alt title: how I let myself be seen in my process, when all I want to do is hide
APR 05, 2026
On Wednesday, I moved into my new home and immediately fostered two puppies. I don’t know why I did this. That’s not true. I know exactly why. I have a deep and apparently unshakeable belief that the right time to do something is simply when you want to do it, and I wanted to cuddle cute baby animals for a little while.
Moving house and taking care of puppies is all-consuming in a way that temporarily dissolves every other problem you have, which might also be why I did it.
Plumbing issues meant I couldn’t flush the toilet for two days. The plumber had to wait to get the parts that needed replacing. Dust and debris from the previous tenant irked me spiritually. The cleaner couldn’t come until Friday. Puppies are a full-time job. I forgot about how needy they are.
It feels comforting to have a place to call home for the foreseeable. As I rebuild my life this year, there are a few key things I am focusing on: relationships, work and home. In that order.
Right now I’m exploring my new local area as much as I can. The idea is to filter out everything I don’t like so I can build my daily routine around the things I do like. So far, I’ve found the dreamiest yoga studio, a pilates class, three cafes I like working from, a favourite supermarket, a favourite farmers market, and I’ve made friends with two of my neighbours. On my left, an Australian guy who is far too flirty but strong and has helped me lift heavy things around, and on my right, a German-Vietnamese girl who has generously invited me to three local events.
These are the granular, unsexy parts of rebuilding. Finding out which coffee shop has the right vibe. Introducing yourself to the person next door. Getting the number for the best local plumber and learning which days the rubbish collectors come to your street.
After taking a few days off during the week (one of my favourite parts of working for myself), it is now the weekend. I’m sitting in a co-working cafe called ‘Gathering Space’. There are a group speaking French, Croatian and English in hushed conversation behind me. We all have laptops propped up in front of our faces.
Back when I started working for myself, which was over a decade ago now, I had no savings and no experience. I had a lofty dream. A vision that there was a way to contribute to the world in positive ways, and absolutely not at the expense of my values, beliefs and soul. It was scary, but I had nothing to lose. I had already failed by refusing to get a ‘normal’ job. I did fail, many, many times. I tried things that didn’t work and worried that I’d never make enough money to support myself. Two years in, and every year after that, I did. But the fear of failure never went away. It just shapeshifts into bigger and grander things.
More recently, my fear of failure is manifesting as a desire to hide. If no one can see me, then they won’t witness when I fall flat on my face, which I invariably will because failure is literally part of the process, and my fragile ego just can’t handle that kind of self-inflicted humiliation right now.
I know that we all fail; the people I most admire are evidence of it, even if I don’t see it publicly. Yet there’s this voice in my mind that says not having immediate, obvious, measurable success at everything I do means that there is something wrong with me.
Who decided it’s a bad thing to fail? Who decided that we have to always present as perfect, cohesive, flawless?
The more I think about it, the more I realise fear of failure is just a way to protect ourselves. No magic in the world will protect us from getting hurt. To do anything meaningful in life means we willingly let our most tender parts be fragile, visible, vulnerable. It means we let our lives fall apart over and over again. The nature of having a creative, authentic, alive experience is to let ourselves be reshaped by the things we do.
As I rebuild my public identity to match the major life shifts that I have experienced within me, I am going through the discomfort of being seen in the messy process and trying things I’ve not done before and letting what lands inform the way I move forward. It means that I keep showing up even though I’m afraid to fail.
The correct response to the fear of failure is to just do things.
I am evidence that you do not need a strategy or a plan to have a successful business. Success in a relaxed, fulfilled, and gentle way that I aspire towards. But you do need to be willing to be seen. There are a few things that help me.
Continued here for paid subscribers.
Work with me — creative consulting and mentoring: https://viendamaria.com
Email me — studio@viendamaria.com to interview me/have me speak at your event or panel/for creative consulting for your company/to say hi
About — https://viendamaria.com/about Instagram – @viendamaria / https://www.instagram.com/viendamaria
Remember to subscribe here: https://www.youtube.com/@viendamaria
Make sure you sign up to HER WAY CLUB: https://vienda.substack.com