my own direction.

    It is truly radical to chart your soul’s true path.

    New levels of growth, require new levels of approach. So I reached for sturdier support to hold me.

    1. decide

    Only you can make your life. No accreditation*** or external validation is going to be able to do that for you. It is all down to you. You have to decide. You have to decide what you want. You have to decide that you are worthy of it.

    2. be flexible

    Realign and experiment as many times as it takes. Sometimes, maybe because you’ve been blindsided by limiting beliefs, you haven’t allowed yourself to go deep within to explore what you’re intuitively capable of. Try again. Go deeper. Ask for more.

    3. be bold and daring

    Doubts and fears can cripple our ability to act. It takes courage to walk your own path. Courage is cumulative. And it requires releasing your doubts and fears and allowing yourself to attune to positive, high vibrational, creative energy. There are so many methods for that. I personally often reach for applied kinesiology.

    4. generational rewiring

    Many of the self-concepts we hold are predetermined by generational conditioning. These limit us from living our authentic lives. If I had not devoted myself to rewiring my makeup I’d be an inauthentically unhappy ‘good wife’ right now.

    5. loving compassion

    No long-lasting change has ever come from force or coercion. The only way through is with tremendous tenderness, warmth and compassion.

    6. intuition

    We are all energetically unique. To make your own life you need to bypass the rational mind and connect straight to your energy source: the source of all inspiration and intuition. I do this by having self-dates where I simmer in my own energy or as I heard someone call it recently be in vibrational alignment with myself.

    7. believe that you are more powerful than you know

    It’s all down to you and how you express your energy in a way that is creative and powerful. One of the fastest ways to realign your energy is through the practices of presence and gratitude. There, you enter the quantum field, and everything becomes possible.

    8. be discerning

    Not everything or everyone is for you. Some people, places and things will uplift and expand you. Others will destroy you. Choose wisely.

    Vienda ♥

    *Self-regulation is the ability to manage one’s emotions, thoughts, and behaviours effectively in different situations, allowing for more measured responses rather than impulsive reactions.

    **Electronic Dance Music

    ***Accreditation can, however, boost your self-esteem and confidence enough to give you the courage needed to take the steps necessary for creating your life.

    Some recommend reading:

    15 ways to get clients as a mentor: No, you don’t have to use social media if you don’t want to.

    There IS more to this world. We exist in a particularly delicate precipice of change and transformation. If you’re here, reading this, you will have felt it. (Why we need each other now more than ever and how the TMT accreditation and assessment process helps you become a confident and responsible mentor.)

    Your journey is your greatest asset. And the ONE thing you need to be an impactful and effective mentor, teacher, coach or healer.

    Some recommend listening:

    What does living a creative and intuitively led life look like? Listen to me share my take on this in this week’s episode of Amy Lea’s ‘Unreasonable’ podcast.

  • when the urge to leave… stops

    Part journal entry, part example of how I reparent my inner child and regulate a fearful subconscious, part break-up letter, part invitation. It’s all in there! 😮‍💨

    When a woman ends a relationship, she begins grieving the end of it, long before she leaves it.

    Perhaps that is how women do most things. Feel them first. Act on them last.

    ☞

    I am at the tail end of an unusually hushed week for a mid-summer month.

    A week swimming with incomplete to-do lists and notes, extended walks in the woods, visits to the farm shops, and long days filled with writing content marketing for the final enrolment of The Mentor Training. In preparation for a week south by the sea in France where I will have fewer chances to make it to my laptop to work. Punctuated by pauses where I took my clothes off and lay naked on the ground to take in sun and soil.

    I spent July and August getting to know this land and its people in the way I had always hoped to. I wandered every walking trail I could find. Got lost several times for hours. Was rescued once by a stranger who took pity on me after I roamed three hours in the wrong direction and drove me back home. Went to a couple of local music festivals. Met locals, new and old.

    I got to know the community and to understand this place in the world.

    It confirmed to me that it is not mine.

    Place matters. The vibe and people of a place influence. The wrong place can corrode a life. The right place can enhance and flourish it.

    This place is in a different season than mine.

    Made up of young families or young people still living with their parents or adults who are well into their elder years. My enchantment with Forest Row has failed to meet me. I’m too young for the oldies and too untethered for the families. I reconcile this through conversations with those who share my current season in life. All of them seek a place that nourishes their spirits elsewhere.

    It’s sweet and easy to be here, we agree, but it gives little, and are we starving.

    I know home is less a place than a state of being. Home, really, is when the urge to leave… stops

    ☞

    Today, after three weeks of sun and warmth a light rain has settled in. It’s that soft mist familiar only to the UK.

    Every sunny day here is so treasured. It does not have the same reliable abundance of summer as other places. Instead, a spartan scarcity of sunlight.

    I noticed it in particular two years ago when I was visiting from Mallorca.

    A dreary, grey, depression had swept across the country. London, which I had fallen in love with in my 20s for its rebellious joyful expression via a melting pot of music, fashion and culture, had become dulled.

    My friends tell me the cause is political and socioeconomic.

    When I fell in love with this country it was in arms with the E.U. allowing trading, migration and shared regulations. As a European, this provided me with the freedom to jump borders when and as often as I wanted to. Life here was (mostly) sweet. I made the UK a home base, flowing in and out of the country at will, whenever I needed a soft landing.

    After Brexit the gritty underbelly of racism and colonialism rose to the surface, the country became grim.

    I have had to commit to a certain number of years (three) within a certain time frame (five) to be able to remain. Even then, there is no certainty.

    I think my love affair with the UK has ended.

    ☞

    This part, as much of this article, has been pulled directly from the pages of my journal.

    I’ve been grieving it for a while.

    I will come back for visits. Or practical reasons. My car and business are both registered here for the time being. But that’s it.

    This country and I have reached completion.

    We are not compatible despite the love between us.

    I am curious to discover what is next for us. Danger-baby, Punto-the-car, and me. My little family of three. Where are we going to end up, I wonder?

    My intention for the rest of this year is that it has got to be easy. Sweet and easy. Ease is leading the way, everything else is falling away.

    Having written that, I have come to realise that the recurring lower back and hip pains I’ve been experiencing have to do with home and safety.

    It started when I left Brighton in 2021 to move to Mallorca — a chronic pain that I rarely shared about which persisted during those 18 months — and then subsided on my return mid-last year. The UK has always symbolised safety. A place I am familiar with. Now that I am aware that this perceived safety is going to change my body is making my unconscious fear known to me with the return of this pain. Pain that I ease each day through mindful movement.

    Thank you body. I hear you. I feel you. I acknowledge you.

    I have an ongoing yearning for home as a safe external environment in which I can relax and thrive. A big part of choosing where to live is being conscious and clear-eyed about the inevitable tradeoffs. There’s no perfect place. Just a set of trade-offs I’m more willing to make.

    I am doing the dance necessary to make manifest any desire:

    — showing up to the practicalities in the ways that I can
    — holding the vision and vibe high
    — trusting and surrendering

    Back to the subject of home… from me to me.

    Darling body. Thank you so much for communicating with me so clearly. I love you so much and am in awe of you every day.

    Darling younger self, inner child and subconscious. I know how easily you feel scared and unsafe due to childhood circumstances. I am so sorry that was your reality. And… I am an adult now. I’ve got you. I will always keep you safe. I have the deep understanding, emotional and intellectual intelligence, and resources to do so. Unlike your caregivers when you were little. I love you. All my choices are centred around your expansion, growth, joy, freedom and well-being. Always.

    Place matters. And the yearning and seeking for the ‘right’ place, matter too.

    ☞

    Younger self and shadow work play a big role in my work and my self-growth. They are both included in the methods I use with private clients.

    I sometimes am asked to explain shadow work.

    It is the beautiful inner work of making the unconscious conscious. The parts of ourselves that we hide: our fears, guilt, shame, anger, secret desires or pleasures, the things we lie about. To fit into society/survive/belong. This kind of inner work enables you to be your authentic self thus increasing your personal power and well-being because you’re not hiding anything.

    Work with me 1:1 here.

  • monday blues are real

    Every single day of the week has a different vibe. And when you know how to harness the energy of the days of the week and make them work for you, your entire life changes.

    I woke up on Monday bone-tired. Had I been running around as the green fae in a secret treasure hunt and staying up late at a festival all weekend? Yes, I had.

    But still… I am also no longer in my 20’s where I can whimsically shirk all responsibilities. Nor do I want to.

    (I feel this particular topic is owed an article all of its own as I have a lot of thoughts and opinions about moving away from the cult of youth and flourishing at every age and how we are evolving in this current moment of our collective consciousness where old paradigms and expectations no longer fit, but that’s not for today. I’ll circle back to that another time.)

    Then I remembered it was Monday and that I am allowed to rest!

    We don’t flailingly and aimlessly live and feel the way we do without reason. There are a whole host of influencers impacting how you feel, and what you do, every day. Your emotions, if you have slept, your last conversation, the sun, moon and stars, and the energy of the days of the week all play an important role too.

    One thing that we often overlook is that each day of the week brings with it a unique vibe, atmosphere and energy.

    Have you ever wondered why Monday feels like such a drag?

    It’s because Monday is influenced by the Moon and the vibe is all about quiet introspection and being alone. But in our world Monday is the first day of the working week and we are expected to feel like we are full of beans (even when we are not).

    You know how people get really excited about Friday?

    It’s not because everyone hates their job and wants to run around shouting “FRIYAY!” at the top of their lungs. It’s because Friday is influenced by the planet Venus and the vibe is all about excitement, socializing, beauty and romance. It’s an upbeat energy compared to low-key Monday.

    Every single day of the week has a different vibe. And when you know how to harness the energy of the days of the week and make them work for you, your entire life changes. Instead of pushing against the current, you’ll flow with it.

    Here’s how it works:

    DAY: MONDAY 🌙

    PLANET: MOON

    VIBE: Get in touch with your feelings, be mindful of your moods, purify your surroundings, practice compassion.

    Monday is a moon day, and so we are dealing with emotions, moods, intuition and the shadowy side of life. Many people report Monday as the most challenging day of the week. It’s no wonder, as the moon carries with it erratic and sometimes unpredictable energy. If you are not a fan of Monday, there may be some underlying emotional energy that you are struggling to deal with. It helps to spend some time being introspective and journaling about what is coming up for you. This lets our logical mind know “where we stand” in a metaphorical sense.

    Best tasks for Mondays: Meditation, dream analysis, planning, quiet time, personal indulgence, rest, relaxation, sleep.

    I hold my CEO day on a Monday for both my life and my business.

     

    DAY: TUESDAY 🔥

    PLANET: MARS

    VIBE: Express your passion, get some exercise, release pent up frustration/energy.

    Tuesday is influenced by the planet Mars, which is an aggressive planet. In fact, its namesake in Greek myth was the god of war. Tuesday is a driving force in the workweek and will auger a sense of productivity, competition, effectiveness, determination and completion. With these kinds of energies in the forefront, Tuesday is the perfect day for finishing long overdue tasks. Conversely, Tuesday is also a great day to start new projects.

    Best tasks for Tuesdays: Building strategies at work and in career, marketing, acting on new ideas, starting new projects, cleaning out clutter, exercising, finishing to-do lists or catching up.

    As the ‘official’ first work day of my week, I use Tuesdays to bite a chunk out of my ‘to-dos’. It’s generally one of my most outward-facing productive days of the week. Projects, emails, and urgent tasks all get piled into this one day. I block-task my days so this creates space in the week for other commitments.

    DAY: WEDNESDAY 💬

    PLANET: MERCURY

    VIBE: Study, travel, research, meditate, teach, talk, write, hold meetings.

    Wednesday is ruled by Mercury who is the messenger of the heavens. It facilitates clear communication and carries new information to our awareness in extremely precise and effective ways. Mercury also augers higher perception too. I love the synchronicity of Wednesday landing in the middle of the week because it gives a pervasive sense of connectivity. In a way, Wednesday is the vital communications link to all other days – it’s like the network server of the week (to use computer terms).

    Best tasks for Wednesdays: Communication of course! Catch up on emails, thank you notes, letters, phone calls, etc. Wednesday is a good day to sign contracts (that is, if Mercury is not in a retrograde) too. Mercury is also a beneficent energy for short travel, so plan your day trips accordingly.

    Wednesdays for me are for meetings, group mentoring calls and private clients. Because I made space on Tuesday and can focus on these solely on this day.

    DAY: THURSDAY 🪐

    PLANET: JUPITER

    VIBE: Make a point to feel gratitude and positivity from the moment you wake up, as this is going to help you leap forward throughout the day.

    Thursday belongs to Jupiter, the planet of positivity and expansion, making it the perfect time to learn new things and expand your consciousness. A survey concludes Thursday is the most productive day of the week in business. It’s no wonder, as Jupiter has a way of lighting a fire under us and getting us moving. Jupiter is the planet of enterprise and expansion. It’s also an extremely optimistic planetary energy that can be felt all through the day on Thursdays when we tune into it.

    Best tasks for Thursdays: Socializing, networking, marketing. Working with financial tasks such as the stock market or even balancing accounts will lead to positive results in the long term when done on Thursdays while ruminating in Jupiter energy.

    Often, I also see private clients on Thursdays as well as carve out time for copywriting, marketing and more of the fun creative aspects of running my business.

    DAY: FRIDAY ♥️

    PLANET: VENUS

    VIBE: Appreciate the people in your life, go on a date, show your love, recognize beauty, make new friends. Enjoy fashion and creative pursuits.

    Friday is the day of Venus, the planet of love and creativity, which makes it the perfect day to connect with others and relax. We all know Venus energy, and when it comes to the symbolic meaning of days, Venus is a highly appropriate vibe for Friday, the traditional end-of-the-workweek day. Venus is about love, connection, belonging, comfort, sensuality and passion. If you think about it, most people who have traditional Monday – Friday workweeks tend to let their hair down and celebrate on Fridays (points for kicking off the weekend too). Friday is an all-around feel-good day, replete with the energy of friendliness and kindness. Interestingly, Friday is also the most popular (romantic) date night.

    Best tasks for Fridays: Romance, romance, romance! Did I mention romance? Fridays are also perfect for expressing your love amidst friends and family. This is a great day for pleasure and appreciation, so trips to places that make you feel indulged, luxurious or pampered are good too (like a spa, salon, the movies, a jewellery store).

    I generally take Fridays off from work and instead plan Venusian things that fill up my cup. Buy flowers, go on a date, go to a gig, get my hair cut (or cut it myself as I have been prone to lately), see friends, go to the beach or on a road trip.

    DAY: SATURDAY ⏰

    PLANET: SATURN

    VIBE: Tackle some big projects that need doing and take time out of your day to get organised for the week ahead.

    Saturday is the day of Saturn, the day of taking responsibility and getting organised. Saturn can be a stern energy and a real taskmaster too. This makes Saturday one of the most advantageous days of the week because the opportunity for productivity and completing tasks is optimal. Unlike Thursday/Jupiter however, Saturn isn’t as jovial when working to get the job done. Saturdays are best put to use when we thoroughly plan for prevention. Preparing for the week ahead on Saturday will align our Saturn energies and bring about satisfactory results for each consecutive day in the week.

    Best tasks for Saturday: Housework, preparation for upcoming events, academic tasks like studying and homework, catching up on a backlog of work.

    On Saturdays, I’m found behind my laptop for the morning. Answering any emails left from the week (I aim for inbox zero when I can) and tying up loose strings from projects, clients and commitments. I’ll look through my love to-do list in my Plannher and make sure everything is ticked off or rearranged before my weekend begins on Saturday afternoon.

    DAY: SUNDAY 🌞

    PLANET: SUN

    VIBE: Make today a day for rest and relaxation. Try not to schedule anything too demanding or high energy on Sunday and instead, take the time to connect to your inner radiance.

    Sunday is the day of the Sun, a perfect day for relaxing, unwinding and connecting with your inner self. Sunday is notorious throughout time and cultures as being a day of rest, the sun shines brightly on our Sundays with clarity, vitality and a sense of well-being. This day is optimal for soaking up some social warmth by being with family, friends and neighbours. It’s also a perfect day to catch up on our rest and relaxation. The sun is all about radiance, sharing, expressing, expanding, illumination and growth. The sun is also about provision, as it ensures the continuation of life as we know it.

    Best tasks for Sunday: Rest, relaxing, having fun with loved ones, gardening, grocery shopping, cooking and worship for the purpose of illumination.

    Sunday, Monday and Friday are my favourite days. Honestly, even though I love my job sometimes I think I wouldn’t work if I did not have to. I’d love to be super floaty and have zero obligations! And on Sunday, I get permission to do exactly that. It’s a ‘me day’ where I limit plans and commitments to only things I absolutely adore.

     

    Before I go…

    Remember, these energies are subtle guides, not strict rules. The real magic happens when you tune into your own rhythms and needs.

    Why not experiment with aligning your life and tasks to these cosmic vibes? You might just find your week flowing with newfound ease and joy!

    What’s your favourite day of the week? Let me know in the comments, and I’ll give you examples of how you can use its energy this week!

  • ask vienda anything n° 2

    female founder — my enterprising journey: the timeline, challenges & lessons from a soft, gentle, feminine businessperson

    I recently sent out this q&a (please, keep sending in your questions) and received many questions asking how I run a soft, gentle, feminine-led business.

    Things like…

    “what are your tips on selling?”

    “how do you handle taking risks?”

    “do ever struggle with being seen?”

    “what is your secret behind writing great copy?”

    “what are the neg. aspects of running a business?”

    “how do you define and create financial security?”

    “how do you expand your capacity for increased success?”

    my story • a timeline

    2013 — the beginning

    The first couple of years were the hardest. It was the throw spaghetti at the wall and see what sticks phase.

    I created & promoted free challenges, giveaways, workshops, anything. (To my random little audience of 300.)

    I co-created with women who were ahead. slowly, my concept grew.

    In my spare time learned, learned, learned; business podcasts, books, YouTube videos, PDFs – anything I could get my hands on.

    I stayed in developing countries. hello: Mexico, Guatemala, Nicaragua and Costa Rica (back when they were all still really cheap).

    And then San Francisco and Venice in L.A.

    I lived off savings and took on copywriting and social media contracts to support myself when I ran out of cash.

    2015 — the real beginning

    I remember reading that if your business isn’t making money, then it’s just an expensive hobby. Those words always stayed with me.

    By the end of 2014, I had a roster of clients and a live program. My business was finally supporting me.

    In 2015 I created my first ever online course that made AUD $10,000 (because I had started my business in Australia with an Australian bank account) which I filmed in my friend’s bathroom in Bali (best lighting, cute tile aesthetic) with the relentless roosters crowing in the background.

    I lived in New Zealand and Bali and travelled through Southeast Asia then ended up in Canada with my partner.

    2017 — the cruise

    The tremendous time and energy investment into my business started to level out.

    I didn’t have to work as hard to get in front of audiences, sell courses and sign clients. I was cruising and it felt good. All that effort was worth it.

    I developed 4 more online courses. I taught a 2-day live workshop in London. I out-earned my partner. I left my partner.

    I moved to a 2-bedroom casita in the jungle on the Pacific Coast of Mexico.

    2020 — the peak

    I moved to the seaside town of Brighton in the U.K. to pursue my dream of creating Plannher with a European print house.

    The global panini happened.

    Everyone seemed to have disposable cash and time and I was the busiest I had ever been. I had my first ÂŁ10,000 month. I was fully booked out. I had over 100 attendees in my online courses.

    Looking at the figures, 2020 and 2021 were big, bountiful beautiful years.

    Looking at my mental health, I was quickly deteriorating.

    Late 2021 I moved to the Mediterranean island of Mallorca to escape the cold British winter.

    2022 — the crash

    I felt dizzy, confused and disabled.

    Anxiety arose out of nowhere. The energy to create and show up to my work and business was radically diminished. I questioned whether I could go on.

    I burnt out.

    By 2023 I crashed.

    And took my foot off the gas. Slowed everything right down. I returned to the U.K. for the soft cocoon of this mothering land.

    And took the year off working as minimally as possible. I dipped into my savings.

    It still surprises me that I made ÂŁ22,000 working 5-10 hours a week that year.

    And I listened:

    • I needed financial stability (safety)
    • I needed to change my relationship to online visibility
    • I needed to break my addiction to the fast rush of social media

    2024 — flowering anew

    I took my time.

    No force, no pressure, I allowed myself to be moved forward in my business by the gentle nudges of life. An aliveness seeped in. Innovative solutions landed.

    The energy, the pulse and my confidence in myself and my work gently returned.

    So many lessons were learned. Let’s get into those now.

    the lessons • what I know now

    • Some years are flush and others are poor. Trust that there’s a bigger picture at play. Limitless growth is not linear or sustainable. You’ve got to know when something is enough… And save for your fuck off fund. (Lucky I did.)

       

    • There are 5 major functions of a business:
    1. product/service development
    2. customer service
    3. accounting
    4. operations
    5. marketing

     

    • Have either weekly or bi-monthly CEO days. This is when I overview all the various moving pieces and work on my business instead of in it. It’s taking an objective perspective on what is working, what is not, and what I want and need to do to move the needle forward. I normally do this on a Monday.

     

    • 50% of my job is to be a marketer. No one, no matter how good they say they are, can market your products or services for you. I know because I hired someone in 2022 and lost a lot of money in doing so. My business. My responsibility. (The other 50% is everything else, incl. overseeing and managing support and delivering my products and services.)

     

    • Feel genuine appreciation for the financial, location and creative freedoms this venture has given me. Including the intoxicating ability to make a positive difference in this world.

     

    • Less is more. Focus on the 20% of the 80/20 that produces revenue.
    1. get in front of new audiences and encourage referrals and sharing
    2. content marketing (emails/podcasts/social media)
    3. build and nurture community
    4. sell

     

    • Create and lean on systems and structures that make showing up to my “job” easy. Have clear practices & routines; use productivity tools so you don’t have to reinvent the wheel each time.

     

    • Say “no” more than I say “yes”. And be discerning with those yes’s.

     

    • What hurts the most? What are my biggest hopes? Dreams? Desires? Fears? Understanding that is understanding my prospective clients and students because you are like me.

     

    • Sharing the solutions that solve those problems (above) is what creates sales.

     

    • Dream. Plan. Set aims. Follow through. Rinse. Repeat.

     

    • Don’t give your power away.

     

    p.s.: some recommended reading

    • I once had a client who was obsessed with buying toilet paper.

      Her biggest fear every single day was that she might run out of toilet paper.

      So every day, on her way home, she would buy (another) pack of toilet paper. A story about a private client; on clients’ presenting problems; using your insight (intuition); who our clients are; fear of not standing out or being unique enough to succeed; and more… Read it here.

    • Your tools can be replicated… Whether it’s Reiki, coaching, mentoring, yoga teaching, or breathwork— right now, thousands of practitioners are using these same techniques. Here’s what cannot be replicated: the unique way YOU relate to these tools. Your personal experiences, your intuition, your voice. These are what make your practice truly one-of-a-kind. It’s not about the tools themselves, but how you give them shape and voice in your work. Read it here.
    • You yearn for a more intuitive way to help, a heart-centred approach that honours the unique journey. Deep down, you know there’s more to facilitating true healing than what traditional programs offer. As practitioners, we find ourselves armed with tools that barely scratch the surface, ill-equipped to dive into the depths where real transformation occurs. It’s a disheartening realisation. That our training or lack thereof may be holding us back from offering the profound, holistic support our clients truly need. But what if there was a different way? Read it here.

  • my european summer carry-on top 10

    ☀ a list of the most excellent, wonderful and important things that I take with me on summer trips incl. the pièce de résistance which is obviously what I am reading this summer.

    The Carry-On Bag. If you’ve ever sweated the excruciatingly tight baggage allowance of cheap inter-euro flights then you know how annoying it is to find a bag that is just the right size with plenty of space for all the things. Last year after my favourite leather backpack found its mortal end I had to find something to replace it and I dare venture that I did find the perfect and sacrificially practical replacement. The Borderlite Travel Underseat Cabin Approved Backpack in blue has become my saving grace. The front pocket even fits my notebooks, laptop and pens, so my mobile office is always with me.

    ☀

    The Sunscreen. When I told a friend of mine that I don’t believe in sunscreen except for at times like when I was getting burned in the shade in Africa she said “You don’t believe in the science about sunscreen?” and I replied hooking my fingers into air quotes when I said the word science “No, I don’t believe in the “science” which is paid for by marketing companies.” Sun = quite literally life. You just have to know how to use it respectfully. I always have a hat with me in case I feel those rays are a bit too strong, and sometimes when I need it, I use physical mineral sunscreen. My favourite is Everybody Loves the Sunshine Zinc Beach Balm. For rushed moments I also have a Sun Bum stick in my bag at all times.

    ☀

    The Makeup. The beauty of summer is that bronzed skin, glowing eyes and flushed cheeks don’t require any additions. But for a bit more fun I think a slick of mascara or rouge on the lips is all that is needed. I’ve mentioned my favourites in my ‘love list’ here.

    ☀

    The Headphones. Alongside my boring old original wired headphones that need an adaptor to plug into any new Apple phone, I have my beloved Sennheiser Momentum 2 Wireless Over-Ear Headphones in White. I bought them as a gift to myself years ago and they are still one of my most beloved and cherished purchases. The sound quality is schmick as my DJ friends say and I love that they have noise cancellation. Here’s the more recent version of the Sennheiser Momentum in white.

    ☀

    The Toothbrush. My electric Oral B is on its last legs and the things that annoy me the most about it are that it requires constant charging and the charging unit is big and bulky. I do love that electric-toothbrush-only squeaky clean feeling though. So when a friend recommended this £10 alternative whose charge lasts a whole 30 days and can be charged in any USB charging unit I had to try it. The sensation, if you’re accustomed to the circular movement of more traditional electric toothbrushes, is weird at first but it does leave my teeth feeling just as, if not more clean, and I have come to love this toothbrush.

    ☀

    The Deodorant. I will never stop raving about this deodorant because it is both very natural and very effective and I only have to put it on every 4-ish or so days which I love even more and a tube lasts me about a year. It smells like nothing (?) until it starts to wear off and then you smell like you again instead of nothing. Essentially I think it’s the silver in the product that neutralises any smells and I am here for it. I bought a family pack after my first discovery four years ago, gave one tube away to a friend who also can’t stop raving about it now, and I still have two tubes left. I never ever ever want to be without it. The best deodorant.

    ☀

    The Dress(es). Due to a delicate nervous system, I get decision fatigue easily and so what works for me is packing no more than 5 options. My dresses currently in circulation are all from Rouje, Faihtful The Lable, Auguste The Label and Reformation, all bought pre-loved. I’ve written before about what is inside my closet as well as my ultimate guide for preloved online shopping.

    ☀

    The Bikinis. As above, all my bikinis are treasures from Hunza G, Rouje, Spell & The Gypsy Collective, and Faithful The Label that I have virtually unearthed from others’ discard piles.

    ☀

    The Towel. I love a Turkish towel, a light and simple piece of linen to sit on on the beach or by the pool. The one I have now I bought from a street-seller in South Africa so I have no links to that one but maybe when you go on some travels of your own you will find one.

    ☀

    The Books. Ahhh, the pièce de rÊsistance is obviously what I am reading this summer. My current selection is:

    It’s just come to my awareness that I haven’t written a ‘favourites’ book line-up since this one from the summer of 2021. Do you think it’s time for an update? Let me know in the comments below.

  • a letter to my dead father

    There’s a new wisdom in me now. A patience I’ve not known before. I’m no longer forcing the future into being.

    “Your Papa, is he ok?” she falters, the words fragmented in her French accent.

    “Se morte, he’s dead,” I reply, hoping my Spanish-to-French translation makes sense.

    “Oui, I know but, ah…” looking for words she does not have in a language unfamiliar to her.

    I nodded. She wanted me to look into my relationship with him, to check in with him across the cosmic ether between the living and the dead.

    It was my fourth day in the South of France in a villa tucked in the mountains behind Nice.

    The bodywork this healer had just given me felt mostly energetic, subtly infused in long repetitive strokes across my naked body, loosening and wakening the tight parts, the coiled inside themselves parts, the parts that had hardened to protect me from life’s rough edges.

    ☞

    This morning, I found myself back in the U.K. – a land so dreary and cold, even in the heart of July, that I’ve christened it ‘Mordor’. The irony isn’t lost on me.

    I reached for my journal.

    First, I immersed myself in the celestial dance, jotting down notes on the week’s astrological forecast. Then, with a deep breath, I turned to a fresh page.

    And there, in the quiet of the morning, I began to write to my father. Words flowed, bridging the gap between worlds.

    “Ciao, Papa.” I began…

    Though my pen hasn’t formed words for him in years, his presence lingers, a constant whisper in the air around me. In quiet moments, I find myself reaching out, seeking his guidance. His spirit, a silent partner in my decision-making, a comforting presence I turn to in times of need.

    Tears blurred my vision as I wrote, a familiar ache settling in my chest. The weight of a lifetime unshared pressed down on me, heavy with missed opportunities. A flicker of resentment burned towards my mother, whose actions had carved a chasm between us.

    I often found myself wondering if more time together might have changed everything. Perhaps he wouldn’t have met his fate, alone, navigating that serpentine mountain road in Sardinia, when I was just a ten-year-old girl, worlds away.

    I poured my heart onto the page – my musings, aspirations, and visions for the future. Then, pen hovering, I asked if he had any wisdom to impart or requests to make. Closing my eyes, I let the stillness envelop me, waiting for that familiar whisper of inspiration.

    Suddenly, words flowed through me, as if my hand had a mind of its own:

    You and your dreams are important and valid. Don’t minimise or downplay them because they are unlike those of the majority. You are carving out a new way for people with your essence and Being. I am always here. Helping and guiding you.

    ☞

    Those five sun-soaked days already feel like a distant dream. I can still feel the warmth deepening the brown of my skin, taste the juice of ripe summer fruits – peaches, cherries, melons – running down my chin. Those five days in southern France with my surrogate family awakened something primal in me. A reminder of my Mediterranean soul, forever tethered to sun and sea.

    Yet, duty calls me back to this grey land, for now.

    It’s curious, though. After being caught in a karmic whirlpool the past few years that stripped away my old self, I’ve emerged with remarkable clarity. The path ahead shimmers with possibility, my motivation and inspiration at an all-time high.

    There’s a new wisdom in me now. A patience I’ve not known before. I’m no longer forcing the future into being. Instead — I’m engaged in a delicate dance with destiny — part trust, part inspired action.

    The rest of this year is going to be filled with miracles. I can feel it.

    They’re waiting in the wings, ready to unfold.

  • enough

    my life of “it’s enough” instead of “I want more”

    We’ve swallowed the lie whole. It’s in our bones now.

    Our egos have been programmed into the structure.

    This relentless pursuit of more. Always more. Your benchmark keeps changing. You never reach the finish line. The wanting never ends.

    In this capitalist world that constantly whispers “more, more, more”, standing still and saying “I have enough” feels like a rebellion. A quiet revolution of the soul.

    At a party given by a billionaire on Shelter Island, Kurt Vonnegut informs his pal, Joseph Heller, that their host, a hedge fund manager, had made more money in a single day than Heller had earned from his wildly popular novel Catch-22 over its whole history.

    Heller responds, “Yes, but I have something he will never have — enough.”

    enough kms/steps walked

    enough friendships

    enough discipline

    enough money

    enough clothes

    enough love

    enough joy

    enough

    There is a certain magic in embracing enough.

    It’s the moment you stop struggling against the current and simply float. Suddenly, you realise the river’s been carrying you all along.

    As we meet mid-year, I’m learning to trust in the existing abundance.

    I’m tuning into the rhythm of sufficiency that beats in every cell of my body. It’s a gentle pulse that says, “You are enough. You have enough. This moment is enough.”

    In the soft light of dawn, in the quiet moments between breaths, in the space between thoughts — that’s where I’m finding my enough. It’s not a destination, but a way of being — a lens through which to view the world.

    A life of abundance disguised as simplicity. A life of richness measured not in things, but in moments. A life of recognising that the cup isn’t half full or half empty – it’s overflowing, if only we have eyes to see it.

    In this noisy world that’s always clamouring for more, let’s be the ones who dare to whisper “enough”. Let’s be the ones who find infinity in a grain of sand, and eternity in a wildflower.

    Because when we know we are enough, we have enough, we do enough – that’s when we truly begin to live.

    A THOUGHT EXERCISE:

    Make a practice of writing your list of enough.

    Not could it be 10x better – but does it feel in your heart like enough?

    * Family — Enough

    * Friends — Enough

    * Home — Enough

    * Work — Enough

    * Partner — Enough

    * Mentors — Enough

    * Memories — Enough

    * Blessings — Enough

    * Recognition — Enough

    * Opportunities — Enough

    * Financial independence — Enough

  • it’s easy to be happy

    who am I when I am just looping in this endless existential crisis where I’m not sure what is real and what I want to pursue anymore

    Do you want to do the talking?

    Ok. I reply moving in front of her and approaching the door manned by four people with two clipboards between them.

    We’re just crossing names off the list, one of them tells us.

    Actually, we aren’t on the list. I smile.

    I am a terrible liar but excel at making the truth really fun and compelling

    We were in our flat up there. I point at the top floor of a set of late Victorian-era mansion blocks overlooking where we are standing. And we saw the party and heard the band playing and decided to invite ourselves.

    That’s a good one! One of them laughed in response.

    The four gathered and discussed options. Finally one looks up questioningly at his compadres, Ross left two tickets at the door for her friends but we don’t think they’re coming maybe you can have them.

    I know Ross! Marina exclaims.

    Yeah, sure wink wink! Someone replies laughing. No really! She is my neighbour!

    At this point, we’re both cracking up at how absurd it all is – two adult women attempting to crash a party. Ok, well make sure you go for a swim, they accede. We will, we brought our bikinis! I reply with a grin. We all laughed and were ushered into the Lido summer party.

    We stripped into bikinis by the pool and saunaed and cold plunged and saunaed and cold plunged again until they closed the pool and got dressed and watched the live jazz and funk band and drank cheap cold white wine out of little plastic cups and danced.

    It’s easy to be happy, now. I turn to Marina. I just need more of this in my life. More spontaneity, more risk, more playfulness, less rigidity.

    A few hours earlier we had been lounging on her sofa overlooking the Lido in which party we were now enmeshed into talking about the happiest times in our lives and how things felt different now.

    I’m fine. Everything is fine. I have incredible friendships, I have enough money and a nice place to live. Fresh food local food is abundant. I actively count my blessings and choose to see the beauty of life. But I don’t feel that euphoric feeling of love and joy and excitement for life like I used to. And that makes me sad. And maybe I am a little depressed. But mostly I feel like I am just looping in this endless existential crisis where I’m not sure what is real and what I want to pursue anymore.

    I have had so many moments in the past couple of years crushed by a distinct wave of lack of ambition that sucks the oxygen out of my lungs and makes me wonder what I am doing. The flavour of this feeling is akin to my burnout climax in 2022/23 but I am starting to realise I am not burned out by my work but by the accelerating demands of the modern Western world.

    In this incredibly dystopian version of capitalism we are being told more is better. We’re told to push harder, to take as much as we can from anything and anyone to get ahead. No wonder we’re left feeling lost. Deep down, this isn’t who we are as humans. We’re not built to be endless consumption machines.

    Let’s have a reality check.

    This “take take take” approach comes from LACK, not ABUNDANCE. It is a lack of resources. It’s a lack of abundance. The system we live in which is ‘growth at all costs’ is the antithesis of abundance.

    A personal reality check.

    Until 2020, I’d skillfully sidestepped this reality. Stranded in the UK after my life in Mexico, I found myself sliding down a slippery slope of overwork. The rush of financial success was intoxicating, and with little else to occupy me, I dove in headfirst.

    Because what else was I to do and honestly, the taste of financial success and public validation and money flowing in so readily was addictive and fun, and what else was there to do?

    And there I lost myself…

    In that spontaneous pool party, we crashed, surrounded by strangers who quickly became friends, I rediscovered it. That spark was right there, effortlessly within reach. Life’s magic reveals itself in these kismet unplanned moments, when the future feels ripe with possibility and human connections bloom unexpectedly.

    As the last notes from the jazz band faded, the lead guitarist approached us. I love your energy! he grinned. You brought this party to life with your dancing!

    We giggled, confessing our impromptu adventure: watching from a high-up flat, deciding to crash the event, sweet-talking our way past the door.

    I knew I liked you before, he laughed, but now I love you.

    Abundance has a language and it’s not money. It’s relationships, health, experiences, and depth… because what we want at the depths of our souls is to be humbled.

    We are drawn to experiences that humble us because they remind us of a profound truth: we are already complete. Embracing this completeness – recognising that we have, do, and are ENOUGH — is a radical act.

    A quiet rebellion against a world that constantly tells us we need more.

    Beneath the surface, there’s a deeper loss and longing — a profound ache — that no new job or shiny purchase could ever soothe.

    What we truly crave is a foundation that is steadfast and real. We are looking for substance. We are looking for something we can place our feet on that won’t fall away.

    We all have these big existential fears because we are terrified of failing at life. So we protect ourselves by contracting, fitting in, grabbing more, and trying harder.

    These past few days, I’ve been retracing the steps that brought me to this trajectory of my life.

    I do not like it here.

    I find myself ensnared in the relentless machinery of Western capitalism, a system that’s stealthily invaded even the havens I once sought refuge in.

    I feel uneasy existing in a world over-saturated with screens and social media. As someone who was once eager to vulnerably share myself without hesitation, I have begun to feel the burden of strangers’ unflinching projections and expectations.

    What’s more, I have had to come to grips with the ephemeral nature of my digital presence.

    Every word I’ve penned online hangs by a thread, at the mercy of faceless corporations. At any moment, they could wipe away my work and art, erasing years of my life with a simple keystroke.

    I have returned to the value of physical spaces that must be balanced with a career built on a digital footprint.

    At this juncture, I return to a few simple questions:

    What makes me come alive?

    What brings me joy?

    What do I live for?

    The answers come readily. They are simple and easy.

    Unexpectedly, the benchmark does not keep changing. What I want is less rather than more.

    But they do not fit into my society’s deemed trajectory of a ‘happy’ and ‘fulfilling’ traditional life path. That’s challenging for me, sometimes.

    There exists within me a very human part that yearns for social acceptance and validation. On some level, I still fear rejection from the tribe. A tribe I have disowned many times before.

  • life > screens; + boundary tips

    how I taught myself to have boundaries with screen time to reclaim my life

    I am sitting on my bed in my cabin, a cup of tea balanced on my plannher beside me, my cat Danger Zone nuzzled onto my right arm hindering access to the keys as I tap these words to you. I’ve had a morning of private clients on Zoom, was on Instagram, in the name of marketing and now am writing you an email. A delightful form of intimate connection tapped out via Substack.

    Everything I have done so far today has happened on screens.

    In retrospect, we see what this journey of life really is.

    What it was made up of.

    In retrospect, we see that our whole life is made up of choices, one after another, in the name of love and connection.

    Self-employment is an incredible privilege. I started on this path because I instinctively refused to join the 9-5 grind. It can also be incredibly overwhelming and (very) lonely. Little did I know that a few years along my work would end up being mostly behind a screen.

    I work about 20-25 hours weekly in and on my businesses.

    Every single one of those hours is spent on a screen.

    One thing I don’t want is to look back and regret how much time I spent on screens instead of existing in the living, breathing world around me.

    Technology is wonderful in so many ways. It offers me a way to contribute to society that is both meaningful and creative, on my terms. My life is (mostly) my own with the efficient ease of having communication, connection and organisation tools housed in a magical cloud in the sky.

    I spend an average of 4-6 hours on screens per day. That includes using meditation apps, music apps, map apps, banking apps, notes apps, workout platforms and apps that help me in my business.

    But if I’m honest, much of that time is spent on Instagram, WhatsApp, and search engines.

    Yet.

    Many of us strongly desire to withdraw from the outward-facing parts of life… hence the move away from screens and social media. It’s about reconnecting inwards. Allowing ourselves to feel what wants to come through us. This means that we’re no longer focused on the external noise but rather on the internal guidance.

    But the world that we exist in does not allow this descent. Going inwards requires slowing down.

    Slowing down is very hard in a world built on fast consumption.

    It is incredibly rebellious to slow down in this world and yet… this is the only way the only place where we can find ourselves. To reconnect to those parts of ourselves that are yearning to be heard. That is here with us, beside us every step of the way; that we often remain disconnected from.

    We take those moments in, in tiny sips but never fully bitten into, absorbed, inhaled, made use of. This richness and depth that is available to us all the time is accessible only through slowing down.

    But screens.

    They blink and flash and move fast and catch our eyes. They elevate our adrenaline, activate our dopamine and make us think that life is supposed to feel extremely exciting all the time. They impact our circadian rhythms and stop us from sleeping well and deeply resting when we need to. They suck us into a spiral of trying to keep up with ‘fast and now and more’.

    When what we really seeking is love and connection.

    Here is how I taught myself to have boundaries with screen time to reclaim my life.

    1. I fill conceivable screen time with a different form of connection. I make it a priority to spend time with friends, go out in nature, read books, cuddle my cat, go to gigs and events with other living breathing humans, travel, paint, draw, dream and journal. It’s so easy in moments of loneliness to get on a screen and spiral. I ensure that I have enough heart-nourishing things happening in my life that I don’t have to.
    2. I have a phone-free morning routine. It’s so easy to pick up my phone first thing when I first wake up. Just in case someone I love got in touch! I often think to myself. But the ripple effect of putting a device before my human self is palpable throughout the day. Instead, I leave my phone where it is in another space or room, and spend the first half an hour at least, waking up, stretching, taking my retainers out, scraping my tongue, making warm water with lemon, doing a little lymphatic drainage massage or a meditation, before I go anywhere near that thing.
    3. I have a phone-free evening routine. I am very strict with myself on this one because it’s easy to get devoured into a sea of I’ll just look up this one last thing, when I am tired in the evenings. Instead, I place my phone on aeroplane mode, put it to charge as far from reach as possible and spend half an hour to an hour alone with just myself and my thoughts.
    4. I use an app to monitor screen time. I use and recommend Opal, which I love both aesthetically and because it seems to kick me off whatever app I am using at just the right time as if it can sense when I’ve been overdoing it. It is crazy to me how lost I can get in the void of apps and on-screen productivity. These things were supposed to give us more time and ultimately they are stealing our time unless we reclaim it.
    5. I consistently delete certain apps. Instagram in particular, because it’s my strongest draw to get lost in. Even if just for a few days, but sometimes for weeks or more, what a relief it is for that app to disappear from my phone. Every few weeks I go through my phone and cull apps: ones I rarely use and ones I use too much and need a break from.
    6. I minimise my ‘follow’ list. A sure way to stop myself from scrolling is running out of things to scroll so I maintain a very small list that is focused only on necessary work-related connections, friends I can only connect with in this way, and accounts that inspire me to be a better human.
    7. I set limits on how much time I spend on screens. One of my highest values is presence. Something that I practice in every area of my life. If I am on a screen — unless I am with a client, writing, answering emails, or designing a new project — I am not present. I have a strong pact with myself to keep my phone tucked away when I am with other people. I try to have certain windows during which I use social media. I take photos in moments and believe that not everything needs to be documented.
    8. I intentionally cultivate a life that is more than screens. I leave my phone behind whenever I can. I put my phone in inconvenient places so I can focus on the task at hand. I spend time in parts of the world that don’t have an internet connection. I find peace there. It’s not perfect. It’s a work in progress. Eventually, I would love to exist in a way where I am not using my phone more than a few hours per day. And sometimes not at all for stretches of days and weeks. Right here and now that’s not entirely possible. I am doing my best.

    These implementations are probably things you’ve already heard of. They’re not mind-blowing or new. But doing them is a whole other story. They require self-control, structure, boundaries and communicating with your people when you are available and when you are not.

    Research can’t keep up with the pace of technological innovation. And being human is pretty complex. But what we do know is how spending time on screens makes each of us feel.

    I know that when I hit my limit my body starts to feel ungrounded and anxious. That limit is around 4-5 hours. When I have boundaries on my screen time, I benefit from more joy, more creativity, more positive thoughts and more real-life human connections.

  • your ultimate guide for preloved online shopping

    This easy step-by-step guide will teach you how to find real treasures and unique styles you’ll love for years to come for a fraction of the cost by thrifting online like a pro.

    The last time it happened I was crossing the road in Hove and a cute, little elderly lady (maybe in her mid-sixties?) rushed over to me.

    “I love your dress! Where is it from? It fits you so perfectly!”

    “Thank you! It’s from a French brand called Rouje, but I bought it preloved online.”

    It was a recent purchase (shown above) made in pressing haste for summer to arrive by finding summer dresses before it was warm enough to wear them.

    “I’ve still got good legs, I think I could pull something like that off!”

    “I bet you do!”

    I laughed swinging my long legs and curvy hips down the street filled with gleeful joy after our encounter. There’s nothing I love more than getting stopped in the street and being told that they love my outfit. I am a Leo Sun after all.

    Something that surprises me, due to the comprehensive gravitas of professional online fashion influencers, is how often I receive emails, messages, voice notes and comments about my clothes and style.

    I love using clothing to express myself; a daily creative ritual that I do for myself. That you appreciate it too always astounds me.

    Especially since — as I repeatedly say whenever anyone asks me where something that I wear is from — everything I own is either old or secondhand.

    This is always followed up with another question…

    How do you find those clothes?

    Today I am transmitting my step-by-step process on exactly how. But let’s begin with why.

    The last time I shared on this topic I wrote: inside my closet, a 7-step written discussion on sustainably curating the wardrobe of your dreams.

     

    I have always tried to live life in a resourceful way. One thing we all know for sure is that more stuff doesn’t bring us more happiness. In reverse, it often brings us more stress and overwhelm.

    The trick is to find that perfect balance of enough.

    How much of the things you need is the right amount? What is enough?

    I’m always thinking of ways that I can minimise my impact on the world while maximising my pleasure and enjoyment. Whenever I look in shops or malls (which is increasingly rare) I instantly feel completely dazed by the amount of stuff there is in the world.

    Do we need all of this? And who buys it?

    A few years ago I decided that one of the ways I could stop adding more stuff to the world was by buying clothes, a creative expression which I love and have no intention of giving up, that already exist.

    As someone who prefers to shop online (no crowds! no harsh lighting! no driving somewhere I don’t want to be!) over the years, I’ve honed my skills in what to buy, how, and from where.

    So here’s your ultimate guide…

    WHERE

    Depending on your location, where to shop online varies. My personal favourite is Vinted but Depop would be a close second if I could be bothered looking elsewhere. One app is enough for me. For an exhaustive worldwide list of the 47 best online places to shop secondhand check out this article bythegoodgoodgood.co.

     

    WHAT

    KNOW YOURSELF

    Firstly, you need to know:

    • your body shape
    • what suits you
    • what styles you like, and
    • your size in various brands

    There’s only one way to do that. Examining yourself and reflecting on who you are, your lifestyle and what you are attracted to plus trial and error.

    A great place to get a sense of your personal style is to start a Pinterest board where you start pinning things you like on other people who have a similar body shape, size, lifestyle and clothing style to the one you have. Maybe start following a few ‘influencers’ and pay attention to the brands they sling, the shapes they wear and how clothes fit on their body to get an idea of what you are looking for.

    That way you always have a moodboard to refer to when deciding to add to or update your wardrobe.

    While we are always going to be seduced by aspirational impulses make sure that you are looking at buying clothes that match the life you live today, not the life you think you might live one day. If you’re a busy mum or self-employed, it’s highly unlikely that you will be living in cocktail dresses or beach coverups.

    What is the perfect proportion of practical and beautiful, for you?

     

    KNOW YOUR BRANDS

    Every brand has its own set of tailoring, cuts, styles, colourways and sizes that are unique to each one. The better you know the brands you like the better choices you can make. This takes some detective work.

    Firstly, by knowing yourself and seeing which brands match your personal style. Secondly, getting to know the brand(s) by trialling some of their pieces. Fortunately, online thrifting makes this much easier as the risk and cost of something not working for you is much lower, and you can always resell it if it’s not for you.

    Once you have a clear understanding of what your favourite brands are, online secondhand shopping becomes fun and easy because you can go for brands you know and like.

     

    BE SPECIFIC

    The more you know what you like and the more specific you are in your searches the more successful you will be. This means using filters.

    I always filter for my size (S) but sometimes like things to be oversized (like woollen jumpers and coats) and include the next size up (M). If I am not searching by brand which I mostly do to alleviate overwhelm and for quality control, I also filter for material with a preference for 100% natural fabrics such as cotton, linen, silk, cashmere and so on.

    Recently, inspired by the all-white outfit worn by the lead singer of La Luz whom I saw on the weekend at a festival. I searched for a “white collared shirt women S” and included the filters “cotton” and “good condition”. A lot of Zara options came up which isn’t the worst, and often at half the price or less than in-store.

    the lead singer of La Luz whose entire outfit inspired me so much that I desperately want to replicate it

     

    HOW

    SEARCH BY BRAND

    This is always the best way to start.

    Look up your favourite brands, put in your filters, and then bookmark the search to come back to from time to time, whenever you’re in the mood for a bit of online thrifting.

    I go through phases. Sometimes, when I have a specific gap in my wardrobe or am feeling inspired (see above) I’ll go in to search a few times a week. Other times, I’ll go weeks or months without opening the app (Vinted) because I just don’t need anything.

    Lately, I have been helping a friend update her wardrobe so I am searching for specific things that I think would suit her and am in there searching at least once per week. Her scope was “I need everything” which is a carte blanche for me to have fun finding whatever I think would look good on her.

    To me, this is the best job and one I sincerely wish I could get paid to do because I love the process of finding the perfect items at the best prices so much.

     

    MAKE A FAVOURITES LIST

    As you find pieces you like (or love) ‘heart’ them to add to your favourite list. As you look for items try to think about what you need and how the things you are looking for could work together with what you already have and for different occasions. This list is where the pieces you are thinking about buying can rest until you make your decision.

     

    TRUST THE PROCESS

    Be willing to take the occasional fashion risk especially if you have a strong hut (heart+gut) feeling about a piece. You can always resell it again. Don’t buy in urgency unless it’s something you’ve been looking for for a while and you know you are ready to commit and don’t want someone else snapping it up. Try to sleep on purchases before making them in haste and let go of things if they don’t work out i.e. are no longer available or not at the price that meets your budget. I believe if something is meant for you, it will be yours. If not, it’s not.

     

    HAGGLE ACCORDINGLY

    Make sure that you know the value of things, and offer a price that feels right to you in your hut (heart+gut). It’s always worth going a bit lower than the asking price.

    Keep in mind that insurance and shipping are added on top so barter accordingly. I often deduct the £5 it’s going to cost me for postage from my offer. Sometimes I even try bidding at the lowest possible price if I am uncertain about the quality or fit of something but want to try it.

    Don’t buy things because they’re cheap; make sure you know they are good quality first and foremost. Otherwise, you’ll end up with things that you don’t want or use that end up in a landfill which is precisely what we are trying to avoid by thrifting online in the first place.

     

    ENJOY THE PROCESS

    It’s like treasure hunting from the comfort of your sofa/bed/hammock/favourite garden and treasure hunting is always fun! Don’t put too much pressure on yourself, be experimental, and keep an eye out for special pieces. You never know what gems you’ll discover.

  • and just like that…

    I became a caregiver to 2 small boys.

    Wilted flowers, sticks and stones of varying sizes in pockets. Tiny, sticky fingers reaching for hands, arms, shoulders, legs, anything to hold on to. Miniature toy cars, dried-up mandarin peel, a collection of leaves in my woven basket. The backseat covered in a small display of muddy prints and lost pebbles.

    Those are the symbols of my last few weeks.

    Fleeting fragments of enchantments that materialise as dirt and mess to the unobservant conjured up from the imaginations of a 2 and 4-year-old.

    Parts of my brain, formerly dormant, have been activated to sense threats and dangers, perceive needs and triggers, and either coax or soothe in response to each one. I fall into bed, heavy with fatigue two days per week, with nothing left to give.

    It’s a satisfying feeling, to be at the mercy of two small, demanding bodies that require every moment of your attention in a forcefully present way.

    I’m not sure how it happened. Without a doubt, kismet was at hand.

    One day their mother and I were dreaming over a matcha laughing about how fun it would be to live next door to each other, the next, that’s exactly what we were doing.

    For the past three years, I have lamented how strange our modern silo lives are, often disconnected from real community, operating in isolation from one another.

    This was not my reality until recently. When I stopped travelling and endeavoured to stay still in developed countries. Not really until I moved to Canada with my ex. Later amplified by the global pandemic.

    Now, two days a week, plus a scattering here and there I have become, what my poet-friend calls an ‘alloparent’.

    We don’t know how long it will last. It’s an arrangement to revisit based on the shifting sands of life and time after summer. But for now, it’s perfect.

    I’m enjoying exercising my maternal nature.

    One of the boys is highly sensitive, quick to be acitivated and slow to be soothed. He responds the best to a range of trust-building practises with patience and consistency and lots of reassurance through physical touch and words.

    I’m enjoying applying human development tools that I have learned, teach and use across the decade of my career in such a real way. Nervous system co-regulation and attachment style approaches are incredibly useful in daily moments.

    My relationship with time has shifted. I have both not enough and more than enough concurrently. My work days and hours have taken on a different feeling.

    The creativity and impetus that normally flows feels more forced at the moment. I assume this will shift once I find my way with this new iteration of life.

    I admire all fulltime caregivers that attempt to have a creative life or career alongside childrearing.

    Children take up some much of your physical and mental real estate.

    They’re also incredibly healing.

    So many parents I speak to relish the chance to give to their children in the ways that they weren’t met as children. Healing their own inner child by giving what was once needed.

    Sometimes I wish more adults knew how important it is to do that work with ourselves first. If we all took the responsibility to reparent ourselves before we reach out to parent others there would be a lot more harmony in the world.

  • party girl era

    He was right. I felt like a fallen angel gracing the earth that night.

    Last night I traced the light fine lines that have settled under my eyes and remembered a time when I thought I’d be young forever.

    When time stretched out in front of me as a limitless expanse in which anything was possible. When I would wake up with dewy skin and never wash my face or use skin care or makeup unless I was going out-out.

    I don’t remember ever classifying myself as a party girl. I did not go out looking for parties. They actively came and found me and swept me off my feet. But I do remember being the only one of my friends in my Psych class who would come rolling into class on Monday still a little bit high from acid and mushrooms and ecstasy.

    Except for one of the few guys who took a Psych minor alongside a journalism major. He and I would share secret glances and smiles and pretend to pull triggers to our heads in a gesture that meant “kill me now”. We are still distant friends to this day, though I would have to look him up to remember his name.

    I was a good girl. I didn’t do drugs or get drunk. I was innocent and naive and just trying to figure out what on Earth I was supposed to be doing on this planet.

    Six months earlier I was working as a receptionist at a tiny film editing studio in London’s Soho. We mostly made ads for B&Q and other ads, that’s where we made our money. Like a men’s cologne that was directed by a famous director who would rack up so many lines of coke at every meeting during production that by the time the ad was done both he and the main actor were so bloated that they didn’t resemble themselves anymore.

    Every morning on my way into the office I would greet the transgender junkie that seemed to live in an empty access to an abandoned store as she flicked needles onto the ground nearby. My co-workers said it was mostly methadone because she couldn’t get heroin.

    I was young and without life experience and found it both scary and sad.

    That winter, cold and determined to do something different with my life, I decided to study Psychology in the hottest place I could find. I found a university in Far North Queensland, Australia, set in a small jungle edging the Great Barrier Reef. At the time I still had a permanent residency visa for Australia on account of my mother immigrating there when I was a child. I applied, was accepted, and booked a flight to begin my new life.

    My boyfriend at the time was a manager of a pub in Old Street. One where all the lawyers and barristers would go and get drunk after work. In the very pragmatic way that only teenagers can, we agreed to part ways when I left.

    I started my four-year degree committed and high-spirited. I would apply myself. I would study hard. I would complete and hand in my assignments early.

    One day my friend’s friend and his friend called me and asked if they could use my car park to sort out their car that had broken down. I said yes, of course, and was delighted by the excitement of young men and cars and who knows what might happen. One of those men asked me on a date and a week later we were a couple.

    Slowly I discovered that my new paramour was a bong-swilling pot-head which confused and unnerved me. Mostly, because it felt like there were always three people in our relationship. Him, me and weed.

    Later I discovered that this is a common trait amongst addicts.

    Substances take priority and create an impassable distance between vulnerability and intimacy. I could write a lot on intimacy, romantic love and substance abuse, but that’s a story for another time. Leave a comment below if you want to read it.

    I resisted and resented his habits but I was young and naive, had low self-worth and self-esteem and didn’t know that I could just walk away. So I stayed and tried to change him while he tried to change me.

    The first time, he convinced me to come to a secret party in the woods which in Australia they call a ‘bush doof’. He popped a magic mushroom in my mouth and I promptly went to sleep right there on a blanket on the ground. I had just finished a shift waitressing at a pizza restaurant on the beach and no amount of magic mushrooms or loud music could disrupt my 20-year-old self and a circadian rhythm that lives and dies by the sun.

    In the morning he asked me if I felt anything and I said “No, I was asleep.”

    The next time, it was my birthday. He gifted me a tiny white capsule filled with fluffy white powder that he said was called ‘MDMA’ and would make me feel amazing. There was a white party — which, as the name suggests means that everyone wears white — that Saturday night and had to take it there.

    That night I donned a white tube dress and slung a wide belt low on my hips (it was the mid-2000s) and a group of us drove in my boyfriend’s beat-up car to the party. Before we got out we all popped pills filled with white dust in our mouths and swished them down with water.

    Soon, I found myself floating, my feet not touching the ground from room to room of the candlelit, flower-bedecked white party, eyes the size of saucepans, an unmoving soft smile pasted to my face. He was right. It felt chemical. And it also felt amazing. I felt like a fallen angel gracing the earth that night.

    After that, I was no longer sceptical. I decided that some drugs, not all, but some were something I wanted to explore and discover more.

    Especially because I loved music and dancing but not drinking. I hated the ways I saw my girlfriends pour out of bars and clubs wasted, doing things that would ripple shame through them in the morning.

    But drugs were empowering. I felt in control, astute, aware of myself and safe.

    That summer, a year since I started my degree, and 6 months since I started seeing this man, we went on a road trip to go to some festivals. A convoy of hippies from the jungle travelled from the north to south of the country and back again in 2 months, working on farms to fund our travels and stopping at music festivals along the way.

    The first one we went to, one of our friends asked if I had tried acid. I shook my head, scared by the name but curious.

    “What’s it like?” I asked. “It’s unexplainable but it will give you a spiritual journey beyond your wildest imagination. The experience is unique to each person.” I was told. “You won’t like it,” my boyfriend told me.

    I walked up to the dirtiest man with dreadlocks so long they almost touched the ground and asked him if he had any acid. He looked at me surprised. “It’s my first time” I explained. He smiled and told me to hold out my hand face down and stretch my fingers so a little divot formed between my thumb and forefinger pulling out a tiny bottle with a dropper, dropping a drop of brown liquid in the hollow. “Now lick it,” he said. “And if things get weird, just remember that it’ll pass.”

    I went to the edge of the dance floor to wait and see what would happen.

    Later I found myself having danced for eight hours straight while having the most healing cosmic epiphanies and internal psychological healings and thought loops closing in such a way it felt like my entire world and life had been put right for the very first time.

    My boyfriend was wrong. I did like it. I liked it very much.

    Months later, back at university, during a neurobiology lecture my professor inadvertently confirmed my suspicion that not all psychoactive substances are created equal or necessarily bad for you and that there were ways to work with these substances that had a positive impact on the brain and human psyche.

    I wrote more about that in curioser and curioser.

    I had rules:

    • no alcohol
    • no buying drugs (I relied on generous gifts)
    • no going to parties with the intention to take drugs
    • no getting into a habit of taking them or feeling like I need them to have fun
    • no nightclubs or bars. I only went to outdoor parties in nature, a rule I broke 3-4 times

    For six years I experimented explored and tested my edges with various substances. I discovered what my limits were, what I could take and where those experiences could take me. I understood what worked together in little psychoactive chemical cocktails. I learned how to eat well to recover fast.

    And then, slowly at first and then all at once, I lost interest. My party girl era was over as another season of my life journey seduced me.

    I found that I could reach many similar states of expansion, insight, growth and healing through spiritual and self-awareness practices, self-attunement and alignment, and by working with energetics.

    It became so much more satisfying to be able to reach heightened states without the crutch of chemicals.

    Fun found in a different form I deeply treasure human connection in sobriety. I cherish the nuanced and delicate reading of energies that arise within interactions from moment to moment. Fragile whisps sensed through the air that I became sensitive to in my party girl era.

    Last night I looked at my face and wondered how it has changed between the era that led to another. Tracing freckles and lines I gave thanks for every moment that contributed to the memories imprinted in my skin softly starting to gather.

  • not yet

    So often doing things that we don’t feel ‘ready’ for can bring up unresolved childhood trauma. So often on the other side of that fear exist the things we want for ourselves.

    I’m sitting in Brighton’s Artist Residence looking out at the English Channel, frothy white foam on the tips of waves sparkling between mist and bursts of sun, and hot chocolate to accompany me on this journey of words with you.

    The past two weeks have been full in a way I cannot even begin to express and I need to honour this place I find myself.

    As Brene Brown wisely says “Share from the scar, not from the wound” and so I am giving myself grace in my writing to you and am answering a question from a reader today.

    A few months I wrote about all the things I had done when I was ‘not ready’.

    I noticed something interesting…

    The best things that have happened to me were the things I did when I wasn’t ready. The things that shook me and tore at me and made me feel the biggest feelings and pushed me and stretched me and scared me and lit a flame of hope in my heart and big dreams in my imagination…

    Being ready never arrives.

    But that doesn’t mean we chase discomfort as a sign to do what we are supposed to do. Sometimes coming up against our edge implies ‘not yet’.

    Challenging ourselves means growth.

    Overriding an inner refusal to move forward on something is an opportunity to pay attention. To bring curiosity to the situation.

    A reader, in response to ‘not ready’ wrote in.

    “This is so inspiring. And at the same time, it makes me wonder… How do you know when to push through resistance and when to listen to the body’s no?”

    Learning to listen to your body is the most valuable skill you can develop.

    Learning to discern the difference between “I am scared but willing to try something new” and “This is activating my nervous system to such a degree that I am going into a parasympathetic stress response” is vital.

    It starts by unlearning counterproductive, socially imposed beliefs about self-image, performance, success, productivity, approval, perfectionism, and control.

    Each of us contains, within our body and mind, an exquisite and personalised mind-body wisdom. This wisdom becomes more available to us as we recognize that anything we are feeling in our body means something.

    It’s so easy to get stuck in your head and tune out essential sensations; but, every butterfly in your stomach, every headache, tight muscle, surge of energy, and flood of emotion is there for a reason, providing gentle encouragement, danger signals, and constant feedback about what you need.

    For me, from years of practice, there is a palpable difference between “I am scared to move forward even though this thing is meant for me” and “I am going into flight or freeze around this thing” which stops me in my tracks.

    The body’s cues are soft and subtle.

    If we come from a background of having our feelings and needs disregarded either for cultural, societal or familial reasons we will have learned that that our feelings aren’t worth listening to. We had to ignore and override our feelings to survive in this world.

    Your first step to reclaiming your power is to recognise that it is no longer true for you. What you once adopted as a coping mechanism is no longer serving you. Allowing yourself to feel and trust your body now is part of the healing process.

    Fear of the unknown can trigger a primal instinct in us that makes us feel like our very livelihood is at risk. So often doing things that we don’t feel ‘ready’ for can bring up unresolved childhood trauma.

    So often on the other side of that fear exist the things we want for ourselves.

    The way forward then, is to address the fear and the trauma. To look at what part of you is resisting. For me, it is often a child version of me that did not have her needs met, was not seen or heard, did not feel safe.

    I immediately revert to that wounded child when faced with something insurmountable.

    “I need to acknowledge, feel and witness my feelings first” is her plea.

    In response, I care for her. I meet her needs. I listen and let her know that she is safe. I am sensitive to her feelings. Because she is me.

    Then, together we step forward and do things we are ‘not ready’ for. Because I have addressed the resistance which was my inner wounding saying ‘not yet’.